


Of Song And Story

by MeredithBrody



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: F/M, drabble challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-06
Updated: 2013-06-26
Packaged: 2017-11-18 02:21:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 35
Words: 50,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/555810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeredithBrody/pseuds/MeredithBrody
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The stories that are begging to be told. 5 Drabbles per chapter. Mostly Jonathan/Erika with a few Trip/Hoshi dotted about. From all over the series, and before, and after.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I write and run the Fanfiction Drabble Challenge on Facebook, and the majority of these are written for that. I really hope you enjoy them.

_**Any minute now my ship is coming in** _   
_**I'll keep checking the horizon** _   
_**And I'll stand on the bow** _   
_**Feel the waves come crashing** _

There were moments in her life when she just knew that something was going to happen, and it was going to change her. For the better, for the worse, she was never sure which one it would be.

One way or another, something happening in the next few days was going to change her life. She would finally get to see the ship she had been placed in command of. She would be able to walk her decks, feel her bulkheads, and just generally get to know her. It was a love story she hoped would last a long time, the ship was still weeks away from being complete, but that didn't matter to Erika. Columbia needed to know she was being cared for.

As she became viewable, Erika let out a gasp, she was even more beautiful than she'd expected, and she knew that the ship would require a firm hand. Today would only be the first date, and she hoped beyond all hope that it would be a good one. A date that would set them up for the rest of their time together. There was work to do, to make the perfect partnership, and Erika was willing to put it in.

_**This isn't goodbye, even as I watch you leave** _   
_**This isn't goodbye, I swear I won't cry** _   
_**Even as tears fill my eyes, I swear I won't cry** _   
_**Any other girl I'd let you walk away** _   
_**Any other girl I'm sure I'd be OK** _

She turned from him again, and he was certain that eventually they would come across each other again. He wanted to call her back more than anything he'd ever wanted to do before, but he didn't. He didn't know why he didn't just shout her name. Confess to her that he had fallen in love with her, but he wasn't sure now was the time.

As she paused at the doorway to get her coat he vaulted across the room and grabbed her arm. Holding onto her, determined, all of a sudden that he was going to tell her the truth. It had been over with Rebecca for months. He hadn't thought about anyone but Erika in all that time. She was always the one right there in his mind.

"Don't go." He pleaded as she span around to face him, he saw the tears in her eyes and knew he had hurt her by not telling her the truth earlier, by letting her continue to think he was taken. He had just thought about how awkward it would be at work if he didn't pretend, but he had learnt, and now all he wanted was her, and he needed her to see it.

"Jon you have a-" He cut her off by placing a finger on her lips midway through her sentence and pulling her into a more secluded area of the restaurant, absolutely determined not to be seen, not to be overheard, but people who had no need to know about them.

"No, I don't, we were over a while ago. It's been all you, every day, ever since. Please, don't go." He almost begged her. "If you were anyone else I'd let you leave, but I can't, not right now."

She surprised him by getting on her tiptoes and kissing him, it was the lightest of touches, but in an instant she made everything seemingly alright. That was the only confirmation that he needed that she wouldn't leave without him. He wrapped her against his chest and deepened the kiss. Knowing this was what would make them.

_**Are you sure that you're mine** _   
_**Aren't you dating other guys** _   
_**Coz you're so cheap, and I'm not blind** _   
_**You're not worthy of my time** _

He had never been the jealous type before, but he reasoned that he was afraid enough of losing her that it wasn't worth him pretending that he didn't care. Because actually, that was all he did care about. He cared about her so much that it hurt when they weren't together. He trusted her, and that was part of why it was so ridiculous.

She loved him and that was obvious enough to everyone who knew them. She told him every night too. But being stationed so far apart sometimes made it hard for him to not imagine the worst. Especially when he heard the worst cases when he was with the other engineers and the pilots.

Then she'd be there, in his arms again, and he'd know that all his fears were baseless. She was the one woman in the universe he could trust with everything, his life, his heart and his soul.

_**It's nice to know that you were there** _   
_**Thanks for acting like you cared** _   
_**And making me feel like I was the only one** _   
_**It's nice to know we had it all** _   
_**Thanks for watching as I fall** _   
_**And letting me know we were done** _

He'd never seen her quite so angry, the moment she'd walked into the hangar the other pilots had almost melted into the walls, they all clearly knew why she was stalking through the spare parts looking for him, and he was sure that he wouldn't be in for the easiest ride when she finally found him. He was happy to know he wasn't let down the moment she found him.

"Thanks for telling me!" She snapped, the hurt and anger as clear in her voice as if she had told him that was how she felt.

"What?" He asked, trying to fake a nonchalance he didn't feel.

"About your promotion. Congratulations Commander!" She spat, and her eyes flashed in the dangerous way they always did before he was in for an argument. He wasn't sure how he could avoid one this time, but he honestly hadn't known about his possible promotion until that morning, and they were no longer on the same team, it wasn't as if he could just have told her during the briefing.

"Erika, I didn't-" He tried to explain, but her angry response stopped him before he could say anything.

"Like shit Jon!"

"I swear, this was the first I'd heard of it. I'm going to talk to Commodore Forrest tomorrow. I couldn't keep something like this from you." He took her hands and pulled her close to him, close enough that he could wrap his arms around her and she could lean against him in a rehearsed posture, something they had mastered in their years together.

"If it's true you have a lot of thinking to do." She whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck before lightly kissing him, but the last thing he wanted was to make the decision alone.

"Don't put this decision on me." He muttered, hearing a light cough, one he recognised as Captain Jeffries, who would no doubt have been coming in search of his pilots, Erika took a step back and adopted a more professional stance, nodding to Jeffries before dropping her voice so that only he could hear her.

"It is on you Jon. You'll have to decide. Call me tonight." The slight smirk that crossed her face let him know that she knew they would end up making the decision together, but for now, he would think about which meant more to him, and really, they were too close to call.

_**Hold on but don’t hold too tight** _   
_**Let go, you’re gonna be alright** _   
_**Don’t run away from** _   
_**What your heart is saying** _

She knew what she needed to do, but that decision was going to make everything worse. She sent the sublight message, knowing it probably wouldn't get to Jonathan until he had probably forgotten about her. But her heart was telling her to send it, as most of the crew were sending too. She couldn't run away from what was happening, what she hadn't stopped from happening.

She hoped beyond all hope that Starfleet, Earth, and the Coalition had had enough warning, that Columbia wouldn't be missed on the front lines. But she already knew it was a lost cause. Of course it was a lost cause. She was sure that one way or another _Columbia_ would be OK, but whether they would make a difference, she was sure that wasn't going to happen. She couldn't run, but she would hold on to the hope.


	2. Chapter 2

_**I’d move Heaven and Earth** _   
_**In order to save you** _   
_**Sail seven seas** _   
_**Come to your rescue** _

She was beginning to hate the number of times she'd had to call on him for a rescue. He laughed it off every time, the friendly rivalry they had as captains in front of their crews had become a regular battle for dominance the moment they were behind closed doors. They had both learned the best ways to keep their activities quiet.

He would joke about how he would travel the universe to come to her rescue, and she would growl about how he only liked to hold it over her because she knew that if the roles were reversed she would tease him too. In fact, she still did, despite it being over a year since the Klingon mission they had shared.

Every private tease was ended with her saying the same thing. It seemed to be as regular as anything else they did. It was part of the couple they were now, and it was one of her favourite ways to remind him that she truly cared. She'd say the same thing. "I love you, you insufferable bastard."

Then he'd smile, and he'd wrap her up in his arms and nothing else would matter. Via subspace they would share a smile, a private joke, just something that remind them of the connection they held. Then he would remind her, seriously, that if she ever needed him, he was only a call away, and she always felt better for that. Not because she thought she'd need rescuing, but because every so often, she just needed him.

**_She said that I’m not the one_ **   
**_That she should bring home tonight_ **   
**_And I know that she’s not the one_ **   
**_That I should bring home tonight_ **

They had said time and again since they had reunited after the Xindi mission that this was the last time, that they weren't going to make the mistake again. But almost every time they'd been in a private room together in the year since it had ended the same way. They both said they weren't the person they had been the first time they'd fallen in love, but that didn't seem to matter.

The physical attraction was still there, and they still clicked on every level he could imagine. They were complicating everything by continuing the way they were, but he didn't care, and he knew she didn't care either. There was so much more at stake than the two of them, but he decided he was allowed to be selfish sometimes, and Erika was his way of being selfish.

He didn't want to let her go, even when he knew logically what they were doing wasn't the best thing to do, he wanted to get her. They said they weren't the one, but she was the one. She had been the woman he loved for as long as he could remember, so he would keep going, and he knew he would be right, right for him, if not Starfleet.

_**Doesn't that sound familiar** _   
_**Doesn't that hit too close to home** _   
_**Doesn't that make you shiver** _   
_**The way things could have gone** _

"Erika!" She looked up as her name was called, about to admonish a Vulcan for being too familiar, but as her eyes met with the light brown orbs she knew better than any other, her exhaustion finally made her realise who it actually was meeting her.

"Jonathan," She couldn't hold in her relief that he was at the airlock to meet her, and they were both too surprised to think, he wrapped her in his arms as she almost fell over. "I heard you might need some help, and Captain Sopek was able to get here quicker, Enterprise should be here in an hour." The two Vulcans' disappeared down the corridor, and Erika's personnel melted back onto the Columbia, leaving the two captains' stood holding each other in the corridor, and it was clear from the way they were that they weren't letting go any time soon. He led her down to her quarters on Columbia, wondering when had been the last time she slept.

Judging from the looks of the rest of the crew, it had been a couple of days for them, probably longer for Erika, he knew that she would want to seem to stay awake for as long as her ship needed her to be. As he watched her almost asleep on her feet he remembered all the times Enterprise had been attacked, luckily for them, they had never been as badly damaged as Columbia had been this time, but the attack hit too close to home. Not only had he been convinced he had lost her, he had had to face what could have happened to him numerous times over the last few years.

As soon as she was on the bed she was asleep, and he walked over to the companel.

"Archer to Fletcher." He recalled Hernandez's second, a Kiwi with a vicious sense of humour, and as he watched the sleeping captain he explained to Fletcher that she'd be sleeping, but he'd be on call if they needed anything. When he finished he climbed onto the bunk beside her and wrapped his arms around her, hearing the happy sigh she gave out as he did, and he felt complete again, she was safe.

_**You make me wanna call you in the middle of the night** _   
_**You make me wanna hold you til the morning light** _   
_**You make me wanna love, you make me wanna fall** _   
_**You make me wanna surrender my soul** _

"Jon, it's 3am" she came to the screen yawning, in her nightgown with tussled hair, and she was beautiful to him. She stifled a yawn even as she repeated the time.

"I know." He confirmed enjoying the minute just watching, the lights were on low in both their quarters, and he suddenly wished they were nearer.

"What's up?"

"This is the first time we've been in comm range for a month, I missed you." He said, and she burst out laughing, it was a sweet and innocent sound, something he wished he could hear more often, just the laughter of a woman truly amused.

"We still sent letters." she yawned out, covering her face with her hands as she did.

"It's not the same as seeing your face."

"That might be the sweetest thing you've ever said to me." She smiled at him, and he realised that the early hour, and the fact he really had missed her probably more than he cared to admit, were making him sappy and romantic. The exact kind of people they had always laughed at in the past.

"I love you."

"I love you too, now go back to sleep." She ordered, yet another yawn passing her lips, causing him to return, and rather than fighting to keep her on, he'd make a point to call her later in the day. The upside of convoy duty was that they both had time to talk.

"Yes Captain" He smiled as he signed off, the happiest he'd been in a month, she loved him, and had actually answered his middle of the night communiqué, something he hadn't expected. He'd need to make it up to her in the morning, but regardless, he had seen her face, and he felt better.

_**As weeks went by it showed that she was not fine** _   
_**They told me son it’s time to tell the truth and** _   
_**She broke down, and I broke down** _   
_**Coz I was tired of lying** _

The meal had been fun and frivolous, talking about the latest scuttlebutt she heard in her position on the comms, and the rumours the pilots shared. But after coffee and desert, walking along the riverfront as they often did. When his hand slipped into hers, a thoughtless gesture born out of the time they'd spent as a couple she stopped walking and looked at him, squeezing his hand before dropping it and looking at him with sad eyes "I can't do this anymore Jon."

"What are you saying?" He asked, taking a step backwards so he could study her face.

"I've been offered a position on the Republic, senior comm officer, I'm going to take it."

"Erika..." He started, trying to tell her that she didn't need to leave, that he'd back off if he needed too, just to keep her around, he didn't want to have to say goodbye, but he knew it was a lie, he wouldn't be able to stay away from her for long.

"Look, we made the decision together, I know, but working with you every day..." she trailed off and he saw the tears in her eyes and he was glad they had decided to go out as friends when she said she had news. She took a deep breath and continued, the sadness in her voice almost breaking him, "working with you, when all I want to do is reach out and hold you is just too painful. I know, you took the promotion because I said so, even though it ended us."

"I don't want to not see you every day. That's the best part of this." He admitted. He missed her, and that was the worst part of their decision. They couldn't see each other, not under Starfleet's rules. He looked at her as she betrayed the first sign that she was sure about this decision, when she looked away from him, taking just one step.

"Not for me." Were her words as she walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order
> 
> To Be You Hero - Steps  
> I'm Not The One - New Found Glory  
> Scar - Missy Higgins  
> You Make Me Wanna - Blue  
> Brick - Ben Folds Five


	3. Chapter 3

_**Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied** _  
_**Everyone goes round a little empty inside** _  
_**Take a breath, look around, swallow your pride** _  
_**For now** _

It had been a good run. All of it. Everything they had done together. She smiled as she walked around her quarters, she heard the Captain sitting behind her, watching her sentimental display.

"Whatever you need, take it."

"Really?" She asked, surprised by the offer, as he had been unwilling, at first, to even allow her to speak to his crew about possible transfers.

"You're going to be out seeing things I can't even imagine Erika, really?"

"I'll take chef" She joked, already knowing that chef had agreed to come and join Columbia anyway. She looked out of the viewport to the docking bay that held her ship. The words were still surprising to her. That ship out there was her ship. _Columbia_ was her command. She smiled as Captain Jennings shook her hand.

"We'll miss you here, Captain." She smiled at Jennings' use of her new rank. It wasn't official until they got planetside, but the notification she had been promoted to _Columbia_ had filtered through the ship almost two weeks earlier, and while she had tried not to change her habits on _Republic_ , she hadn't been successful.

"I'll miss it here too, Captain." She told him honestly. She would miss the friends she had on _Republic_ , but nothing lasted forever, and it was time for her to move on.

_**Coz all of the stars are fading away** _  
_**Just try not to worry you’ll see them someday** _  
_**Just take what you need and be on your way** _  
_**And stop crying your heart out** _

The stars were replaced every few days by another piece of the shell that was slowly blanking out her vision.

The Caeliar had taken almost everything from her, her ship, her crew, her life... and now they were taking the sky from her too. She found herself looking at the distant star that held her home, nobody she knew was living on that planet right now. Her thoughts lingered on her mother, her friends and most of all Jonathan.

What would he have done in her situation? Would he have made the same decision she had done, or would he have made a run for home and hoped for the best. She lowered her head as he came to her thoughts again and she wished him the best. She wished she could tell him that she was alive. Send a goodbye message that would reach Earth just in time for Columbia going missing.

She'd never get the chance to tell him that the combined 5 years she had spent with him had been the best times of her life. Her tears began to fall as she lamented everything that had gone wrong in the last century.

The stars were gone, and with it, her last connection to Earth, and she knew the moment she could no longer see the sun that she would never see it again.

_**We’ve seen the other side of life and not been too impressed** _  
_**It doesn’t beat a day at home if you put it to the test** _  
_**But at least we took the challenge we didn’t just pretend** _  
_**Never mind the stranger’s coz I’ll always be your friend** _  
_**Until the end** _

He sat with his arm around his shoulder, not even thinking about the other officers around the room, the gathering was only attended by their senior staffs, and the captain's mess on Jupiter Station had been specially booked for the occasion. The engineers were sat together, more than likely talking shop. Hoshi was sat with _Columbia_ 's Comm officer and Commander, playing some version of a game he'd never seen before. The others were dotted around, sharing stories, sharing the experience of being the only two NX crews in the galaxy.

"They're good people." Came the voice from his side, after the main course they had sat together, initially they had been quietly discussing their orders, but as the rest of them had separated out into groups they had drifted onto more personal topics, their mutual friends, their mothers. Then they had just sat together watching their crews interact, he didn't recall when he'd put his arm around her shoulders, but the closeness made him smile. He looked down at her as she motioned to the room at large.

"The best in the fleet." He smiled, catching the eye of Travis as the pilot gestured around the room to his counterpart from _Columbia_. He stopped studying the room and instead studied the woman at his side. His fellow captain, his friend, his lover, his confidante. She made being out in deep space seem less lonely, as he wasn't exploring alone.

"I feel like we're the proud parents." She whispered a few minutes later as people started drifting back toward the table as deserts and coffees were brought into the room. He didn't want to move from the sofa under the viewport just yet, so he stayed where he was, and Erika followed his lead.

"However much we all love being out there, deep space, nothing is like being at home. We need these friendships."

"And more." She smiled a mischievous grin that made him want to hurry her back to her quarters, or his, and work on seeing that smile, but in the years since their first romance he had learnt discretion, and knew that in this situation the best he could do was take her hand. He always had a friend in her, and that was obvious.

_**These are my thoughts written down on paper** _  
_**It’s my only saviour from not saying what I wanna say** _  
_**There are the thoughts that are on my mind** _  
_**Moments that haven’t yet been defined** _  
_**And I don’t know if you can ever understand** _  
_**These are the things I can’t say when we’re alone** _

She wrote everything down in her log. That was all she could do. Her personal logs were the only place she could put her thoughts clearly, and then she deleted them right away, just in case. The problem was that she wanted to tell him that she loved him. That she couldn't imagine a day when they weren't what they were to each other, even though they were parsecs apart.

She'd never tell him. When they were alone together things were so pure, so calm, and just about them or they were hectic, planning for a war they both knew was coming. Her thoughts were more often than not confused, and nonsensical. Professionally she had everything together, she knew she was a good captain, who could make the hard decision when they were needed, but in her personal life she had far more trouble.

The moments that would define her relationship hadn't happened, and would probably never happen, only coming together once or twice a month at most. She didn't know his thoughts, or if he even understood that she needed to know, because she was falling hard.

_**You're the kinda guy who's hand in mine** _  
_**Sends shivers up and down my spine** _  
_**You took my heart** _  
_**And put it back together again** _

Every time they were together there was always a spark, there had been since their first meeting. She'd been hit by lightening when he walked into the room that first time. She'd watched his suave confidence in his abilities, and that was all she had needed to be attracted to him.

Their friendship had come first, and he had been one of the best friends she'd ever made, he'd always been there when she needed someone to talk to, someone to remind her that she was doing this to better Humanity. He would sit her down with a glass of wine or a bottle of scotch and remind her that they were in this for the same reason. She wanted to explore, the same as he did. One night their combined mission had driven her to his place, emotionally wrought, angry and annoyed. The emotions of the night had led to one of the most satisfying nights of her life.

And one of the best relationships, one that she would restart at the drop of a hat. After all these years she didn't remember why they'd broken up to begin with. So standing on this mountain with him, hearing him talk about how much had changed while he was out in space. His optimism and naivety was gone, but she knew that she could help him if he'd accept her help. But convincing him that she truly wanted it was the harder part. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated this to show me sister how it works on here.
> 
> Songs in order:
> 
> For Now - Avenue Q  
> Stop Crying Your Heart Out - Oasis  
> Never Mind The Strangers - The Saw Doctors  
> Truth Of My Youth - New Found Glory  
> Ultimate - Lindsay Lohan


	4. Chapter 4

**_Just coz he can't hear what you say_ **   
**_Doesn't mean that he's not listening_ **   
**_Listening to your words_ **   
**_And he might like what you say_ **

"I never said that." She pointed out after he had talked about something she had hypothesised about for almost ten minutes.

"You didn't have too"

"Jon..." She started, about to tell him that if he thought it was a terrible idea she wouldn't put it forward for review, and she would focus on working around the personnel problems she had at the moment.

"Shush, Erika, it's a great idea." He silenced her with a grin, not needing to do any more to stop her rambling on about something he already knew.

"Really?"

"Yeah, it's too bad Captains can't swap ships." He joked, and she immediately saw an opportunity for needling him a little more about how often they had ' _briefings_ ' when the ships were in range of each other. Her senior staff knew now that was code for a private Captain's meeting.

"You spend enough time on _Columbia_ as it is. In fact Commander Fletcher joked that..."

"I can imagine." Jon grimaced, having remembered when Veronica had been one of the junior pilots on the NX programme years earlier, he had always been one of her favourite targets, "It's because you and Porthos don't get along."

"It's the dogs' problem." She smiled as he let out a chuckle, the four-legged fiend jumping onto his lap and licking the screen. "Sure, like me when I'm a lightyear away, Porthos, and bark at me when I'm on _Enterprise_." Jon's smile was infectious as he and Porthos looked at the screen with the same expression on their faces. "Who knew, dogs really do look like their owners. Call me tomorrow" She asked, and saw his nod before she signed off. That dog would be the death of her, she was sure of it.

_**And when we meet, which I’m sure we will** _   
_**All that was there will be there still** _   
_**I’ll let it pass, and hold my tongue** _   
_**And you will think that I’ve moved on** _

There he was, walking through the door, and in an instant all the emotions of their relationship came back. The love and the anger. She knew that she would have to bite her tongue, and stick to being his friend and nothing more. They had been friends long before their relationship, and they were still friends now.

But now it was harder, because she knew that he still had the same feelings for her. They had said they were going to leave things on the mountain, so sitting with a few friends having a meal before they both shipped out shouldn't be a problem. As she stood to leave he smiled and followed suit,

"Walk you home?" he asked, casually falling into step besides her, she nodded and motioned in the direction of her apartment.

"Sure." They made easy conversation as they walked, and she was glad to see the man she had known all those years returning. As they approached her building she found herself slowing, not wanting to end the moment. As they got to her door she looked at him and took a deep breath, ready to say goodnight, then the look in his eyes stopped her. "Do you want to come-" She was stopped as his lips claimed hers. Her arms snaked around his neck even as they pushed the door open.

Maybe she wasn't ready to move on after all.

_**You touched my heart, you touched my soul** _   
_**You changed my life and all my goals** _   
_**If love is blind then that I knew when** _   
_**My heart was blinded by you** _

He didn't know what she had done to him, after Rebecca he had sworn he was going to focus on his career. He was old enough now to know that if he wanted to reach his goals he needed to be selfish, he needed to focus on himself.

Then, the comm officer from the _Lovell_ transferred to his team, and at the dinner for the new recruits he'd immediately been bowled over by her. Her confidence in what she did, in what she was needed for, and what she wanted, had formed an instant connection.

As their friendship had developed she had changed his life in a million ways. He knew there were soulmates, and he was sure she was his, but telling her was the harder part. He couldn't imagine ever allowing another woman as close as he had allowed her. His heart was blind to her faults, and even when they fought he found himself loving her more.

Which was why now, ending the relationship that had been the culmination of years of building was the hardest thing he had ever done, but they had made the decision together. He was her superior officer, and it wasn't appropriate for them to be dating, seeing each other, or in a relationship. He liked to think of them as being all three.

One last kiss was his secret promise. When and if he got the chance, he would want her back.

_**Now we’re here with the lights turned low** _   
_**We won’t regret anything we do** _   
_**It’s up to you so make your move** _   
_**Move a little closer, hold me tighter** _   
_**I’ll stay if you’re gonna keep me in line** _   
_**Don’t want it to be over, move, move slower.** _

When they had originally come up to his apartment it had been bright, and the work had seemed like it would be quick to do. A minor problem with the communications array could topple the next test if they didn't get it fixed. She stretched and leaned back, only just realising exactly how dark it had gotten outside, how dim the lighting in the room was, and how close they were sat.

One emotional night had been the only time they had done anything past the bonds of friendship, and they had agreed that they were going stay friends, and forget that night, but as she looked at him in the semi-darkness, her thoughts were nothing like friends. She liked the way the darkness highlighted the cut of his jaw, and how the reflected light shined off his eyes. But she needed to try and change her thoughts. She shook her head slightly and closed her eyes.

When she reopened her eyes he was looking at her, his thoughts clearly somewhere near where hers had been. She just caught his eyes and smiled ever so slightly. His gaze was hypnotic, and as the last rays of the sun disappeared, plunging the apartment into an inky darkness she felt his hands slowly move up her arms, before she felt his lips lightly pressing against hers.

She reached instinctively for him, stroking his cheeks, down his neck, sighing as he pulled her closer to him, wrapping his arms around her tighter. She didn't want this moment to ever end, and the universe seemed to kick into slow motion as she wrapped her legs around him. The cool of the night pervading the apartment, but they made their own heat.

The question of what they would do if they were alone together was answered, she had known it was probably going to go this way, even if it wasn't what she'd wanted at first. She'd wanted to preserve their friendship, but their electricity wasn't able to be contained. She laid wrapped in his arms, not regretting a single thing they'd done. In fact, she hoped it helped them build toward something better.

_**I don't wanna hurt nobody** _   
_**But my heart just can't hold back** _   
_**It's the way you make me feel** _   
_**Spinning my world around** _   
_**Tell me how can I walk away** _   
_**I don't care what they say** _   
_**I'm loving you anyway** _

She was spun round, confused and angry. The questions didn't make any sense to her, the man in question was inside, why didn't Rebecca just go and ask him what the problem was.

"I don't know what you expect me to say!?" She shouted, unable to keep the calm and collected voice she used during stressful situations every day, because this time she genuinely didn't know what she was expected to say.

"Tell me the truth!"

"Nothing is going on with me and Jonathan!"

"You're always together, always laughing, talking." Rebecca accused, angrily wiping her eyes, clearly convinced that something was amiss, but whatever it was, it wasn't Erika's fault.

"We're teammates."

 "Sure."

"Why don't you talk to him about this, he'll tell you the same thing!" The woman stalked off, and Erika couldn't contain her confusion, she did love Jonathan, but as a friend, a teammate. At least that was what she'd tell herself, because she refused to get in the way of another relationship, and she didn't have the time anyway. She walked back into the room and Jonathan was there, by the door. "You might want to go after your girlfriend." She said, pointing down the street Rebecca had walked off down.

"Not my girlfriend anymore" he said simply, and handed her another drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order:
> 
> Better Off Dead - New Found Glory  
> White Flag - Dido  
> Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt  
> Make Your Move - New Found Glory  
> It's The Way You Make Me Feel - Steps


	5. Chapter 5

_**All of the words in all of my life** _   
_**That could never explain and never describe** _   
_**All of my love which is nothing to hide** _   
_**So I lift up my hands and I worship you** _

"There are no words I can use to describe Erika Hernandez." He took a deep breath, the words being so much harder for him to say than he had expected, "She was my best friend, my fellow captain, and my confidante. She was an amazing officer, and will be missed by all at Starfleet." He stepped away from the reporters flocking around him from all corners of the Coalition.

"There you hear Captain Archer of _Enterprise_ describing Captain Hernandez as being his best friend, they two were the first-" He tuned the words out of his mind as he passed them. Not wanting to think about the less than accurate statement he gave to the press. Not because she wasn't everything he had said, but because she was so much more than that.

Starfleet had broken her down to three sentences, because he had written pages about who she was, about what she had meant to him, about the jokes she had always played when she'd been part of the NX programme, about all of the advice and help she had given him the two years since _Columbia_ 's launch.

"You look angry?" His XO asked as she fought her way through the crowded journalists following him. The Starfleet buildings were flying their flags at half mast for the week that _Columbia_ was officially declared lost. In honour of the 80 men and women who had given their lives for the coalition. He was angry. He was angry at the war, he was angry at the Romulans, he was angry at Starfleet and in a strange way he was angry at Erika for not coming back. Most of all though, he was angry at the combination that had pulled them apart, and at the mediocre search Starfleet had put out to find them.

"I am angry, T'Pol. She deserved better than this. She deserved so much better."  He seethed, and continued into the building towards the council halls. Determined to hear the ceremony from start to finish, and hope that they treated Erika better there.

_**Shaking your head like it’s so wrong** _   
_**Before you’re here you’re already gone** _   
_**And even with the light all around you** _   
_**You’re all alone in the dark** _

He sat a little way away from her even though it was only the two of them out on the mountain. He was so withdrawn, so unlike the man she had known for so long, and there was something fleeting about the way he was treating her.

Even as the light from the stars and the moon shone on their little outcrop where they had decided to make camp, he sat in the shadows, alone in the dark, and she wonder if it was a physical representation of how he felt.

She needed to know what she could do to make him feel better, but the man was breaking himself, and there was nothing she could do to stop him.

_**So if I get drunk and call you up** _   
_**Don’t get pissed, and don’t hang up** _   
_**I know it’s late but it’s never too late to be** _   
_**Another last call casualty** _

He had absolutely no idea what she was saying, and that was a first. They had gotten drunk together plenty of times, but never had he seen her this bad.

"Shran." Was the first word he recognised, and he remembered that Erika and Shran had had a meeting earlier, as with all of the General's meeting, he was sure that Andorian Ale had been served. He'd been due to go, but issues with the warp reactor had delayed him, and by the time he had dealt with it he'd had a message from Shran praising him on his choice in mates.

"Erika, just stay in your quarters, and I'll be there in a few minutes." He said, and hit his own wallpanel. "T'Pol, I've been called to an emergency on _Columbia_. I may be there much of the night."

"Is everything OK Captain?"

"It will be, when I speak to Erika and Shran." He frowned and jogged through Jupiter station to _Columbia_ 's berth on the opposite side to _Enterprise._ When he walked into Erika's bunk he was unsurprised to find her sat in the bathroom. He smiled and sat down beside her, handing her a glass of water. "First time drinking Andorian Ale. It gets stronger after you drink it" He muttered to her, and received a small smile and a look that told him she had figured that much out.

_**I wish I could go back to college** _   
_**Life was so simple back then** _   
_**What would I give to go back and live** _   
_**In a dorm with a meal plan again** _

The wind rattled through the abandoned streets of Axion, and Erika Hernandez lamented the life she was living right now. Another part of the timeline she was on Earth, at the Academy, getting ready to dedicate herself to the life that would bring her so much pain and sadness.

In another year or two, her younger self would meet her soulmate, Jonathan Archer, and begin their long friendship, and their torrid affairs. She had always considered herself Jon's friend first. They had first met when she'd been 24, newly transferred from the _Lovell_ to the NX programme.

She wished she was back there now. 600 years hadn't removed him from her mind, hadn't made her forget anything about from her life. She missed the life she had had back then, and she probably always would. It had been anything but simple, but it had been normal. That was what she missed.

_**I keep a close watch on this heart of mine** _   
_**I keep my eyes wide open all the time** _   
_**I keep the ends out for the tie that binds** _   
_**Because you're mine I walk the line** _

He had always thought that he was a genuine guy, he didn't cheat, he didn't play the field. He was more interested in his work, in getting his goals. But now he found himself thinking more about what he could do, what he should do. He didn't focus on her, in fact, most of the time he tried to forget her because thinking about her only made things more difficult. He needed to keep himself closed from her, but it didn't work. Because the moment he saw her ship, or her face on his screen. He remembered that she was his, and that was why he did what he did.

She had her guide, and she knew that it would be easy for him to tell her to figure everything out on her own as he'd had to do. But he didn't, and he was always on the end of the line if she needed help with a decision. Not that he didn't call her on occasion too. Just to see what she'd do. Or to find out about her day was going. Every time he called out of the blue she realised why they worked so well together, they were connected by their love for exploration, their love of space, and their positions. It worked for them, and they worked together, walking that line. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order
> 
> All Of The Words - Kutless  
> Breaking Your Own Heart - Kelly Clarkson  
> Last Call Casualty - Bowling For Soup  
> I Wish I Could Go Back To College - Avenue Q  
> I Walk The Line - Johnny Cash


	6. Chapter 6

_**I feel her slipping through my fingers** _   
_**Now she’s gone I’m sleeping with the light on** _   
_**And shocks went through my veins** _   
_**Now that she’s gone I’m sleeping with the light on** _

He left the lights on, that way the photographs could be seen whichever way he turned. It was as if he could feel her sliding away from him. Nobody had heard from _Columbia_ in days, it had been a month since he'd last spoken to Erika, and in the dark of the night he wanted to call her, tell her he missed her. That he hoped she was OK.

But of course he couldn't do that. So he would grieve alone, as he always did. He wasn't ready to do this all alone, without her. She had pulled him back from the brink after the Xindi mission, and again when things had been difficult for him with losing Trip to the intelligence service. He needed Erika Hernandez, but he didn't know where she was, and now she was gone, things had changed for him.

_**Well I know what I’ve been told** _   
_**You’ve got to know just when to fold** _   
_**But I can’t do this all on my own** _   
_**No I know, I’m no superman** _

She couldn't do this on her own, and it was time to call in help. At least he wasn't far away. She could hear the water stop running in the bathroom that told her he was out of the shower.

"Jonathan!"

"What?" He looked round the doorway even as she held the door to the wardrobe she had just, somehow, taken from the cupboard. He shook his head even as he started chuckling at her clumsiness, just as he always had before.

"Can you fix this?"

"I... fine. I need to get to work soon though."

"So do I and I have to get across the station, but I still need help." Her ship was the other side, and she would need to walk the whole way, using the transporter was still something she wasn't sure about.

"You hold it, I'll push it." He said, and as the door popped back into place they both fell to the floor, and when she began laughing he joined in with her, wrapping his arms around her as they laid there trying to catch their breath. She was glad for the few minutes they got to spend there before Porthos was on them, they laid there another minute longer as the dog climbed on them until they got up and separated out their uniforms, and finally actually left for the day.

_**What hurts the most was being so close** _   
_**Having so much to say, watching you walk away** _   
_**Never knowing what could have been** _   
_**I’m not saying that loving you is what I was trying to do** _

They had been so close to having everything they wanted. He couldn't imagine that this was hurting her any less than it was hurting him. He wanted to tell her everything that he still had in his heart, everything that he wanted to say over the years they had known each other. How he was always blown away by her professionalism and dedication. How he had fallen in love with her mischievous personality that so few people ever got to see.

They'd never know just how far they could have gone, because they had made the decision that his career should come before them. That they should sacrifice their happiness for something he had always dreamed of. What might have happened had they made a different decision, if he had fought her more, fought for what they had.

He loved her, and right now that was the hard part, because loving her was part of the issue. If he was a commander not only would he be in contention for the warp flight tests that they were going to start running soon, if he excelled he would be front runner to be the captain of the first warp 5 ship. Erika shared his dreams, and he loved her because she knew him.

But watching her walk away was one of the most difficult things he had ever done. Especially after she promised that she would always be his friend, and always be there if he needed her help to bring him back to Earth, or to remind him why they reach for the stars.

_**When you are the furthest from me** _   
_**Only a photo keeps me company** _   
_**And all I have's a shred of hope and thoughts til I see you again** _   
_**All this time I'm waiting** _   
_**Wondering when will I see you again** _   
_**This is just the tip of the iceberg** _   
_**No bone in my body tells me I deserve her** _

He hated knowing she was so far from Earth controlled space, but he guessed that for her this was as close to exploring as she was going to get for the next few years if they were right about the war. Right now he wanted to talk to her, he wasn't sure why, he just did. They'd only gotten off a call a couple of hours earlier. He looked at the picture of her he kept on his desk, alongside one of his parents.

The picture was the only thing he had until he saw her again, and it would have to do. Because he loved her and wondered how long it would be until he actually saw her. It was so much waiting, but he did his job, and focused on that. It was what he needed. He was almost certain he didn't deserve her, she was so patient with him, so determined that the good in the universe would eventually balance out the bad he'd seen.

But sometimes he thought it was just the tip of the iceberg, both the war and his feelings about her.

_**There’s one in this world for everyone** _   
_**One heart, one soul to walk beside you** _   
_**One in this life to share your love** _   
_**One touch to touch the heart inside you** _

The whole time they had been doing the inspection tour of both ships he had had to restrain himself from asking the question that had been on his mind since _Columbia_ had arrived at the site of the battle with her guns blazing, pushing the Romulans' back into their own space again. Now in the safety of his quarters he felt that he could ask her. He watched her as she slid comfortably onto the chair and stroked Porthos' ears. "How do you always know?"

"What do you mean?" She smiled just a little, looking up at him with the mischievous glint he loved so much.

" _Enterprise_ didn't call for _Columbia_ this time." He pointed out as he lowered himself to the bed, laying back and turning his head so he could watch her as she looked into the distance. He could almost sense her going over the minute she decided to set a course for _Enterprise_.

"I just knew you needed me, and we were nearby." She reasoned out a few minutes later, coming to sit on the bed beside him, he put his hand on her hip and gently stroked in circles as she continued thinking. He knew the look on her face well enough not to interrupt her. She looked at him a moment later and stroked his cheek lightly. "I knew you were in trouble, and I knew I needed to help, any way I could."

"Not that nearby, but I'm glad you came, we wouldn't have been able to drive them away without you." He smiled, any moment where the two of them could be alone and it be acceptable within their duties were the sweetest. Even though he knew he'd need to be back on the bridge soon, he wanted to take the moment he had with her, because who knew the next time they'd be close enough to do this.

"They always said that we had a connection Jon, maybe they were right." Erika whispered a minute later, her eyes searching his face for something, but he didn't know what. A minute later she stood up, and he already missed her closeness. He sat up and watched her as she picked up the padd she had brought in with her and then smiled at him. "I guess I should get back to my ship." She smiled a little then started towards the door.

He didn't want her to leave that way, the problems needed to be behind them, so he dove to his feet and stopped in front of her, putting his hands on her shoulders and studying her with the same intensity as she'd studied him a minute earlier. "I suppose, you should." He didn't move from in front of her though, and instead pulled her against him and kissed her. After a long and healthy silence he backed away a little and smiled again, "but not before I got to give you a proper thank you."

"Maybe I should rescue you more often?" She joked, and at the smile on her face he kissed her again. Maybe the nameless, faceless people who had commented on them were right after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order:
> 
> Sleeping With The Light On - Busted  
> I'm No Superman - Lazlo Bane  
> What Hurts The Most - Jo O'Meara  
> Tip Of The Iceberg - New Found Glory  
> One in this World - Hailey Duff


	7. Chapter 7

_**Close your eyes for just one moment** _   
_**Disco at the start of summer** _   
_**Sun still shining through the window** _   
_**And you were just about blossom** _

The summer sun shone through the windows of the restaurant, he had spent enough time in the sun at the party, and had no real reason to stay out there. Not when he could watch her fine from the position he had chosen. Her smile made the sunlight seem stronger, and he felt corny for even thinking that. But he could see why she was one of the socially popular members of his team.

She had a killer smile, a sense of humour, and a beauty that was unmatched, and the summer was just making her seem even more beautiful. If he closed his eyes for a minute he could imagine she was his. That was probably the closest he was every going to come.

"You're Archer, right? In charge of beta team at the NX Programme?" He opened his eyes and she was there, sliding into the seat opposite him "I'm joining your team on Monday, transfer from the _Lovell_ , Lieutenant Hernandez."

Her smile lit up again, and even as he sat forward, ready to discuss his work, he thought about how beautiful she was once again, then put it all to the back of his mind, they would have to work together.

_**Soon I’ll be back from all this work** _   
_**And I’ll make love to you** _   
_**We’ll be connected** _   
_**Soon I’ll be back in your arms** _   
_**Be back in your arms** _   
_**Connected** _

This was the longest they'd been apart since renewing their relationship, but with _Columbia_ on her final approach to spacedock, she already knew that _Enterprise_ and Jonathan were there. They had reservations at her favourite restaurant and she knew that he had more than likely sorted out his apartment for them to return too.

She didn't realise exactly how much she had missed him, it wasn't just that she had missed her lover, though there was that side to it, she had missed his advice, she had missed his friendship and she had missed his company. The shuttle journey seemed almost impossibly slow, and she knew it wasn't good for the Captain to run out of the shuttlepod to meet her family, as those members of the crew she had travelled with were ready to do. Instead, she met him gracefully, only their shared smiles telling anyone they were more than friends and colleagues.

They never made it to their reservations. Once they were finally out of the public eye, the difficult months apart had weighed on them, and she had wrapped her arms around him. Minutes later they had arrived in his building, and the hours since had past in the way she had expected the night to go. Now as she laid curled into his side, still breathing heavily she smiled and kissed him lightly. "You know, I really missed you."

"I missed you too." He confirmed with a nod of his head and a kiss to her forehead, and the connection they had was reinforced, never to be broken.

_**It’s written all over your face** _   
_**Such a painful thing to waste** _   
_**Tell me now where do we go** _   
_**Now the future’s not so clear** _   
_**I can’t believe we’ve ended here** _   
_**Where’s the world that doesn’t care** _   
_**Maybe I could meet you there** _

She knew the decision he'd made before he said anything. It was the decision she had urged him to make, but regardless she hurt that he had chosen that way regardless. They had something amazing going, they had ever since the first time they met and their friendship had begun. She didn't want to lose that friendship, which was the basis for everything that had come afterwards.

"So, where do we go now?" She asked, her voice breaking as she did. The expression on Jon's face didn't change at all, he just took hold of her hand, threading his fingers through hers. The intimacy of the gesture completely at odds with the words he said next.

"Friends, colleagues?"

"I can't believe this is it."

"You know it wouldn't be appropriate fo-" she held up a hand, cutting him off. She knew all the rules they would be breaking, and she didn't need to hear them spelled out when she didn't want to think about them again, and she hoped she'd never have to again.

"I know, but that doesn't mean I have to accept it."

"One day, maybe nobody will care?" He said, a hopeful timbre to his voice as he posed the statement as a question.

"When that day comes, I'll meet you there." She smiled, even as her tears threatened to overwhelm her, and reached up and kissed his cheek. She lingered for a second longer than she had too, just taking in one last second with him, before the reality of the situation sank in, and she turned away, desperate to get away so her emotions didn't betray her.

_**Whenever dark turns to night** _   
_**And all the dreams sing their song** _   
_**In the daylight forever** _   
_**To you I belong** _

She heard his voice in her mind, no matter how many years passed she celebrated his birthday, as best she could. The day of his actual birth she remembered that she had sat and cried, something that had concerned her jailers. She had to explain to them why it hurt to know that her life was going on.

She didn't even get to see him in her sleep any longer, she hadn't slept in almost 500 years, but that didn't take him away from her. He was as clear today in her memory as he had been the last time they had spoken, the last time they had eaten, the last time they had made love.

She was his, she had been his since she was 24, and regardless of the centuries that passed, she would never love anyone like she had him, even if she was eventually allowed to return to her people. She had never been anyone else's. In the harsh daylight of Erigol she pictured his face in front of her, and wished that once more, just once more, she could hear his voice for real, telling her to be strong.

_**He will do one of two things** _   
_**He’ll admit to everything** _   
_**Or he’ll say he’s just not the same** _   
_**And you’ll begin to wonder why you came** _

"Are you telling me I have some kind of death wish?" He snapped, and she just kept watching him, hoping he would see reason.

"You tell me."

"All I'm trying to do is get away from you" the words cut her, even though she knew he was just lashing out, trying to deflect attention from the fact he knew he wanted to talk, but she knew how stubborn he had always been at opening up about himself. "I look at you, and I see the person I was three years ago. The explorer my father wanted me to be. I lost something out there, and I don't know how to get it back." The sound of his admission fell on her ears, but she already knew. She'd known all along that he thought he was less of a man.

She sat forward and kissed him lightly. Barely anything, just a breath on his lips, but she tried to put as much into it as she could, she wanted him to know she cared about him. Whatever his faults and his issues, whatever decisions he had made that had caused him to lose so much of his self confidence, she still loved him.

"Whatever you lost. Maybe I can help you find it." She replied, barely above a whisper. He just looked at her before kissing her again, pulling her body against his they tumbled onto the bedroll and sleeping bag he'd been sat on. She felt the hesitance as he looked at her again, a look of concern on his face.

"Erika-" She silenced him with another kiss, and he stopped resisting her. Wrapping his long arms around her, she listened to his confessions, hoping that she could save him from himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order:
> 
> Red Cortina - The Saw Doctors  
> Connected - New Found Glory  
> Meet You There - Busted  
> To You I Belong - B*Witched  
> How To Save A Life - The Fray


	8. Chapter 8

_**For all these times that we walked away** _   
_**For all these times that I heard you say** _   
_**Give me something to believe in** _   
_**Give me someone to believe in** _   
_**For all these times and it starts today** _

He had heard her say goodbye more times than he could count, and they never really ended up being goodbye. They always came across each other again. Then again, with Starfleet so few officers in comparison to the military, it wasn't actually all that surprising, especially amongst the higher ranks, that they ran into each other often.

He couldn't just forget about her, he hadn't in the years they'd been apart and barely speaking. He certainly couldn't know that she was only a parsec and a phonecall away. He remembered when they had first been separated by duty she had quoted from Peter Pan. "Don't say goodbye, because saying goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."

Once, not long after she and _Columbia_ had left Earth, he had just sent her the words "Peter Pan" in a message, and she'd replied promising she'd never forget him, in a thousand years she'd still remember him. She gave him that something to believe in, and he always would.

_**I do want to show you** _   
_**I would run to you, to you until** _   
_**I can't stand on my own any more** _   
_**I cross my heart and hope to die** _

The building was full of so many families reuniting, so many shuttles were arriving from Jupiter station, but he was running through looking for one face. He knew she'd be there. She had to be there. She was always on the first shuttle back to Starfleet.

Even if he couldn't embrace her the way he wanted, he hoped that him running through the arrivals would show her that he cared, that he had worried. When he finally saw her he tried to skid to a halt and wound up falling straight over. Then he heard the sweetest sound he'd heard in months as she bent down and picked him up, she was laughing. That sound made it worth making a fool of himself, because he had made her laugh.

_**All alone I didn't like the feeling** _   
_**All alone I sat and cried** _   
_**All alone I had to find some meaning** _   
_**In the centre of the pain I felt inside** _

She was alone now. Veronica was gone, peacefully leaving in her arms. Earth was gone, almost a century behind her, but also several centuries ahead of her. She had no-one to ask, no-one to help her. As far as she knew, she was the last surviving member of her crew.

A captain should never outlive her crew. Erika had never really had a choice in that, and she felt that every decision she had made since that fateful Romulan attack had been the wrong decision to make. She had lost her crew, they had all lost their lives, and she had been held as a prisoner for the rest of her life.

She couldn't even make sense of the emotions bursting within her. Veronica's last words haunting her, Jonathan's, her mothers. The last thing she had heard each of them speak. Jonathan's smiling face as they kissed goodbye before she left for the Onias system, telling her that next time he was choosing the restaurant. Her mother, reminding her to be careful, and Veronica's triumphant whisper as life had slipped away from her.

Now Erika was left alone with her pain, and left to make sense of her life. What little sense there was to be made. She looked to the three trees on the hill where she knew Veronica rested, peacefully, and her tears began to fall again, and she cried, for all the lost ones.

_**Slow building up now** _   
_**Closing in on you now** _   
_**Breathing down your neck now** _   
_**Telling you don’t leave it all behind** _   
_**It takes you to open up your eyes** _   
_**To see the light, It’s all around you** _

He could see what she wanted him to see now. She had dozed back off to sleep, this time there in his arms, close enough that he could feel her breathing against his chest. He just wrapped his arms around her.

The depression and anger he had felt inside had been broken by the selfless actions of the one woman in the galaxy who understood him, who knew that he would never have broken down like that had she not pushed him to the limit. He thought back, and her stubborn, sarcastic nature had always been one of the things that had attracted him most.

She was the light that guided him, and he had just lost that for a while, now she was there and telling him that he shouldn't throw everything away. He had worked too hard for his career to throw it away. He just knew that it was time he focused on what he could do, not what he couldn't.

_**Another turning point a fork stuck in the road** _   
_**Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go** _   
_**So make the best of this test and don’t ask why** _   
_**It’s not a question but a lesson learned in time** _

The decision was surely simple. Call for the Vulcans, or make do and mend. Right now though, neither was actually possible. The subspace array was repairable, and then maybe they could call for _Enterprise_ 's help. Being towed home by their sister ship was nowhere near as big a come down for _Columbia_ as asking the Vulcans.

Unfortunately, war made her own demands, and those demands rarely cared about the pride of one starship and her crew. Erika had learnt that numerous times in her short time as a Captain. She looked around the bridge and saw the same conclusion dawning on other faces. When her eyes landed on her XO, the stocky New Zealander shrugged before speaking.

"If needs must?" she whispered in her 'captain only' voice, and Erika once again found herself glad that Veronica was less outspoken than Hernandez herself had been.

"I think needs must Ronnie." Erika agreed in a whisper, and turned to the comm console. "Hail the Vulcans, lieutenant. Tell them we could use a lift back to Jupiter Station." She just hoped that Jonathan wouldn't tease her too badly about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order:
> 
> For All These Times, Son. For All These Times - LostProphets  
> Cross My Heart - Marianas Trench  
> Sand and Water - Beth Neilsen Chapman  
> It's All Around You - New Found Glory  
> Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) - Green Day


	9. Chapter 9

_**Seems like there's always someone who disapproves** _   
_**They'll judge it like they know about me and you** _   
_**And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do** _   
_**The jury's out, my choice is you** _

Even as his arms pulled her closer she worried about the impact away from them. Their positions, their history. She wondered if really it all counted for nothing. She leant back just far enough that she could see his eyes as she asked the question that bothered her beyond any other. "I wonder if Starfleet would approve, the captains of the only two warp 5 ships"

"You're forgetting the climbers code." He replied, a mischievous smirk crossing his face. He was already so different from the man she had begun climbing with two days earlier. People had been so quick to judge him, both positively and negatively after the Xindi mission, none of them judged him harsher than himself. But she knew him, maybe better than he knew himself, and not once had she thought he had done something she wouldn't have done in the same situation. As their embrace lengthened, and their arms held each other tighter, he smiled at her and whispered."We can rename it, how about the Captains' code. Whatever happens between us stays with us."

Her fear that this would be a fling eliminated with those words. Those with nothing better to do than give them orders didn't need to know about what they were talking about. "That I can agree with." She smiled, letting him hold her closer. Not wanting to get off the mountain and break the spell they were in. But her choice had been made, and no matter what, she wasn't letting him get away this time. She needed him the way he needed her, as one last anchor reminding them that while the big chair is a lonely place, they were never truly alone.

_**When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears** _   
_**When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears** _   
_**And I held your hand through all of these years** _   
_**You still have all of me** _

"Thanks" he whispered, leaning over to her one more minute and sliding his hand into hers, glad that the balcony they stood on hid that tiny gesture from the room at large. She intertwined her fingers with his, and just smiled at him. The ceremony going below them was the reason they had both been recalled, and while _Columbia_ hadn't made the original date, she had made it for the funeral, and for the second sittings.

Jonathan knew he had played a large part in this coalition, it wasn't something that he was going to flaunt, it was why he had asked to be stood with the Admirals, and his fellow Captains, for the meeting. His crew had stood on ceremony once already. The emotions of the last few days were still raw for them all, and they needed the break this was giving them.

He didn't need to be away, he knew his place was here, but having Erika beside him, her silent support helping him through the best and worst times of his life. She had fought with him, and she had calmed his nerves and wiped his tears, she had told him when he was being an idiot, and she had told him when he was right. The hand that grasped his with the same pressure as he held hers was the symbol of everything they had ever been. Understated but present.

Even after all the years of their friendship, their romances and their cooling off, they had been there, sending letters and well wishes. She had been the first to contact him after she had read one of _Enterprise'_ s reports, the first to worry about him when they didn't check in. He had realised that they were so much more than friends and lovers. They burned together, and she still had all of his heart, and his soul. She had everything that was him, and he didn't regret it for a moment.

_**Sometimes I wish that** _   
_**I could freeze the picture** _   
_**And save it from** _   
_**The funny tricks of time** _

She looked at him and for a moment wished she could just stop time. More than the fact that she was with her family, something that didn't happen often. Her stopovers on Earth were so short, and she had debriefings, but not only that, Jonathan was here with her. She watched him in the pool, playing with her brother's children. An ease returned to him she hadn't seen in years.

"He's a good guy, Rike." Simon said, sidling up beside her and handing her a drink. Nodding towards the pool with a smile on his face as his youngest shouted for her father to pay attention as she dived on top of Jonathan.

"You said that the first time." Erika pointed out, taking a sip of her drink and turning to him, smirking just a little as the sun beat down on them. Simon just grinned then threw one of the inflatable balls towards the pool.

"I stand by it, also you have no idea the contracts I get when I say my sister is an NX Captain. They all know you know him, and that makes them trust me more." Erika shook her head at Simon's joke, focusing her eyes back on Jonathan and his carefree laughter, the laughter she heard so little of the rest of the time. When Simon called the girls in to eat she slid to the edge of the pool as Jonathan swam in her direction.

"We have to go soon?" He asked in a whisper, leaning on her legs.

"After dinner, we're due back at headquarters, and _Columbia_ ships out again tomorrow." Instead of making a move to get out of the pool he just stayed leaning on her lap, and she gently ran her fingers through his hair. "I wish we didn't have to leave."

"Do you ever regret the decision we made?" He asked, lifting one arm to clearly indicate the children who had run inside. Erika had given up any idea of children, and she didn't feel bad for that most of the time, but when she saw Jonathan with her nieces, she regretted their original choice, so many years earlier, to put their careers first.

"Sometimes." She admitted, knowing better than to lie to him. A second later he pulled her down and kissed her. It was a gentle thing nothing more, but it reminded her of what they still had, and what they could do. "But we made the right one," she admitted, his hazel eyes meeting hers, and he agreed. She didn't know how she knew, but she did.

_**If my heart is made out of gold** _   
_**Then why does it feel like I’m here all alone** _   
_**You take me for granted** _   
_**You take me for reasons known only by you** _

He didn't know whether to believe he was alone or not. She hadn't spoken to him, hadn't called him, and hadn't written to him since their supposedly amicable break-up almost a month earlier. He wasn't surprised that she hadn't contacted him, she was probably trying to heal, just as he had been doing.

But he missed her friendship, he missed her stupid jokes and her taunts and her sarcastic replies. They had agreed to stay friends, so why did he feel like she was too far away. Over their relationship, and even in their breakup, he had taken her presence for granted, he wasn't going to do that now. He knew that he needed so much more than just silence from her, and he hoped, oh how he hoped, that wouldn't just ignore him.

_"Dear Erika."_

_**Don’t wake me coz I don’t wanna leave this dream** _   
_**Don’t wake me coz I never seem to stay asleep** _   
_**When it’s you I’m dreaming of** _   
_**I don’t wanna wake up** _

She tried to ignore the persistent sound of the comm system. She'd been trying to sleep, but it hadn't worked, she couldn't get his face of her mind, and that was making both sleeping and waking up more difficult.

"Hernandez?" She carried the question in the way she answered the call. She wondered how long she'd actually successfully ignored the comm, and by the chipper sound of her Scottish comm officer, it hadn't been long enough.

"Call for you Captain."

"Can I put it off til the morning?" She asked, really not ready to deal with the admiralty, or worse, the Vulcans, after so little time asleep.

"It's from _Enterprise_." Erika tried to ignore the knowing smirk she sensed from the Lieutenant's delivery of that information. The crew of the _Columbia_ already knew far more than they should have done.

"Route it down here." she climbed out of the bed and slipped into the chair in front of her desk. "Jonathan?"

"Hi."

"Any reason for your call?"

"Does a Captain need a reason to call a colleague."

"I'm not buying it." She smiled and reached out to stroke his cheek on the screen. She was certain he saw the movement, but she didn't care. At his look of concern she smiled and held a hand up, knowing he'd ask how long she'd been awake for. It was a regular thing between them, and it made her feel closer to him. "19 hours, I was trying to sleep when you called."

"I should let you go then. I just wanted to let you know I miss you." He yawned, and she wondered if he was going to bed himself.

"I miss you too." She pressed her fingers to the screen again for a moment, the illusion of contact across lightyears. Suddenly, falling back to sleep seemed much easier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order:
> 
> Ours - Taylor Swift  
> My Immortal - Evanescence  
> Slipping Through My Fingers - ABBA  
> Reasons - New Found Glory  
> Don't Wake Me - Skillet


	10. Chapter 10

_**I will go down with this ship** _   
_**And I won’t put my hands up and surrender** _   
_**There will be no white flag above my door** _   
_**I’m in love and always will be** _

"Is there anything we can do to repair the subspace antennae?"

"Nein. Captain. We don't have the materials."

"What about in the cargo bay?"

"It was largely destroyed by the Romulans"

"OK, any good news?" When nobody spoke up she shook her head and looked around "OK. Dismissed. 1900hours I want some options or some damn good news." She growled, and she didn't think anyone was surprised that she stalked into her ready room and looked at one of the photographs there behind her table. "Oh, Jonathan. What would you do if this was _Enterprise_ " She asked to his photo, but rather than the advice she would usual call for she had to think through. A few months earlier Karl had magic-ed up a repair for the damaged radio. If he said he couldn't do it this time she believed him. It just made everything more difficult, because she had no idea what she was supposed to do now. All she could think of was to find a nice nearby planet and hope that they would be able to help.

_**You made yourself look better** _   
_**At the bottom of the blackest hole** _   
_**Convinced yourself that it’s not** _   
_**The reason you don’t see the sun any more** _

He had never pretended what he had done had been the right thing. But it had been the necessary thing. The thing he had needed to ensure his crew survived, to ensure Earth survived. But did doing it all in the name of Earth really make it any better. Did it really free him from the responsibility of what he had done, because it sure as hell didn't free him of the guilt.

Erika couldn't see that, she couldn't see that what he had done had turned him into a man he was surprised she had recognised, let alone followed on this climb. He hadn't wanted her there, but he also knew her, and she wouldn't have taken no as an answer. So instead he sat in his sleeping bag in the dark and brooded. He needed to figure out how to live with himself, and return to the man he had been.

_**Every time I see your face** _   
_**Every time you look my way** _   
_**It’s like it all falls into place** _   
_**Everything feels right** _

"Erika! Damn." He felt the smile spread across his face, and felt rewarded when her smile increased to match his. He didn't forget that the other half of the screen held their immediate superior, but the Admiral stayed quiet, allowing the Captains' just one moment to reunite. "You're just what I needed to see today." He laughed and had to stop himself telling her he missed her.

"Starfleet needs to build our ships with two subspace radios. Our array got knocked out again." Erika shrugged, even while she indicated the ship around her. "Twice in a year."

"How is _Columbia_ holding up otherwise?" He asked, worried about the ship, but more worried about her Captain.

"Everyone is fine." Erika gave him a pointed look, as if reminding him that they had an audience. It seemed that  the Admiral was beginning to lose patience with them.

"Captains?"

"Sorry Admiral" He replied, his eyes still lingered on Erika's face on his screen.

"Don't apologise to me, just save the rest of this conversation for when I'm off the Comm." Jon shared another quick smile with Erika as they turned their attention back to the Admiral and his war plans. All the while thinking that things weren't as bad as he imagined, because Erika was fighting beside him.

_**How've you been? Can I come in?** _   
_**Just came to get my things and then I guess I'm leaving** _   
_**If I could say what you'd like to hear** _   
_**I'd whisper in your ear "it's only temporary"** _

The knocker was almost taunting him, he could hear the music playing on the other side of the door, and he wondered what she'd be doing. Would she be doing her laundry, cleaning the apartment, cooking? He didn't know, but he wasn't surprised by the song, it was one of her favourites and she had always listened to it when she'd been feeling down. As he finally knocked on the door he felt more nervous than he had ever been coming to this door.

Her face appeared only seconds later, and he saw the flash of pain. Not that it surprised him. They had planned to spend their lives together, and then an opportunity had come up and they had chosen to focus on their careers. He wanted to make it up to her in any way he could, but he knew that the only thing that would make anything better was the one thing he couldn't tell her.

Instead he calmly gathered his things, sharing stories of their mutual friends, the laughter returning just as they had had through their friendship. Everyone had said that the step they had taken had been inevitable, they had worked on another level, they hadn't needed to share words to know what was needed. Now he was letting it go, but they had both known it was coming. Friendships could survive a change in rank, a relationship couldn't. He wished this wasn't permanent.

_**But I've been taking you for granted** _   
_**And I thought you'd feel the same as me** _   
_**It's time that I come clean but, but for now** _   
_**Can we just both pretend to sleep** _

He laid next to her again and could feel her shoulder shaking, he wasn't sure how to comfort her. He'd never known how to tell himself that it wasn't his fault. Instead he just found himself wrapping his arms around her.

She'd arrived at his quarters looking every inch the CO she was, but it hadn't taken long after he had shut the door for the cracks to begin to appear. She couldn't still her hands, or stop pacing. He remembered the feeling. The first time meeting the family of a crewman who died under your command. He remembered how he had wished that someone had been there to provide the guidance he'd wanted then.

He had just placed his hands on hers, and pulled her into him as she had broken down. He knew that she could compartmentalise with the best, and he had only seen her cry once before in the 15 years he'd known her, and that had been when her father had died. There weren't really the words for him to tell her how to cope, so, instead holding her and pretending to sleep was all he could do, at least it was something, and she wasn't alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order:
> 
> White Flag - Dido  
> When It Rains - Paramore  
> Everytime - Simple Plan  
> By Now - Marianas Trench (x2)


	11. Chapter 11

_**Sometimes the one you want** _   
_**Is not the one you need** _   
_**What goes around don't come around** _   
_**You should know me by now** _   
_**And I should know you as well** _

He couldn't imagine his life without her, mostly because he had never been without her. Not really. She wasn't the one he wanted though. Not right now. He wanted to be alone, and she wasn't letting him.

She knew him and maybe that was the problem. They'd been friends for more than a decade, lovers for almost half that time. That was partly why she was there, he knew that. They had always known what the other did when they wanted to be alone. They also knew when the other shouldn't be left alone. He had followed up mountains and through cities when things hadn't worked for her.

When she leant forward and kissed him, he realised what he needed, and it certainly wasn't what he'd wanted, it was her. He needed her. She knew him better than he knew himself, that wasn't surprising for him really. He wondered if he still knew her the same way.

"What was that?" he asked, nearly sure of what her answer would be.

"Something I haven't done in a while" She took a deep breath and her

_**I do remember the swing in your step** _   
_**The life of the party, you’re showing off again** _   
_**I roll my eyes and then you pull me in** _   
_**I’m not much for dancing but for you I did** _

He swaggered back into the party, and showed off again, it wasn't the first time he'd ducked out and come back in, laughing at those around him. She was trying to ignore him as she always did at these social events.

It wasn't that they weren't friends, they had been friends for years, but he was so big-headed at events, so completely sure of himself, of his abilities, and that annoyed her when they were with so many people who fed his ego.

"Aren't you joining in?" She hadn't even noticed his approach, he normally brought more of his groupies along, or that was how she looked at them. Those who followed him all over.

"Why should I, all the eyes are on you?" She shrugged, her contribution to the programme already forgotten.

"You're a part of the team too, Commander. Come and join us." The laughter in his eyes, and the tone he used to say her rank spurned her into finally turning away from the bar. He pulled her to the centre of the dance floor, so many people were around them they just blended in to the crowds. "I knew I'd get you on a dance floor." He whispered against her ear.

"I hate you, Jonathan Archer."

"No you don't, Erika Hernandez." He smiled, and kissed her suddenly. She relaxed into it and held him, as they danced around the floor, he knew how to disarm her, even though she hated dancing, she'd do it for a few minutes alone with him.

_**Every memory comes on when I heard that old song** _   
_**That we used to sing with the words all wrong** _   
_**I remember the faces, and familiar places** _   
_**And I sing along but Acadia is gone** _

She hadn't heard the song in so many years. She wasn't sure why she had avoided it, because there were so many happy memories associated with it.

She remembered everyone sitting on the mountain, all commanders and lieutenants, just enjoying their friendships and relationships. Sitting around on the peak with a campfire laughing and singing the song, all getting the words wrong. Jonathan's arms wrapped around her as they joined in the laughter. Just the camaraderie of being Starfleet's best, spending time together before they were shipped off to their various postings.

They had climbed during the day, and just enjoyed being young in the evenings. They were some of her very best memories, and some days she just needed to remember those carefree days. The days before she felt like the weight of the Coalition on her shoulders. A burden she shared with her partner of all these years.

Even as she sang along she felt a touch of melancholy settle on her stomach, she resolved to send a message to some of those old friends, not just the two she spoke to every day. She missed those days, but the memories were just what she needed.

_**First comes heavy breathing** _   
_**Staring at the ceiling** _   
_**What will happen next** _   
_**I don't wanna know.** _

They had been going round in circles for as long as they'd known each other. They would start something up, then one of them would completely change their mind, and they'd fall back into being friends. They'd never slept together before, but it had been the next step, and it had been one of the best experiences of her life. They just kept getting the start of any possible relationship wrong. This time she was determined to do it right.

This was the last chance, they were both too old now to be acting like teenagers. That wasn't even counting their ranks and Starfleet experience. As had been said to them numerous times, they were made for each other. They knew what the other was thinking, she could pre-empt his orders quicker than anyone else, and they had gotten used to her doing it before he even asked.

As she laid beside him thinking, she felt his hand slip into hers, she rolled to face him and saw a similar look of dawning comprehension on his face. She smiled at him, wondering which of them would speak first. Just before she opened her mouth Jonathan smiled and began.

"We should really stop pretending that we aren't something, shouldn't we?" he asked, rolling more toward her, his hand on her side. She smiled and nodded, not sure she had the words for it. They didn't have to worry about anything, and as his lips claimed hers again, she moved closer to him, and she was glad that this time they seemed to be on the same page.

_**Can I be your friend, we'll forget the past** _   
_**But maybe I'm not able, and I break at the bend** _   
_**We're here and now will we ever be again** _   
_**Coz I have found all that shimmers in this world** _   
_**Is sure to fade away again** _

The morning dawned, and he knew that what they had done the night before was against regulations, but it still didn't feel wrong, and it wasn't the first time they'd relapsed since making the decision to end things. He looked at her as she started waking up and tried to fight the urge to kiss her, failing miserably. "We absolutely can't do that again." He said as he pulled away, watching her eyes darken a little as he did.

"Why not?" She demanded, and a few months earlier, that question asked with the face she was pulling would have been enough to convince him to change his mind. This time, their careers were in jeopardy if they continued.

"I'm your superior." He stood up and walked away from the bed, it was harder for her to convince him otherwise when he wasn't next to her, but even across the room he couldn't escape her gaze.

"I wasn't the one who started it." She defended, and he had to accept that she was right. The night before she had said goodnight, and was halfway up the stairs before he had caught up with her. A combination of missing her and the drinks he'd had overriding his judgement.

"I know that, just-" he started, as she got out of the bed and put her finger on his lips, stopping him from saying anything else.

"Jon. We can't help how we feel, and you leave on _Enterprise_ soon anyway, and I'll be back on _Republic_."

"Erika, I-" He tried, but once again she stopped him.

"I know. We can't just turn off our feelings, we were together for 4 years. Maybe we should just try not being alone together?" He nodded, knowing she was probably saying the only real thing that would stop them falling in to bed again. He couldn't resist just one last kiss before one of the greatest things of this life was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order:
> 
> By Now - Marianas Trench  
> Last Kiss - Taylor Swift  
> Acadia - Marianas Trench  
> I Don't Wanna Know - New Found Glory  
> Shimmer - Fuel


	12. Chapter 12

_**As I looked up into those eyes** _   
_**His vision borrows mine** _   
_**And I know he's no stranger** _   
_**For I feel I've held him for all of time** _

She looked up again as they stood quietly, watching the procession in front of them. Unification day was always a great celebration, and held special memories for them both, they stood together in their uniforms she felt like they were completely new separate people again.

Until his eyes caught hers, and she knew in that minute they were the people they'd always been. The same man she felt she'd known all her life. The man who held her heart in his hands and so far hadn't given her a reason to take it. She smiled again and went back to watching the ceremony, even as she felt his hand on her back.

Tomorrow they'd be back on separate ships, patrolling separate shipping lanes. For now she'd enjoy the moments she could spend with him.

_**An empty room, I'm empty too** _   
_**And everything reminds me of you** _   
_**There's so many things I shouldn't have missed** _   
_**The more that I push the more you resist** _

He felt the emptiest he ever had, clearing out her apartment on Earth. Her mother and brother had both said they'd do it, but he felt he needed to be the one to pack Erika's life into storage. He had promised her once if that ever happened he'd be the one to store everything away. She didn't want her family to have to go through the pain.

He had pushed her to change that decision, knowing that any parent would want to be the one to say goodbye to their child that way. Erika knew her mother better than Jonathan did. The silent thing he had tried to tell her was that he wasn't certain he could do it either. In the last 3 years he had remembered why he had first fallen in love with her.

He packed away everything he could find, but now the room was empty, bare, and not at all how he wanted to remember Erika's apartment. It had been the scene of some of their best memories, and some of their most explosive arguments. He remembered them screaming at each other about something. Probably a decision at work. She had always been professional at the project, and would do whatever he ordered. When they got back she'd speak her mind, and it would generally end to them falling onto the bed. That had been their way of life for as long as he could remember. They'd been together for 4 years before he'd taken command of _Enterprise_. Known each other for more than double that time. Today he would have known her for almost 19 years. When he'd first met her she'd been 24, a Lieutenant, and a transfer from the _Lovell._ Joining his team as his comm specialist. After her promotion to Commander a little over 4 years later, he had started spending more private time with her, expanding their friendship, a decision that had led to their relationship beginning.

It was a decision he had never regretted. Sometimes he had regretted taking the captaincy of _Enterprise_ and leaving her on Earth, and behind him. It felt like the minute she was captain again they had started things up again. Another decision he didn't regret. He regretted the last 3 years. The time he hadn't been able to dedicate to trying to find her. He felt guilty, because he knew that she would have searched for him.

He took one last look around the empty apartment, not sure what else he could do to find her. He didn't just want to give up on her. But Starfleet had declared _Columbia_ lost. The announcement had been the most painful one he'd ever experienced. He found himself missing Erika more every day she was missing, and he always would.

_**Apologies I'm not myself but I can guarantee** _   
_**That when I get back, you won't believe that you knew me well** _   
_**Don't wanna think about it, I'm fucking tired of getting sick about it** _   
_**Now stand up back up and be a man about it and fight for something** _

She shouldn't have to explain to him why she had changed so much. He had been the one who had told her that deep space changed you. She hadn't believed him, she'd thought that it was the decisions he'd been forced to make that had changed him.

She didn't want to think about it though, and she knew it was worth fighting for what she had with Jonathan, even if it was always second to their duty. It was clear that he wanted to fight as well, the fact he had stood up to her, and one of the fiercest professional battles of their careers had been fought with him winning. She had to admit, she was being rash.

She was tired of feeling tired. She was tired of feeling sick about the decisions she'd made. Maybe that was why she wanted help, and she had learnt to ask for it. Because Jonathan would be there to help her. Any way he could.

_**And I know this isn't enough** _   
_**I still don't measure up** _   
_**And I'm not prepared** _   
_**Sorry is never there when you need it** _

He dropped his bag to her floor. She had given him the silent treatment the entire way back to her apartment, but unlike so many time before, she had allowed him to follow her. As he stood looking at her, and could see that she was still visibly shaking with anger. Another flight where he had given orders she had disagreed with, but like a good officer, she'd followed them. Now he had to deal with the fallout at home. "I don't know what to say?" He admitted, a few minutes later. Hoping that would bring her out.

"How about 'no'. How about 'sorry for being a dick'."

"Erika I didn-" she cut him off, pacing round the room with her arms above her head, he knew when was best to be quiet. After 6 years of seeing her disagree with people, see her argue with people whom she had a disagreement with, he knew that sometimes it was in his best interests to let her rant and rave. Let her get everything off her chest. Otherwise it always worked out worse. He argued himself hoarse long before she would give up.

"You didn't care. I already know that much! I've known you for more than 6 years Archer, I know how you think!" Her voice dropped to an almost deadly tone, and he cringed. That was far more terrifying a sound than anything else he had ever experienced. The growl behind her words reminded him why she was such a good officer. She stood up for what she believed.

"I am sorry! I'm sorry I put you in that position, again, I'm sorry that my orders aren't always headed by the pilot, I'm sorry that I don't do enough to make whatever we do work!" He stopped and looked at her, noticing the pain in her face. She had a legitimate reason to be angry with him, and instead he was using the time when he should really be apologising to her by making it seem like she was the guilty party. He took a deep breath, and took hold of one of her hands. "Look. I really am sorry. I'm not very good at this whole-" he stopped a minute while he thought of what to call her, she didn't give him a chance to finish his sentence, instead she took the sides of his face and kissed him in the slow, calming way she had. He had no idea how she always knew exactly how to calm him. He smiled, and could tell by the look in her eyes she forgave him.

_**I'm afraid one touch** _   
_**Coz my hands are so rough** _   
_**Might bruise your skin** _   
_**Yet you still pull me in** _

Every relationship had its sticking points, but sometimes, Jonathan Archer had to remind himself that she wouldn't break.

Not because she wasn't a strong person. She was one of the strongest, sassiest, most attractive women he had ever encountered, her appearance just caused people to underestimate her. It always had, as long as he'd known her.

She didn't care about how he felt when she pulled him roughly to her, and he shook his head. Maybe he was sometimes hesitant, but Erika didn't care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order: ((This apparently came at the beginning of my Marianas Trench obsession))
> 
> Ordinary Day - Vanessa Carlton  
> Fallout - Marianas Trench  
> Ever After - Marianas Trench  
> Good To You - Marianas Trench  
> Like It's The Last Time - What's Eating Gilbert


	13. Chapter 13

_**You're more than just mad this time** _   
_**You've got that look in your eye** _   
_**Nobody told me you were** _   
_**A sucker for a kiss** _   
_**Music low, we're all alone** _   
_**Being wrong never felt so right** _

He had already lost track of what she was ranting about. He had just started watching her walking around the hanger. It wasn't often that he let a colleague speak her mind as clearly as he always let her. He enjoyed watching her when she got into full flow about an issue. The fact they were the two highest ranked officers on this part of the project always meant he was open to hearing her problems.

Right now, they were the only ones still in this section of the complex. The hangar was dark around them, and her voice was reverberating around them, and instead of trying to stop her any other way, he just tugged her arm and gave her a gentle kiss. Seeing if that would shock her enough into stopping.

He got his wish, she looked at him as confused as if he'd slapped her. He just smiled and shook his head as he watched the blush begin to climb up her cheeks. "Nobody told me..." he laughed, and she looked like she might stab him, or kiss him again. He could never tell with her. Never ever tell.

_**It hurts me to say that** _   
_**It hurts me to stay** _   
_**And you might be alright if you'd go** _   
_**It hurts me to say that** _   
_**I want you to stay** _   
_**But you might be alright if you go** _

She wanted him to stay right there. In her quarters, telling her everything she did wrong about the mission, because at least he was nearby, at least he could tell her what she needed to hear. He could tell her that she knew the right course to take.

But she couldn't let him stay. She needed to figure it out for herself. That was her mark, and she already had, but figuring and accepting weren't always the same. It was actually painful to have him there, but she was worried it would be even more painful for her to ask him to leave.

Instead, she sat on the bed, and as she stared out of the viewport, she heard Jonathan stop pacing, and felt his eyes on her. She had no idea how long he just sat watching her. She didn't make a move, she didn't know what she wanted.

It hurt that he was there, but it hurt more that she both wanted him to leave and wanted him to stay. He seemed to know her mind, just as he always had, he eventually just climbed on the bed behind her, and held her. Listening to her talk without passing judgement.

_**Like a river flows surely to the sea** _   
_**Darling so it goes** _   
_**Some things are meant to be** _   
_**Take my hand, take my whole life too** _   
_**For I can't help falling in love with you** _

She had tried. Over and over. She had tried not to fall in love with him. They had both fought it, with a few relapses where they had fallen in with one another. Now there was no point denying it, not when he had kissed her in such a public arena.

He looked as surprised as she was, but he recovered far quicker than she did, taking her hand and pulling her out of the door and away from the prying eyes. She already knew they cared for each other, that they even loved each other, and it didn't seem like they'd ever really had a choice in it, she couldn't help falling in love with him. He just matched her.

There were things she never had to say to him, he just knew. That was why they had been such a great team for the NX project. Why they had never failed a flight in the time they'd been working as the B team. Now they were both on the A team, and they were continuing the tradition. It didn't surprise her that it would pass over to their private lives too. Maybe this was just the way it was meant to be.

_**You're still the one I run to** _   
_**The one that I belong to** _   
_**You're still the one I want for life** _   
_**You're still the one that I love** _   
_**The only one I dream of** _   
_**You're still the one I kiss good night** _

Years passed, decades, almost a century, but he didn't care. She was still there, inside of him, smiling down on him from wherever she was now. Waiting for him to rejoin her.

There had never been anyone else. Since he was 37 years old and had kissed her for the first time.  Her disappearance hadn't changed anything about the way he felt about her. She had been there for him, and she had searched for him, and he had continued the search for _Columbia_. He knew that Erika wouldn't have just given up.

She would have tried to get her crew home to their families. She would have come home to him. He knew that. Something had stopped her doing that, he might find out one day. He just hoped that something existed after death, so he would see her again.

_**Maybe if you turn around and prove to me it's real** _   
_**Baby we could work it out coz this is how I feel** _   
_**Do you know when you go and you give it all away** _   
_**I'd be there for you, care for you, love you everyday** _

There was only so much he could take. Especially when she was asking ridiculous things. But he knew that she would be happy no matter what. Sometimes he felt that they weren't on the same page, even when they were sat in the same room talking about what they wanted.

Right here and now was not the place for him to be having a worry about their personal feelings, but it was hard to separate Erika's personal and professional personalities. Especially when he knew she was right. Only one ship could get through the lines there, and _Columbia_ was far less necessary to the war effort than _Enterprise_ or the _Kumari_. Shran was nodding his agreement to Erika's plan, while Jonathan turned back to her, studying her face.

"You know this is an almost certain suicide mission?"

"So was your mission to the Expanse. Jon. You did your duty to Earth, let me do mine. Enterprise and Kumari need to stay here to build the front line." She was determined, he could see that in her face. He knew Shran was still moving about the room, but he kept his eyes glued on Erika's, hoping his gaze would detract her, even a little.

"She's right, pinkskin." He looked back to Shran, who held up a hand and turned to the door of the galley, giving the two Human's a shred of privacy. While he knew that Erika was right, but what she was asking was almost too painful for him to think about.

"Erika."

"It's my choice, Jonathan." She sighed, taking a step closer to him. He just shook his head, with those lines he knew she was going whatever he said to her, and that he would just have to think about her, and hope she knew what she was getting herself into.

"Try and come home."

"I intend to bring _Columbia_ back. I didn't work this hard to become a Captain to blow my ship up in less than 18-months." She laughed, placing her hand on his cheek.  "Stop worrying."

"I can't, someone has to worry about you." He smiled as she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him gently. He frowned, and he knew that she was going to be in the most danger of them all, but the mission was vital, and _Columbia_ was the only starship who could do it. As Shran rejoined them and they planned, he stood just a little closer to Erika, knowing that soon, he could be without her for a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order:
> 
> Sucker (Tell Me About Your First Kiss) - New Found Glory  
> Lover Dearest - Marianas Trench  
> I Can't Help Falling In Love With You - Elvis Presley  
> You're Still The One - Shania Twain  
> If You Come To Me - Atomic Kitten


	14. Chapter 14

_**You stand in the line just to hit a new low** _   
_**You're faking a smile with the coffee to go** _   
_**You tell me your life's been way offline** _   
_**You're falling to pieces every time** _

He spotted her in the line of people waiting, and why she was in the line he had no idea. She was a Starfleet officer and as such had the option to jump to the front of the line, and he had seen many officers pass her.

"Erika, what are you doing?" He asked, sidling up to her and smiling at all those looking at them. He wondered if she'd even noticed that, even out of uniform, she had been on enough newsreels recently that her face was as well known as his, and they were both drawing a lot of attention.

"Trying to stay incognito." She whispered, nodding to the woman ahead of them.

"You're a Starfleet captain and people are staring already. Come on." Jonathan grinned and grabbed her arm, pulling her out of the line and starting towards the front.

"Jon... I..." She tried to protest, but he just kept pushing, wrapping his arms around her a little, glad for just one moment they were both on Earth at the same time.

"What are you having?" He asked her, pointedly, as they reached the counter. She shook her head, and tried to push him off, but his hand stayed on her hip, and she smiled at the implied intimacy of the position they were stood in.

"I didn't bring my ID."

"It's alright, it's on me. If you tell me what's going on with you?" He smiled as she grinned, and ordered her coffee. For one moment he knew, she'd tell him, but in private.

_**If you promise that you love me** _   
_**If you promise that you care** _   
_**I will be here for you always** _   
_**And forever this I swear** _

Her voice raised as he got progressively further away from her, the ledge they'd stopped on wasn't really that wide, but they were still on almost opposite sides. Their calming break away from Starfleet ending up being more stressful than staying home. "Do you even care?" She demanded, almost a challenge in her voice, and instead of fighting he shrugged a little and just spoke the truth. 

"Of course I fucking care, I wouldn't be out here on a mountain trying to please you at 3am if I didn't."

"You forget me easy enough when it suits you." She growled again, this time closer, he stopped moving and she'd come up behind him. Close enough to reach out, but still far enough away that they each had enough space.

"Dammit I never forget you, Erika. I think about you all day every day because I love you." he blurted the confession out, and was unsurprised to see the look of shock across her face as the words registered.

"Wait, what?"

"I love you, is this how you wanted me to say it?" this time he was the one shouting, but another look at her face convinced him that he needed to take a moment to let her process the information. She continued just looking at him, her mouth opening but no words coming out.

"You love me?"

"So much that when you're mad at me all I want to do is make it up to you, that when you're stressed and angry I just want to hold you and when I do something stupid at work I want to beg on my knees that you won't decide I'm not worth it and just walk away." He went for it, he'd already done the stupid thing of blurting out his feelings rather than waiting for a time, the perfect time, he could tell her.

"I could never walk away from you. I'm your always." she took three steps forward and he did the rest, pulling her into him and crushing her against his chest. Holding her as tightly as he could. He knew that what they had was special, because it was what he had always wanted.

"You're my always." He whispered against her hair a minute later, even as he continued holding her. Always. That was a long time.

_**And if you have a minute why don’t we go** _   
_**Talk about it somewhere only we know** _   
_**This could be the end of everything** _   
_**So why don’t we go somewhere only we know** _

"I can't believe you brought the cat." Jon exclaimed again as he watched her pull the cat out of his carrier. Since she'd gained the cat almost 2 years ago he'd laughed at her almost permanently. Saying that her dedication to him made his own love of Porthos look tame. She disagreed, of course, and it had become part of their routine.

"I decided, if you can have Porthos I could have Grumps." She defended again. Grumps making a figure of 8 around her ankles, begging to be picked up.

"He's a cat?" Jon laughed again. Stroking Grumps as Erika held onto him.

"Who likes being with me"

"We're in the middle of the Yorkshire Dales, you think that's the place for a cat?"

"He'll be fine, Jon. You're more worried about my cat than your dog right now. My cat is the one by my ankles"

"Dammit, Porthos!" Jon shouted, and as the dog bounded back towards the cottage she burst out laughing, watching as dog and owner reunited. "Why did we decide this was a good idea for a vacation?" he asked. Opening the door and putting the bag there so it stayed open.

"Because we always came here." She took his hand again, looking out over the countryside even as Grumps went and hid back inside.

_**There is no other way** _   
_**This girl is so all about me** _   
_**I'm sorry I can't help the way** _   
_**'Coz it's the things she does** _   
_**That make me sing about her** _

She wasn't entirely sure what she was hearing, other than her name being repeated in a singsong voice over and over from outside her window. She groaned, rolling over and wondering how many of her neighbours wanted to kill her by this point. Especially after the cat incident a week earlier.

As another stone hit her window she looked out, seeing Jonathan and two of the other flight controllers outside. Judging from the staggers, the laughter and the singing she was willing to bet they'd spent most of the night drinking, and she reminded herself to get Ruby to cut them off sooner.

"Look! There she is. I told you this would work." Jonathan said to the other controllers. Both of whom started clapping. Through the dark she thought they might have been Harry and Jack, but she couldn't tell for certain.

"Commander! Why don't you come and have a drink with us?"

"Go home you three."

"Nah-huh. Not until you come and talk to me!" Jonathan yelled again. Even as the other two patted him on the back and turned away, she outranked them though. Jonathan stayed stood in the street, and started singing again. She gave in and ran down the stairs. Dragging him up to her apartment and putting him on the sofa with a blanket. Anything to shut him up so her neighbours didn't call the cops on him.

The following morning she watched him wake up. A cup of coffee and some paracetamol in her hand already. She just looked at him as he came round. "How did I get here?"

"You decided that singing outside my window at 3am was a good idea. Because you love me, apparently."

"I do love you, but I apologise for the singing, and the 3am."

"I'm having Ruby cut you off earlier." She said, and Jon just wrapped his arms around her, his light brown eyes full of apology, and once again, she just couldn't stay mad at him. ** _  
_**

_**And I say** _   
_**Say your name** _   
_**When I fall** _   
_**I say** _

In his mind he could only play the last 9 months on a loop. Every decision he'd made, every choice. Everything that had played a part in making him who he was now. A man that many wouldn't recognised. His own mother wouldn't recognise. Maybe physically he looked the same, but in every other way, he was a completely different man.

How had she found him? How had she known he was worth the shot she was taking? How had she become so attuned to him that she saw through the changes to the man he used to be? She had somehow seen through ever defence he had built to stop him getting too close to someone again. Maybe their relationship from before had already pulled her in, but he wasn't sure.

She was there, ever present, and when he called her name she appeared out of the darkness. Even when he didn't want to see her, even when she reminded him of all the pain, all the people who had died on his orders. He had failed, by not bringing them all home. She knew his burden, and she shared it, halved it. Made it easier to digest. Somehow, she made him work again. Somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in Order:
> 
> Bad Day - Daniel Powter  
> Cradle - Atomic Kitten  
> Somewhere Only We Know - Keane  
> All About Her - New Found Glory  
> Eyesore - New Found Glory


	15. Chapter 15

_**If you believe it's in my soul** _   
_**I'd say all the words that I know** _   
_**Just to see if it would show** _   
_**That I'm trying to let you know** _   
_**That I'm better off on my own** _

She was everything he had once been. Naive, hopeful, sure of herself. So certain that everything she did was right, and that she was going to be in charge of something that helped everyone.

He wanted to try and convince her that she would be better off saying no. Staying on Earth. He didn't want to see her innocence and hope extinguished. She was the embodiment of everything he had been 3 years earlier.

He would keep trying, but if he failed, he failed. The truth was still that he was damaged, and he was better off out there with his ship alone. So nobody else lost themselves the way he had. Especially not her.

_**Just leave me here and tell me to my face** _   
_**What you think about, can we figure out** _   
_**What happened to our happy ending anyway** _   
_**How you feel about leaving me here** _   
_**With a lot more left to say** _

She walked away, again. It had been common throughout their relationships that when she had gotten too annoyed or angry with him she would just walk away. She'd cool off and return a couple of hours later. Rarely did his command decisions cause her to walk off.

The meeting room was full, most giving helpful hints to the two frontline leaders. Shran was adding names to the lists of ships that would be making up the battalions.

He had to give it to her, she had signed _Columbia_ up straight away, she was actually the third ship on the list. Right after Shran's _Kumari_ and _Enterprise_. But then she had been surprisingly silent. He slipped behind her, following her gave over not only her own ship, but all the others gathered around _Enterprise_.

"Remember when we were going to live in Hawaii and be instructors?" He asked, as quietly as he could, his hand on her shoulder. She just looked up at him, and he could see the weight of the war in her eyes.

"Remember when we weren't leading a battle fleet?" She sighed, then shook her head. He squeezed, and smiled as she nodded slowly. Taking a deep breath. "I sometimes feel that this is all in vain. There will always be another war to fight."

"I'll always be here to fight it beside you." He confirmed, and in that moment there was an understanding between them. They would still get their ending, it just might not be the happy ending they had always imagined.

_**And I’ve lost who I am and I can’t understand** _   
_**Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love** _   
_**Without love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on** _   
_**But I know, all I know, that the end’s beginning** _   
_**Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart** _   
_**Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent** _

He needed to get away, that was what he knew. Get away from her into the night. He didn't even want to think about it. He wanted to shout about the unfairness of the universe until his voice was hoarse and he could no longer move. He wanted to push away from the thoughts of his past transgressions and sins, but she wasn't allowing him.

Love had never been the problem between them. There'd actually never been a problem, besides work. Even now he was pushing her away, the one time he wanted to be pulling her to him. The one time he wanted to prove that he could love someone, and could be loved, he wasn't allowing the person he'd always wanted to show him that she still cared. He couldn't help but think that the end was beginning.

The person he had been wasn't the person he was now, he actually didn't really remember the person he had been all those years ago. He just knew that wasn't who he was now, and how she was seeing through him was the most confusing thing of all.

_**All this time spent in vain, wasted years wasted gain** _   
_**All is lost, hope remains, and this war's not over** _   
_**There's a light, there's a sun, taking all shattered ones** _   
_**To the place we belong and his love will conquer all** _

"Target their weapons and fire." She shouted, the sounds of the damaged ship ringing in her ears. How many times, recently, had she heard these same noises.

"Weapons are offline!" Kiona Thayer shouted back to her, and Erika slammed her hand against the armrest. She shook her head as she quickly calculated the best move to make.

"Then spin us around, aft plating is still at 70%." She called to the helm, hoping that this wasn't all a futile attempt to prolong the inevitable. She knew she'd probably be floating with spacedust before the end of this battle.

"Captain, there's another ship coming in. It's _Enterprise_." She propelled herself out of the command chair to the science station, and knew instantly that it was Jon and his ship, and hope started flowing again. The war wouldn't be over, but she could still hope.

"Hail them! _Columbia_ to _Enterprise_ "

"We thought you might need a hand."

"Can you target the starboard vessel?"

"Of course, take care of yourselves now _Columbia_. We got this." She laughed at the confidence in Jon's voice, she really hoped that he was right, because _Columbia_ couldn't take much more.

_**She's down in it** _   
_**She's tried her best but now she can't win** _   
_**It's hard to see them on the ground** _   
_**Her diamonds falling down** _

He watched her picking the papers up as she ducked behind the prototype again. This accident wasn't her fault, but he knew her well enough to know what was happening in her mind. Instead of saying anything he just gathered everything up with her, and then pulled her into his chest. Wrapping his arms around her.

He felt her body shake as the sobs began. He was glad they were hidden by the ship from anyone else, not just because it would be inappropriate for them to be stood like this at work, but also because he didn't think she'd appreciate anyone else knowing how much this had shook  her.

She started to take long shuddering breaths, and as she did he felt her taking control again. He kissed her temple and then wiped under her eyes as he pulled away, taking the papers from her and letting her wipe her own face. When she took the papers back he knew she was back in complete control again, and that was that. He always felt himself proud when she let him see her at her most emotional, and it reminded him that when they went home they weren't officers any longer. Sometimes they needed to drop that formality at work. Today had been one of those days, and he knew it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order
> 
> Pieces - Sum 41  
> Sucker (Tell Me About Your Kiss) - New Found Glory  
> Shattered - Trading Yesterday (x2)  
> Her Diamonds - Rob Thomas


	16. Chapter 16

_**She lived like she knew nothing lasts** _   
_**Didn't care to look like anyone else** _   
_**And she was beautiful, so beautiful** _   
_**I still hear her laugh, like she's here** _

He still remembered her laugh, even after all these years. It was the sound he most remembered. Whether it was the laugh when she was with a group of people, her vivacious personality shining through the seriousness of her career choice, or the chuckle he heard when he'd tickle her. He remembered it. It made it seem like she was still beside him someone.

She knew that Starfleet would separate them. He'd always tried to live in denial, hoping that they would be together once the war was over, but she had always known, and had made every moment matter.

Today was 10 years to the day since they'd last spoken. He wondered if she'd still look the way he'd always known her, or would her age finally be starting to show. It never had before, she'd always looked so young, so beautiful. Forever 25 in his memory. Her eyes always inviting him to talk about whatever he needed.

He missed her, and eventually he might see her again, because as a Starfleet captain, he knew she'd be trying to get her ship home.

_**I put my trust in you** _   
_**Pushed as far as I can go** _   
_**For all this there's only one** _   
_**Thing you should know** _

He knew. Out of everything in this universe he knew that he was right to put everything on her, she was exactly what she appeared to be, and that made everything fall into place.

He was being pushed from every direction, but he knew that she would stand firm, and there was only one thing he needed to tell her to thank her for everything that she did for him. He never needed to say the words. Somehow she already knew. Better than he knew himself.

_**In the heat of summer sunshine** _   
_**I'll miss you like nobody else** _   
_**In the heat of summer sunshine** _   
_**I’ll kiss you and nobody needs to know** _

The sun shone and his newly invigorated personality just watched her. Every moment he wanted to pull her to his side and show her everything that she had brought him back from. There had been a chasm where he hadn't been sure exactly what was happening, where he wasn't certain that he was the right person to still be out there.

Then she had come and shown him that she had missed him, that she loved him still, and that history was best left in the past, and that where the Xindi mission and the Expanse were now. Right now he was there, stood on a mountain with her in the sunshine, and they had made the decision that what they had once had was worth working on. It was worth them doing everything they possibly could to keep this going. He kissed her again, knowing that nobody else needed to know. It was the two of them and that was exactly how he liked it.

_**I don't mind spending every day** _   
_**Out on your corner in the pouring rain** _   
_**Look for the girl with the broken smile** _   
_**Ask her if she wants to stay a while** _   
_**And she will be loved** _

They just stood there, on opposite sides of the room, trying not to do something that they'd regret, again. Like the last two times they'd been together alone. Did they regret them though? He didn't, and he guessed that she didn't really either. Why would she be here otherwise. "I don't care what you ask me to do, Erika, I'll do it."

"I don't want to have to ask you, Jon!" She shouted, and he knew what the problem was. They'd done everything they could not to make a scene at work they'd practically ignored each other, all the while he'd just wanted to hold her, wrap his arms around her and tell her that he wanted her every day. That he couldn't imagine living without her. He couldn't imagine going a day without speaking to her, but sometimes the games played were too much.

"We've known each other long enough that this game is boring. I love you, you love me. What exactly is holding us back?" He asked, taking a few steps closer to her, at the same time as she walked forward too, until they stopped barely an arms' length from each other. Her dark eyes were inviting, as he had always seen them.

"You tell me" She snapped, and all of a sudden all he could do was wrap his arms around her and kiss her as hard as was humanly possible. He felt her hands fist themselves in his short hair as she kissed him back with the same level of intensity. Everything they had done before flooded back to him as she melted again into his.

_**I'm in over my head** _   
_**You got under my skin** _   
_**I've got no strength at all** _   
_**In this state that I'm in** _   
_**And my knees are weak** _   
_**And my mouth can't speak** _   
_**Fell too far this time** _

There was a point where she just lay there on the side of the street. She didn't have the energy to move. All because she'd tried to keep up with everyone else, even after a shift, and her being considerably older than the lieutenants.

So instead she stayed there, and she knew he'd be there in a moment, he hadn't left long after her.

"Erika can you stand up?" She just shook her head, and smiled as again he just picked her up, cradling her against him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and laughed a little as he kissed her cheek, and started carrying her toward her apartment. "You know, you should say and we'll leave earlier." He muttered into her hair as he paused at one of the benches, sitting her down.

"I'm sorry" She whispered, her voice coming back, and some of the use of her body returning. Instead of saying anything, he just kissed her and nodded. Pulling her to her feet and wrapping his arms around her, helping her the last few yards home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order: 
> 
> Angel - The Corrs  
> In The End - Linkin Park  
> Summer Sunshine - The Corrs  
> She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5  
> Too Lost In You - Sugababes


	17. Chapter 17

_**I swear that I can go on forever again** _   
_**Please let me know that my one bad day will end** _   
_**I will go down as your lover, your friend** _   
_**Give me your lips, and with one kiss we begin** _

The records would probably never show anything about what they were. He knew that. Who knew the truth about the relationships of history, especially those that were never joined in marriage, but some days he still worried about what future generations would think of them. Especially during a bad day, when he felt like his entire world was collapsing around him.

Then, he could get her on the comm, and she'd remind him that the day would end, and a new one would begin. Or, if they were close enough, he'd have a debriefing with her, and she could give him a reminder of why they worked together. They had never let their relationship interfere with their jobs, but when alone, she would give him a kiss and tell him that she loved him before they talked about the day.

For the last 15 years, she had held a special place in his heart. First she was his best friend, the one he would call to get drunk with after a bad day at work. Slowly they had grown to be far more than that, they had grown to be lovers, they had shared everything. He had planned to marry her, and had they followed through with that plan the first time, their careers may have been decidedly different. This time, they would have their careers behind them.

Now, he had to focus on the war, and on putting them both in danger every day. That was the nature of being a Starfleet captain. They had both accepted that, and they wouldn't change it. He just hoped that they would always make it home to one another.

 **** _When we live such fragile lives_  
It’s the best way we survive  
I go around a time or two  
Just to waste my time with you

She looked sideways at him as he wrapped himself around her, his chin resting on her shoulder. "There is no way I'm doing that!" She exclaimed, the vertical walls of ice a little more than she had thought of trying.

"Come on, Erika. Ice climbing-" He whispered against her ear, and she found herself briefly forgetting what she was arguing against. Until she mentally shook herself. Determined that he wouldn't put her off, as he so often had through their relationship.

"I like climbing where it's warm." She mentioned, and he just clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth.

"We can make the nights warm. Shran says he knows the best places to rest. It could be a nice break." He spoke into her ear again, kissing her neck, and she regretted changing when she'd gotten back to her quarters. She was once again about to agree before she realised what he was doing again.

"You're using your powers of evil against me!"

"Are they working?" He chuckled, holding her tighter, and she knew, instantly, that they had. She wouldn't say no, even though she wondered if either of them would ever make it there. Their lives were always on the line, so maybe agreeing wasn't the worst thing she could do.

"Fine, fine. You get the time off." She finally agreed, turning her head to smile at him. Allowing him to pull her into his arms in the way he always had.

"Have I mentioned I love you?"

"Several times." She laughed, and returned his kiss with as much as she could give him, but they couldn't stay that way all day, however much she wished they could. Their 'briefing' excuse wouldn't hold for much longer, if it ever did any more. She was certain that both crews knew exactly what was going on between their captains, not that any of them would ever say it aloud. She pulled back a little and ran her hand along his cheek. "Aren't you due back on your ship?"

"Call me tonight?" He muttered as they broke apart. Clearly as disappointed as she was that the moment had to come to an end.

"Don't I always?" She laughed as he bounded out the door. She looked again at the pictures he'd shown her, and couldn't help but feel that maybe, just maybe, she had finally bitten off more than she could chew, but it would be time she spent with him, and that would make it worthwhile.

_**First comes heavy breathing** _   
_**Staring at the ceiling** _   
_**What will happen next** _   
_**I don’t wanna know** _

"Well. This was to be expected." He joked, and she laid back against his arm, catching her breath again. The narrow bunk making it a challenge for both of them to fit on it.

"Why do we even pretend we're not together Jon?" She asked the question that had been playing on her mind for months. She had wanted to know his thoughts, they tried to be as official as they could be in public, often standing a little too close together. Talking together maybe a little too much. But they had never come out and told anyone that they were sleeping together, and had been for months.

"What do you mean?"

"Ever since we went climbing." She took a deep breath and moved just a little closer to him, feeling his arms wrap around her. He just looked down at her until she thought through exactly what she wanted to say. "Since then, whenever we've been alone together, this has happened. Rank isn't a problem anymore, and there are no rules in the book to say we can't be together, we don't serve on the same ship." She stopped again and lost herself in his eyes again for a few moments, memorising them again. The eyes that didn't seem to have changed all that much from the first time she had stared in them. They had added layers, but she still saw the man she fell in love with beneath them all. "We don't need to hide how we feel about each other anymore."

"Erika-" He sighed and kissed her lightly. "I didn't think I needed to tell you that you had me. That you've had me for almost a decade." His eyes lit up as he watched her, and she felt as if he saw through her every insecurity, just as he always had. "There is no pretending we're not together, because even when we weren't together, we were. I never forgot you. Not even for a second." She pressed herself into him and kissed him again. Knowing in that instance that all was right.

_**And I know the fear and the cost** _   
_**Of a paradise lost in frustration** _   
_**And the flame still burns** _   
_**It's there in my soul forever I know** _

He already knew the cost of not acting on something that he wanted more than anything, and he would always tell his friends that if they were offered the love they deserved they should take it. Twenty years hadn't changed his mind about her, for the last 35 years he had eyes for no other. Casual flings, but never had anyone touched his heart. Because she lived there.

The other occupant of the room had been the only one to see Jon's total emotional collapse. Outside of his quarters he was the Captain, he was ever present and professional. But he distanced himself. Now he was running for president, and he knew that she'd be proud of him, and he was being asked to be best man for the one man who had stood beside him when she disappeared. He couldn't say no.

As if sensing his thoughts, Trip handed him a photograph that he'd come in carrying. The photograph was of Erika, on the day of their commitment ceremony. All those years earlier, when the closest a captain could come to marriage in the fleet was commitment. Was an honest pledge that one day, you would marry. Erika's smile was lighting up all those around her, while her friends were stood around the two of them. Jon remembered the day, he hadn't been able to take his eyes off her. Not even for a moment.

"You still love her, don't you?" The words seemed to come from a long distance away as they pulled him back to the present day. The day he marked 20 years since he'd last spoken to Erika, since she'd told him that he'd best not think of liberating Deneva without her. The pain of the memory of that last conversation. The last time she had told him she loved him. The last time they had promised something. A promise they could never keep.

He looked up at his best friend, tired and angry, knowing that she was still out there somewhere, but not able to contact him, not able to tell him she was OK. The simple fact was that he did still love her, and he always would. She was the light inside of him, and that light was what kept him going, through every day. It was his last hope, and hers was the last face he saw. "Every day, Trip. Always."

_**I watch you spin around in your highest heels** _   
_**You are the best one, of the best ones** _   
_**We all look like we feel** _   
_**You have stolen my, you have stolen my** _   
_**You have stolen my heart** _

"Smile!" Was shouted again, and all he could do was stand and watch her. The Coalition party was exactly what they'd all needed, and they crews of both NX class ships had been invited as guest of honour. Like many, he and Erika had been in uniform for the formal part of the night, and had then changed into civilian clothes for the party. Watching one of the captains dance in the middle of the floor with many of the others reminded him why he loved her.

Always, that was how long she had had this effect on him. Since the moment they met when they were both were lieutenants and he'd always watched her from afar. Out of all the amazing people he had ever met, she was still special to him. He watched as she walked over to him, everyone giving them the distance they needed for a moment.

"Dance with me?" She asked, her voice almost lost in the music and laughter. He was about to protest until he saw her eyes. She knew as well as he did that in a few days they would be going out patrolling the routes around Earth controlled space, and she wanted just another moment alone with him, just another moment where they could be themselves, two people who loved each other, before they went back to the realities of their jobs.

So he followed her on to the floor, and wrapped his arms around her, whispering silly jokes in her ear to make her laugh and accepting the truth all over again. She had stolen his heart away from him, but the better part was that he didn't want it back. She could keep it for eternity, and it wouldn't be long enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song in order
> 
> I'm Lost Without You - Blink 182  
> Dirty Little Song - All American Rejects  
> I Don't Wanna Know - New Found Glory  
> The Flame Still Burns - Foreigner  
> Stolen - Dashboard Confessional


	18. Chapter 18

_**To win just once would be enough** _   
_**For those who've lost in life or love** _   
_**For those who've lost their guile and nerve** _   
_**Their innocence and their drive and verve** _

"I'm sorry Erika"

"Don't apologise Jonathan." She took a deep breath, and looked at him, he had been trying to prepare her for this possibility ever since her promotion. The fact it had been almost a year out before she lost her first crewman was nothing short of a miracle. She had given the eulogy, and remembered something that Jonathan had said, about how she'd feel differently after delivering a eulogy. He'd been right. Suddenly, it didn't seem same out here. He had answered her call after only a second, and he'd already known what was bothering her. She looked at him again and shrugged. "You were right all along."

"It doesn't mean I'm not sorry." He replied through the screen, a sympathetic smile crossing the parsecs that separated them. She missed him, more than she thought she would. "We should be meeting up on our return journey tomorrow. Dinner?"

"My place or yours?" She sniffed, taking a deep breath and calming her nerves as he watched her. Letting her get her emotions under control before he replied again. Instead she just watched him, and let him talk for a few minutes. The lack of focus giving her longer to adjust. It was what she needed.

_**There were rapid statements** _   
_**About life commitments** _   
_**A sense of heat that I couldn’t bear to touch** _   
_**It’s not your fault so please stop your crying now** _

"What are you talking about?" She almost laughed as he pulled her into the church, they were active duty officers, and that made this far easier. He held his arms out, and she saw that some of their mutual friends were already gathered there.

"6 months ago I proposed, while we're both active ship commanders we can't have a wedding, but we can have a commitment ceremony." He was excited, and he didn't want to hide it from her. He could see the doubt and the amusement playing behind her eyes. He hoped that one would outweigh the other.

"You just want to be able to call me your wife when we're off duty."

"Damn right I do. Father Lawrence has already agreed to perform it."

"Jon. Remember the first time." Her eyes filled, and he did remember, he remembered that they'd been planning a similar ceremony, and then he'd been given _Enterprise_ , and she had told him to take the ship.

"Rike, it's not your fault that we messed up first time, it never was." He wiped the tears from under her eyes and kissed her gently. "I want to marry you. Today. I want to prove to the universe that we're ready to make it through this, and then we can have the legal ceremony."

"I don't-" She started, and he shook his head, stopping her/

"Erika, marry me?" He pushed again, holding her hands and looking straight in her eyes. He wanted nothing more than for her to agree to do this with him.

After a lengthy pause, she nodded, and whispered her answer "OK."

_**Looking back on where we first met** _   
_**I cannot escape and I cannot forget** _   
_**Baby you’re the one, you still turn me on** _   
_**You can make me whole again** _

"It was always you." He muttered, his eyes avoiding hers as they stood in his cabin. The struts of the spacedock surrounding them making him feel claustrophobic as he looked out of the window. Anything to avoid the comforting gaze he didn't deserve.

"What?" She asked, and he wasn't even sure why he had suddenly thought about them, again. She was there to try and remind him of the duty he was bound by, but all he could think was how he had let her down.

"Every thought I had from the minute we met. I always included you. Professionally, personally. It was always you." He repeated again, hoping she knew what he meant

"Jon, we-" she took hold of his chin and made him look at her, and he still avoided her eyes as long as he could. She studied him for a few moments, before she let go of his chin and kept watching him, but this time he didn't avoid her.

"Don't give up on me? Help me get through this war, so that we all have a chance for more." He would have begged her if needed, he reached for her hand, holding her as tightly as he could. He'd never liked asking for help, but he needed her.

"Always, Jon." She nodded, and he was sure he heard his own sigh of relief. She wasn't going to leave him, because he couldn't forget what she was.

_**The smell of you in every** _   
_**Single dream I dream** _   
_**I knew when we collided** _   
_**You’re the one I have decided** _   
_**Who’s one of my kind** _

He was in her very soul, and that much had been evident for as long as they had known one another. There had been an instant flash, something neither of them wanted to accept or even acknowledge, because they were too young, too career focused. She didn't even remember all of their excuses now. They were as meaningless as some of the old customs and traditions that Earth had shed 100 years earlier. Back then, they had cast them aside after a time, for the greater good of them both, and they had planned to spend their lives together, but life had a way of changing your decisions, and she had learnt that the hard way.

They were of a kind, she and Jonathan. They were work focused, and driven by a desire to help Humanity leave the mistakes of the past behind them and journey outwards into a new kind of future. One built upon the thirst and desire for knowledge and friendship that transcended the hate and fear that was sometimes so prevalent in their society. She hadn't met many others who were so pure in their desire to make the world a better place, and it was part of that reason that she had found herself drawn to him in every way possible.

Even now, 15 years after they first met, she still loved him, and she still wanted to be with him every step of the way into this new frontier. He had suffered, terribly, in the course of doing his duty to their planet and their society, and she would help him in any way she could, even if that meant walking away from him, and returning to being his colleague, his fellow captain, nothing more or less.

That decision would cause them both more pain than she could even begin to imagine. She could cope with being second, even third fiddle. Starfleet and the ships came first, but surely if they had a chance at happiness they should reach for it. She knew that he felt the same for her, every whispered confession replayed itself in her mind when she was quiet. In every dream she had she heard his words, and could smell his scent in the air all around her. Every time she woke alone his words would filter through to her, his words of hope and love, the words that kept her going when she was tired. 

They were one and the same, him and her, and between them they would figure it out. She knew that. But in this moment she would enjoy the fact that, for one more night, she could wake up in his arms. Spend one more night under the stars, listening to his stories of the universe beyond their solar system. They had every right to enter into any relationship they wanted. Every moment she spent laid there with him would make it harder for her to leave. 

Because tomorrow, the hard work would begin.

__**You’re a bitch but I love you anyway  
** __**You can’t sing but you’d still put me to sleep  
** _**You’re a bitch  
** _ __**You make me sick but don’t ever go away**

Her voice was enough to just piss him off. It didn’t matter what she said, because it had already happened. He had fallen for her, and she was completely unattainable.

Staying away from her wasn’t an option. They had to work too closely, and that made things even more difficult. How was he supposed to get over a woman he was never away from.

Maybe the point was that he didn’t really want her to go away. He wanted her closer.

He was screwed, wasn’t he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order
> 
> To Win Just Once - The Saw Doctors  
> It's Not Your Fault - New Found Glory  
> Whole Again - Atomic Kitten  
> Hey Soul Sister - Train  
> The Bitch Song - Bowling For Soup


	19. Chapter 19

_**Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet** _   
_**Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day** _   
_**And head back to the Milky Way** _   
_**And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?** _   
_**Was it everything you wanted to find?** _   
_**And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?** _

“Did you miss Earth while you were gone?” She lay curled up into his side, her hand lazily tracing circles on his chest, staring up at the stars and allowing her mind to wander to the places she longed to go, the places her companion had already been.

“My thoughts were never far from Earth,” he breathed heavily, sounding just as content as she was feeling, holding her tight against him.

“That wasn’t what I was asking.”

“I know.” He whispered into her hair as he placed a kiss on her hairline.

“Jon?” She asked, a little more seriously than she’d intended, but after his almost breakdown the other day she was worried when he dodged her questions.

“I missed some things about Earth, I didn’t really think about it.”

“Was it what you expected?” She lifted her chin just a little so she could see his eyes, she still saw the ghosts of his experiences hidden in the dark orbs, but in the last day or so the mischievous glint had returned, and she was reminded in that instance of the reasons she had fallen in love with him, and why that love had never died.

“The Expanse?” His discomfort was obvious, even in the dusk twilight, instead of a long explanation she just kissed him gently then settled, listening to his breathing while he formulated his answer.

“No, being in deep space.” After a few seconds he lifted her chin so their eyes met again.  

“It was everything we dreamt of and more.”

“You still remember that?” She chuckled, remembering their discussions from flight school, when she had completed her mandatory piloting training, he had made her least favourite part of Starfleet training better for her, and she was amazed that he remembered the youthful hopes they had expressed about everything they wanted.

“Erika, you were one of the only things that I did think about that wasn’t part of the mission.” He sat up a little so he was leaning over her a little.

“As you pointed out earlier, you broke it off last time, for good reasons.”

“And as you pointed out, those reasons no longer apply.” He replied huskily before leaning down and kissing her again, this time with everything he had and Erika found herself wrapping her arms around him, pulling him closer over her.

“Are you telling me that you’d be interested in getting back together?” She whispered when the opportunity presented itself.

“We can keep it between us.”

“I’m glad you’re home.” She smiled, her chuckle lost in her throat, all the emotions of the last few days coming to a head in her mind.

“I’m glad I’m home too.” He confirmed “Thank you for bringing me back.” He smiled before crushing himself to her. Rescuing him from himself was the best thing she had ever done, and she couldn’t imagine ever being without him, because she loved him, and she was glad that his trip hadn’t taken him away forever.

_**It's a thief in the night to come and grab you** _   
_**It can creep up inside you and consume you** _   
_**A disease of the mind, it can control you** _   
_**It's too close for comfort** _

No matter what, he wanted to forget about her. She was on his team, their ranks were irrelevant. She was still on his support team. He was the pilot, and his was his comm officer.

But that hadn’t stopped him when she had come up to his room upset, it hadn’t stopped him making the first move when she was crying in his living room, it hadn’t stopped him the next day, telling her that it would be alright, and they could just go on like normal, it hadn’t stopped him every night since.

He knew he was falling for her, she was too close to the real him, and that terrified him but at the same time he loved her more because she just accepted him. She was under his skin, and she didn’t know how to get her out. More, he wasn’t sure he wanted too.

_**Tomorrow comes, sorrow becomes his soul mate** _   
_**The damage is done, the prodigal son is too late** _   
_**All doors are closed but he’s always open** _   
_**To re-live time in his mind** _

There was a part of him missing. He had left it out in the depths of space, and he wasn’t sure if he could ever go out there again to get it back. Every day since the expanse he had been alone with his sorrow, anger and guilt. There was no room inside him for anything else.

What right did he have to be happy when he had led men to their deaths, when he had tortured a man, stranded others. Yet she was there, telling him that he mattered still. That he couldn’t let the past dictate what he was now, who he was going to be in the future.

She wanted to help him find what he had lost. Was that even possible when he didn’t know what he lost. Instead, he was content to live his questionable decisions again and again in his mind.

But as the hours passed, the days, the weeks… She didn’t let him. She brought him back from the brink every time.

_**Whenever you’re thinking that love's unkind** _   
_**Follow me, we’ll go walking in paradise** _   
_**Whenever you’re looking for peace of mind** _   
_**Baby we can make it happen** _   
_**Just close your eyes and I’ll be there** _

It wasn't often that he wondered if everything was worth it. Where he was ready to throw in the towel and give the damn war to the Romulans. He had learnt a long time ago what he should do in that moment. He would pull out a bottle of scotch and call Erika. More often than not she'd answer right away, any comm at this time of night tended to be routed straight through to her. The crew of the _Columbia_ had gotten used to their way.

Tonight though, they were due to dock, and he had already requested that Captain Hernandez join him for a private briefing. She would no doubt join him for the scotch, and remind him why they were fighting, what they had to protect. She would remind him that they were fighting so that other couples could live the life that being on Earth these days offered them. She would remind him that they had to put Earth and her allies first.

He tried to remember her words, laying on the bed picturing her face, knowing that when she was there he'd hear them, but still. He needed to tell himself there were reasons, and try and believe them. Just behind his eyes he could see her, and the next time he opened his eyes she was sat on the end of his bunk, stroking Porthos.

"I guess I don't need to ask?" She said, while pouring him a glass of the scotch he had left on the desk. He shook his head as she moved up the bed until she was sitting next to him, Porthos climbing after her. She looked at him, and her smile instantly calmed his conflicted mind.

_**Turn me inside out and upside down** _   
_**And try to see things my way** _   
_**Turn a new page, tear the old one out** _   
_**I'll try to see things your way** _

She wondered if he was even trying to see things from her point of view, because he seemed to be purposefully ignoring her arguments. She knew that they were both in an awkward position, but this actually mattered to more than just the two of them, this could affect two ships, and many others.

It was time they stopped arguing about the past and focused on what they needed now. They had turned their arguments upside down knowing that they needed to rely on each other more than they ever had before. So now she was accepting that he knew more in this situation than she did. She'd try and see things his way too. They were both so stubborn sometimes, now they had to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order
> 
> Drops of Jupiter - Train  
> Disturbia - Rihanna  
> Billy - James Blunt  
> Follow Me - Atomic Kitten  
> How We Operate - Gomez


	20. Chapter 20

_**I never did do anything that you asked** _   
_**I never let what happened stay in the past** _   
_**I never did quite understand what you meant** _   
_**In spite of everything, in spite of everything** _

He had so many confessions he'd never be able to tell her, and they were things he would always regret. He rarely, if ever, did the things she had asked. He always did things his way and would then just smile and convince her that he'd done it for the two of them. Which was rarely the truth. He just hadn't ever cared that she might have had the better idea.

Their past was regularly something that they had argued about, he held things against her and he shouldn't have. She had never been anything but supportive of him, and that had been part of his problem. She had put his career before their relationship once before, and he had worried if she would do that again. He had never understood that she really loved him, because sometimes he wondered how anyone could love him. But despite everything he had done, she still loved him, she still cared for him, and she still did her best for him. Now she was gone, he would have to live with the guilt he felt about never telling her the truth. That he loved her too.

_**I believe in you** _   
_**I can't even count the ways** _   
_**That I believe in you** _   
_**And all I want to do** _   
_**ls help you to believe in you** _

Whatever happened there were certain things she knew, she knew that Earth was stronger now than it ever had been before, she knew that Starfleet could survive without one ship and crew, and she knew that Jonathan would never give up on seeing her again.

He would probably eventually have to stop searching, to stop hoping, but she was certain that he wouldn't stop believing in her, and she would never stop believing in him, and having faith that somewhere in his mind she would still be there. All she wanted was for that to be true, and she thought she knew him well enough. For the last two years, both professionally and privately she had tried to build him up to believing in himself. She had complete faith, she had always had complete faith in him.

Which is how she knew that nothing would truly take her away from him, not even this slow voyage into the future, she would find her way back to him, somehow, she would. She would miss him every day until the day they were reunited.

_**Since you've gone** _   
_**I've been lost** _   
_**Without a trace** _   
_**Dream at night** _   
_**I can only see your face** _   
_**Look around, but** _   
_**It's you I can't replace** _

He saw her face, clearly, every line, every smile, every blemish and beauty mark. He knew everything, and that was all he could do, was see her face, because nobody knew where she was, where her crew was.

He knew what he'd do if he was in her situation, he would be trying to get home, or to get help. He knew that if he was stuck out there, alone, she was the person he'd want to find him. But Starfleet had given up its rescue mission, and had declared the Columbia MIA. Whether that status would ever change was yet to be seen, but right now they were just missing, gone, untraceable.

He would hope for her to return to him, because she was the woman he would never be able to replace, he would dream he was holding her, but he wouldn't be. Not for a long time. He loved her, and he always would, and now she was gone, he would have to learn how to do it alone.

_**When I got you right where I want you** _   
_**I've  been pushing for this for so long** _   
_**Kiss me, just once, for luck** _   
_**These are desperate measures now** _

He pulled her into him and kissed her as hard as he could, this one moment might change everything, again. He had always wanted her back, but he had ended things, and he hadn't been sure if she'd forgiven him for that, he had told her once, not long before his mission to the Expanse, that if things were different, he would have picked her over his career. She had reminded him that the decision had been mutual.

Now he just wanted her to kiss him again, and again. Since that first taste of her lips in 15 years he found himself addicted again, all over again. He wouldn't be able to let her go again, she was like the other half of him, and he needed to know that she was available for him, and it would break him if she left again. He would beg at her feet if needed. Now he knew that they had been right all along.

Now he had her where he wanted her, where he needed her. Right alongside him, and he knew that he would do absolutely anything to keep her there.

_**And she says "oooh I can't take no more"** _   
_**Her tears like diamonds on the floor** _   
_**And her diamonds bring me down** _   
_**Coz I can't help her now** _

"What are you doing here?" he asked, surprised to see her on his doorstep tonight.

"Can I come in?" she asked timidly, so he opened the door and let her pass him, completely taken aback by the mood that swept in with her. He had never associated her with negative emotions, 

"Do you want something, a drink?" he started somewhat lamely, still not really sure what he should do, as she stepped down into his living room.

"I don't want a drink!" She snapped, and he realised that this time he might struggle to diffuse her anger, this was the first time she'd arrived on his doorstep this angry. 

"You seem like you're mad about something"

"Mad?" She seethed, dropping her bag to the floor and glaring at him. He tried to look nonchalant under her gaze, but he knew better, and knew that she would know far more about his state of mind from this than he knew about hers. Suddenly she growled and gripped onto the back of the sofa. "We almost lost you today Jon!"

"I was fine." He tried to soothe her, but he could tell he failed miserably.

"You disobeyed direct orders!"

"Because I knew the engine could take more than what we were giving it." He started defensively.

"You're not an engineer Jon! You should have listened to your orders. What would you have done had you been wrong, and the capsule had broken up!" she stood behind the sofa, and he could see the tears glittering in her eyes, but he didn't feel the need  to apologise for his actions. "The next time you and AG get into a pissing match, leave me out of it!" She almost shouted, he held his hands up as if he defending himself.

"He was wrong!"

"And that's the most important thing, isn't it. He was wrong and you were right, and in the process of proving that you almost died. And I can't stop thinking about what would have happened. What it would have been like to not, I can't take this any-"  He cut her off as he pulled her into a tight embrace. It was everything he had needed, everything he had wanted with her for so long, and seeing her laying her emotions out in front of him had reminded him of all the good she did.

This was the only way he could help her. He kissed her harder, and felt her wrapping her hands into his hair. Her fear suddenly making complete sense to him. Her tears still sliding down her cheeks, even as he held her. It made complete sense, and he kicked himself a little for not realising it before. She felt the same as he did. But taking risks was his job. Even if this meant he came home to tears after every mission. She'd be worth it if he could reassure her. He couldn't give up, but he could be safer, that was the challenge now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order
> 
> Everytime I Look For You - Blink 182  
> I Believe in You - Amanda Marshall  
> Every Breath You Take - The Police  
> Desperate Measures - Marianas Trench  
> Her Diamonds - Rob Thomas


	21. Chapter 21

_**And the crowd, silent as a whisper** _   
_**Listen as she recites her sins** _   
_**And one by one, with different agenda’s** _   
_**They pull out their sympathy** _

They gathered around her, and she wasn't sure this was the right time or place for her to empty her soul, but she was sure that this was the only chance she would get. They weren't all there as Starfleet representatives, some were there as support, some where there just to listen.

How did she tell them what had happened without casting doubt on him, or on herself. It was impossible to know what was going on here without the person being there. Being at the site with them, reacting the way they had.

But she had to tell them, lay all of her sins out and let them be the judge. She spoke and watched as the sympathetic looks for both herself and her fellow Captain came to her, and one defiant gaze. That of the Captain, her lover and friend, who sat across from her having already giving his own testimony. She didn't break their eye contact, needing his strength to get through these moments. The others in the room could hold their own reasons, but as long as he knew she told the truth, and she knew she told the truth, she could continue.

_**If you promise that you love me** _   
_**If you promise that you care** _   
_**I will be here for you always** _   
_**And forever this I swear** _

Her voice raised as he got progressively further away from her, the ledge they'd stopped on wasn't really that wide, but they were still on almost opposite sides. Their calming break away from Starfleet ending up being more stressful than staying home. "Do you even care?" She demanded, almost a challenge in her voice, and instead of fighting he shrugged a little and just spoke the truth.

"Of course I fucking care, I wouldn't be out here on a mountain trying to please you at 3am if I didn't."

"You forget me easy enough when it suits you." She growled again, this time closer, he stopped moving and she'd come up behind him. Close enough to reach out, but still far enough away that they each had enough space.

"Dammit I never forget you, Erika. I think about you all day every day because I love you." he blurted the confession out, and was unsurprised to see the look of shock across her face as the words registered.

"Wait, what?"

"I love you, is this how you wanted me to say it?" this time he was the one shouting, but another look at her face convinced him that he needed to take a moment to let her process the information. She continued just looking at him, her mouth opening but no words coming out.

"You love me?"

"So much that when you're mad at me all I want to do is make it up to you, that when you're stressed and angry I just want to hold you and when I do something stupid at work I want to beg on my knees that you won't decide I'm not worth it and just walk away." He went for it, he'd already done the stupid thing of blurting out his feelings rather than waiting for a time, the perfect time, he could tell her.

"I could never walk away from you. I'm your always." she took three steps forward and he did the rest, pulling her into him and crushing her against his chest. Holding her as tightly as he could. He knew that what they had was special, because it was what he had always wanted.

"You're my always." He whispered against her hair a minute later, even as he continued holding her. Always. That was a long time.

_**Yeah everyone needs someone** _   
_**To help them find their way** _   
_**But sweet Virginia’s wrath** _   
_**Would stop any man in his path** _   
_**She’ll satisfy then cut to the bone** _

He needed someone to rescue him from himself. His confession of losing something had cut her to the bone, because he had always been the strongest man she'd ever known, he'd always been so sure of himself, so confident that his decisions were the right ones.

He'd also been the eternal optimist, he'd seen the best in every situation and every person they had ever met. Seeing him so down, so broken and unsure, it scared her, but it also reminded her of all the reasons she'd fallen in love with him in the first place.

She knew that really, this was his cry for help. He really needed her help, and her love. A love that even with the years they'd been separated had never ended for her, and his occasional messages had shown her that he still cared, he still loved her. So she could be the one to save him, and she'd be happy to do it.

_**I thought I saw a sign, somewhere between the lines** _   
_**Maybe it's me, maybe I only see what I want** _   
_**I still have your letter** _   
_**Just got caught between, someone I just invented** _   
_**Who I really am and who I've become** _

She sat in the quarters she'd been given, reading the words again and again. The things Jon had said at her memorial service. How he had paid tribute to her both personally and professionally. His words about how he had always envied her professionalism, her dedication, and how he had loved her for her spirit. The words cut her again and again, and the guilt she felt hit her again. What if she had made different decisions.

"I thought you'd like to see it." Ezri said, gently wrapping an arm around Erika's shoulders.

"I left him. I knew that we felt the same, even though we never said it." She wiped a tear away from under her eye, leaning a little more against Ezri's arm. "I thought that maybe I was seeing what I wanted, because I'd lost him once already, and keeping our relationship somewhat secret was more difficult than I had imagined. Everyone knew" She chuckled a little, remembering one of her conversations with Veronica, long before the Caeliar, when Veronica had asked her about Christmas and what she'd be getting Captain Archer.  That Christmas had been the one Shran took them climbing on Andor and she'd broken her leg.

"He loved you." Ezri said, looking at the padd over her shoulder and reading the passage Erika had paused on.

"I loved him, but I was so caught up then in inventing the Captain Hernandez that you all read about." She shrugged, her heart broken into more pieces than she thought possible, but soon it would be time for their mission, and she would need to be focused on that. "The Caeliar took something from me, more than just Jonathan and Earth, I think they took me. What I am now is not who I was then."

"Whatever you've lost, I can help you find it" Ezri whispered, taking hold of her hands, and Erika smiled at the memory of the night that brought her back into Jonathan's life, she squeezed Ezri's hand, leaning against her shoulder as she allowed her tears to fall.

_**Do you remember when we'd** _   
_**Stay up late and we'd talk all night** _   
_**In a dark room lit by the TV light** _   
_**Through all the hard times in my life** _   
_**Those nights kept me alive** _

She laid next to him and remembered the first time they'd done this. All those years ago, just the two of them sitting with the TV on low, talking about everything that they wanted to happen.

Both before and after their romance, the Saturday ritual had been maintained, until assignments had driven them apart, and here they were again, sat on his ship, laid on his bunk with something on the screen, talking about everything that had happened over the last few days.

It seemed like, no matter what happened, they were drawn back together. These nights, these talks, they were what she lived for. They were the reasons she came home every time. She rolled over a little and just looked at him for a minute, watching the reflection of the water polo match in his eyes. After a few seconds he met her eyes. She leaned up and kissed him gently. At his questioning look she just said the only two words she could think of.

"Thank you."

"What for?" He asked, even as he slid down a little so he was on her level. She threaded her fingers around his and wondered what she could say without jinxing what they had in the moment.

"This. Just being here. Through every bad day you've been here for me."

"Of course, always" He smiled, then wrapped his arms around her, she grinned into the kiss, still feeling as happy about everything they had done, they might do in the days to come, because these were the nights she hoped people were having all over Earth controlled space. These were the reasons they fought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order
> 
> Heartless at Best - New Found Glory  
> Cradle - Atomic Kitten  
> The Devil in Me - What's Eating Gilbert  
> Good to You - Marianas Trench ft Kate Voegle  
> Those Nights - Skillet


	22. Chapter 22

_**All day staring at the ceiling** _   
_**Making friends with shadows on my wall** _   
_**All night hearing voices telling me** _   
_**That I should get some sleep** _   
_**Because tomorrow might be good for something** _

He knew what his mind was going to tell him the moment he closed his eyes. He couldn't avoid her forever. He could keep trying, but it wasn't really possible. He was running out of personal days that he could take and still be considered head of B team.

Erika would be at work, and he hoped that staying away from her would change his feelings. Apparently it wasn't working. It actually wasn't even close to working. He wanted to see her, even if she'd probably berate him for disappearing during the testing phase. She would have been giving the orders, not that she'd have given them wrong, he often didn't have to say anything to her before she'd be doing what he ordered. She knew the job.

He could happily stay in bed staring at the ceiling and thinking that he should sleep. Maybe he just needed to stop pretending the last few nights out hadn't happened, and accept that he and Erika had something that might be good. If he could kick his ass into gear and stop being an idiot.

_**But there’s still tomorrow** _   
_**Forget the sorrow** _   
_**And I won’t be on the last train home** _   
_**Let it pass the day** _   
_**As it fades away** _   
_**No more time to care, no more time today** _

He stepped out of his office as he saw Erika walking passed, he needed to speak to her, and she had been almost impossible to find all day. He shouted after her, and was unsurprised that she span on her heels looking like she was about to kill him, "Erika, we should start making the pla-"

"I don't care, not today." She snapped, and the uncharacteristic anger in her voice, and her countenance put him on edge, he was not used to seeing her so uncontrolled.

"Is today a bad day?"

"Jon..."

"Commander?" he used her rank, assuming that she was angry at something on the project.

"Jon, my dad died." She whispered, while he stood in stunned silence, suddenly understanding why she had been so jumpy and annoyed today. They had had their problems recently, and he probably hadn't opened himself up for her. He pulled her into the office, shutting the blinds so nobody could see in on them, and he watched her shield crumble as he took her hand.

"Why are you here?" He asked, leaning against the edge of his desk. She stepped in front of him and he could see that she was on the edge. She shook her head and he knew that she needed him. "I have a week of leave due, I'll tell commodore Forrest I'm taking it."

"You don't have to come, Jon. It'll jus-" he cut her off with a gentle kiss. Watching her another second before he spoke again.

"I'm coming, unless you don't want me too?"

"Of course, I need you right now." He watched her face crumble, and he pulled her to him. Knowing she needed his support. He loved her, and if that meant that the project lost two of its 8 commanders for a week, he could live with the decision. She needed to come first right now. He whispered in her ear, gently rubbing her back. This was only the third time he'd ever seen her cry.

"E..." She seemed to fade in front of him, as he was just holding onto her, trying to give her the strength she needed. "We'll get the last train tonight. Your mother will need you. Call her, I'll go see Forrest and then pack." He lifted her chin and kissed her, then wiped her tears. He couldn't let her do this alone, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.

_**We’ll do it all, everything, on our own** _   
_**We don’t need, anything, or anyone** _   
_**If I lay here, if I just lay here** _   
_**Would you lie with me, and just forget the world** _

She laid in the middle of the grass, watching the clouds move above her. She was certain that her Starfleet uniform stood out, even as she just rested. Enjoying the minute away from everything. She could feel the eyes of people on her as she laid there, barely moving a muscle. She didn't want to move, she didn't think she was ready to go back into the building behind her for another round of debriefings and battle plans.

She knew he'd found her even before he sat down, instead of saying anything he tilted his head back and watched the same clouds she did. After a few minutes he lowered himself to laying beside her. She turned her head to look at him in that position, even as their hands brushed, and she felt the urge to hold him, just for a moment.

"What are we doing?"

"Forgetting the universe."

"Why?"

"Because I can't take more debriefings, Jon. More battle plans and empty promises about more assistance. _Challenger_ won't be able to go for another six months, and that's only if she doesn't have the same troubles _Columbia_ did." He just settled again, and this time he did slip his hand into hers. She found herself feeling even more confused, but at least she had told someone, someone she trusted with her life, with the fact that she was struggling with the war, after almost 2 full years fighting skirmishes with the Romulans, while the politicians tried to claim they weren't at war. She really did dislike it. She caught is head turning out of the corner of her eye, and she looked back to him with a sigh.

"Erika, we can just keep doing our thing out there, OK. You don't need to worry about the orders and plans. Because they change when we're the ones in charge anyway. It's you and me, we're the ones who are making the big decisions when it's our ships in trouble." His calm voice settled her nerves, and she was glad he had come to find her. "What are we doing now?"

"Can we just stay here a little longer." she squeezed his hand, and turned back to the sky. She heard his contended sigh as he followed her lead. The calm of the day calming her last nerves.

_**I've been stuck now so long, we just got the start wrong** _   
_**One more last try, I'mma get the ending right** _   
_**You can't stop this, and I must insist** _   
_**That you haven't had enough** _

"You act like you hate me!" She shouted, and he pulled her into the apartment again so that the entire of the street didn't hear them arguing again. She wouldn't have cared either way. He held his hands out in a defensive pose, this time getting between her and the door.

"I don't even close to hate you! I can't stay away from you, I thought all our various slips over the years proved that! We slept together three weeks after we first met!" He countered her point, but the last point riled her up even more than she already had been. He had to bring that up again. It had to be about that time, so long ago.

"And you had a girlfriend at the time, which you neglected to tell me!" She screamed, tempted to throw something at him.

"We were on a break!" he came over to her, taking hold of her wrists, he looked into her eyes, the amber meeting her dark eyes and seeming to look straight through her. "Look. Erika. It's been you since the day we met! You knew that and we still waited 6 years to try and define what we are to each other, explain to me how that makes sense?"

"Jon, what do you want from me, an apology that I didn't throw myself at you just because we slept together a few times?" She felt like giving up, she wasn't sure if she was really ready to deal with this level of emotional conversation after a full day at work. 

"I just want to know where I stand, because I love you and I care about what happens to us! I don't want to keep missing you because you think this is some sort of joke to me!"

She stopped struggling against his hands, and she was fairly sure her jaw had hit the ground. "Wow, I didn't know you felt that way."

"How can you say that?" He asked, and all she could do was shake her head, because she didn't have the answer to that question. She just wanted him to tell her, but it was clear from the look on his face that he knew, maybe he'd known all along, that she was the woman for him, and the realisation dawned on her that he was perfect for her too. She'd never have enough of him.

_**Maybe we shouldn’t have kissed yet** _   
_**Maybe we would never get the chance** _   
_**Yet I know we are forgiven** _   
_**Because it seems I love you** _

He just shook his head, the regrets already forming in his mind. This had been a bad idea. He was still technically in a relationship, and Erika was his comm officer, his good right arm. He wasn't sure how it had even happened, other than he had asked to walk her home.

If he hadn't taken the chance though, they might have never had the chance. He couldn't let her pass him by. He had already lost one woman he loved, years earlier, and this relationship had been going nowhere, he wasn't even sure if they really were still together.

The woman laid next to him though, she was his equal in every single way. They would challenge each other. He knew that. But he didn't want to risk her career, or his. Getting involved with someone else in the fleet was never easy, he already knew that. He also already knew he loved her. He had loved her since she had introduced herself at their friends wedding. Which is how he knew he'd done the right thing. Even if he didn't end up with her, he would have the memory of this night, and the legacy of helping him decide that it was time he said goodbye to Caroline. He loved another woman, and it wouldn't be fair to string her along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order
> 
> Unwell - Matchbox20  
> Last Train Home - LostProphets  
> Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol  
> Haven't Had Enough - Marianas Trench  
> Dear God - What's Eating Gilbert


	23. Chapter 23

_**I just wish we could go back** _   
_**One more time and begin it** _   
_**Back before I lost myself somewhere** _   
_**Somewhere in it** _

"I'm married to Starfleet, just like you."

The irony of those words. Only three years earlier they had been thinking about possibly getting married. She hadn't changed at all. He'd known her most of his career. They had been in the same year at flight school, though in different disciplines and had therefore never come across each other.

Right now, he wished he had decided that Erika was more important than his career. He probably wouldn't have spent the last 9 months in the Expanse if he had. He'd probably have been here, doing something with the NX-Programme, who knew what might have happened, they could have had children, a house and a family.

Instead, now they were both married to Starfleet, and he was surprised that she had accepted a captaincy, though he probably shouldn't have been, she had always been everything he had, she'd actually probably make a better captain than him. She wouldn't have made half the decisions he had.

"Nobody serious in your life?" was her next question, and he shook his head, turning back to her again. He realised this was the first time they'd been alone since their break-up. She smiled at him, and he remembered now what had first attracted him to her, all those years ago.

_**It's easy to say** _   
_**It's for the best** _   
_**When you're wanting more** _   
_**While you leave me with less** _

"It's for the best." He said, his hand wrapping around hers even as she knew he was pulling away. Maybe not physically, but emotionally. She had seen him through many break-ups. Not that he normally kept relationships going for all that long. A few weeks, maybe a couple of months. She was always the friend on the side who was there when another woman let him down.

"You liked her?"

"As much as anyone I suppose, she was nice."

"Jon, what's up?" She noticed the slight pull of his eyes, and she would tell her was thinking, she didn't know what about, was he considering what he had done wrong this time. He always blamed himself. The truth was, she didn't even remember this last girls' name.

"You're always here." He looked at her, his amber eyes studying her face in a way she'd never really seen him do before.

"I'm aware of that." She confirmed, laughing a little at the obvious statement, and it's implications.

"No I mean, you've always been beside me, and I don't remember you ever coming to me after a break up, or for anything really?" He turned round to face her fully, taking hold of her other hand as well.

"I've not had a relationship in years, I've focused on my career, and on my friends. Like you. Even after everything we've been through together." She answered, honestly. Knowing that he would just question her more. She didn't really want to admit that their nights over the years were amongst her favourite memories, and that he was one of the main reasons she hadn't had a relationship in the 6 years since she'd met him.

"You've never wanted more?" He asked, still studying her, and she felt herself blushing under the intensity of his eyes. They always looked like they pierced through her, and he could see through to her depths.

"You were never interested in the more, and neither was I, really." Jon looked away, out of the window again and she didn't know what else to say. They sat in silence, looking in different directions, while still holding hands.

"Erika?" He said, causing her to turn back to him. She caught his face as he'd apparently been staring at her again, something that they had both been guilty of more than once over the years.

"Yeah?"

"I always wanted more."  He dropped his head, as if admitting that made him worried that she'd feel differently. She squeezed his hand, and pulled him towards her, kissing him as hard as she could, hoping that the action showed him that she wanted more too. She had been waiting for him as long as she could, and he had given her the opening she needed. She just wanted to hold onto him now until the end.

_**So when I see you next** _   
_**We'll make the most of it** _   
_**Tell the sun to start moving again** _   
_**The taste of your kiss** _   
_**I've still got on my lips** _   
_**And I will take you there with me** _

She watched him walk away again, and she knew it could be months before they were together again. War had its own demands for people like them, and they both accepted that. He turned back at the end of the corridor and waved at her. All she could do was smile, and wave back. In only hours she would need to be back on _Columbia_. For now though she had time to think about what had happened the night before.

She could still taste his goodbye kiss as she stared at the space he had vacated. Orders always changed what they planned to do. The night before had started with them going to her apartment so she could grab a couple of things. Instead of going out for a meal, they had ended up staying there. They were making the most of what time they had.

It had been nice to spend a night together as a couple, not having to worry about calls from their respective XOs or the occasional call from an admiral in the middle of something quite intimate, which had only happened once, and it had been a call for Jon. She just wanted the sun to stop so that they could have stayed there. Instead she was already thinking about last time. She shut the door and started to pack her things away, ready to get back to the ship when a knock on the door came again.

She opened the door to be greeted again by his amber eyes, he said nothing, just leant down and kissed her again, pulling her into him as he walked her backwards into her apartment. Sometimes neither of them could wait for the next time, they needed to forget that time was moving and just stay there. Soon the illusion would be shattered, but right at that moment, she was just glad that they had another moment together.

_**I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing** _   
_**With a broken heart, that’s still beating** _   
_**In the pain, there is healing** _   
_**In your name, I find meaning** _

There was so much she couldn't do without him, and knowing that he might not return from this mission had her more worried than anything else in their relationship. He knew what he was doing, and this was the only way he could prove what was happening. She remembered that he loved her and that he would call her as soon as he was safe.

But until that moment her heart would be broken, thinking that she may never get that call. He was the most experienced captain in Starfleet, and she knew that would be what saw him through this. He had Shran as backup, and if they needed, they would call for her, and she would bring the rest of the fleet. Being third in command of the fleet was not what she had expected, but Jon and Shran had insisted that it be her.

So she would do her duty to the coalition, and she would do it by helping Jonathan in any way she possibly could. She would be there to bring the fleet, and she would assist in the efforts as far as Starfleet would allow her, but soon, probably too soon, she and _Columbia_ would be sent back to the shipping lanes, and that would be all she could do.

_**May I hold you as you fall to sleep** _   
_**When the world is closing in** _   
_**And you can't breathe** _   
_**May I love you, may I be your shield** _   
_**When no-one can be found** _   
_**May I lay you down** _

He just looked at her, as she stood across the almost empty bedroom. He knew that she needed him, but she had been trying to push him away since her father's death. He was well aware that she felt she needed to be strong on her own, and prove that she could deal with this, but he wanted her to realise that she could depend on him too.

He walked up behind her, stopping just short of touching her, until she reached back for his arms. He wrapped himself around her, resting his chin on her shoulder as she relaxed against him. He had needed that permission before he could do anything. He couldn't hold a woman who was fighting against him. They both looked out of the window as the rain streamed down them.

"I'm sorry, Rike." He used the endearment her family used for her, and held her tighter as she started to cry again. All he wanted right now was to be able to stay there and love her. Tell her that it didn't matter, that he would protect her from everything around her, from all the pain and suffering he had watched the last few days.

Erika turned around in his arms after a while, burying her head into his shoulder, he just led her over to the bed and laid them down gently, keeping his arms wrapped around her, and shaking his head at anyone who walked to the door as she started falling asleep. If all he could do was give her a few hours of peaceful sleep, he would make sure of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order
> 
> Haven't Had Enough - Marianas Trench  
> Fallout - Marianas Trench  
> Half Light - Athlete  
> Broken - Lifehouse  
> May I - Trading Yesterday


	24. Chapter 24

_**I'm awake and trying** _   
_**While you're sleeping like a babe beside him** _   
_**I'm on the ledge while you're so** _   
_**Goddamned polite and composed** _

She stood at the edge of the room and just looked at the two of them, she wasn't surprised that the two of them were comfortable, and had once again pushed her out of the bed. She walked over and poked him until he moved, at which point, she slapped his arm, enough to make him sit up.

"Why are you hitting me?" He asked, looking at her bleary eyed, the starscape outside giving them the only light.

"He did it again!" She exclaimed quietly, aware that by this point Trip would be in his room next door, and it wasn't necessary that he hear them fighting, again.

"E, get back in bed." Jon said, living the sheet up and motioning her toward him.

"When there's space." He moved up a bit, then rolled over, pulling her into the bed with him. He wrapped his arms around her again even as she tried not to let her annoyance win out. Eventually he dozed off again, with his arms still around her, a second later the animal that was the source of so many of their night time arguments jumped onto the bed again, this time curling up in the gap in front of her stomach, and finally she could sleep comfortably. For tonight at least.

_**I tear my heart open** _   
_**I sew myself shut** _   
_**And my weakness is** _   
_**That I care too much** _

She had laid everything out to him again, and all he was doing was staring at her like she was insane. Sometimes, maybe, she cared too much about everything else in the universe. She couldn't help that she was compassionate, that she cared about everything.

Eventually, he started laughing, and the effect was contagious, and before long she was laughing too. He just looked over the desk at her again and passed her the next set of calculations. He almost dropped the file again as he started giggling again.

"What?" She asked, feeling ever so slightly ridiculous about her crazy level tonight, and her apprehension about the next flight.

"I knew there was a reason I had you on my team E. You think about things nobody else does. Granted they are normally insane things, but at least you think." She watched him, wondering if that was meant as a compliment or not. She guessed by the smile on his face that it was a compliment, and went back to looking over the calculations and eating her Chinese, even as she felt his eyes on her, she avoided looking up again. Needing to look at least slightly sane for a few minutes.

_**I don’t want another pretty face** _   
_**I don’t want just anyone to hold** _   
_**I don’t want my love to go to waste** _   
_**I want you and your beautiful soul** _

He watched her move about the bridge with confidence, he hadn't announced his presence because of that. He hadn't ever had enough chance to just watch her being the Captain. She walked around the bridge giving individual orders to her officers, with a casual hand on an arm or smile. He could feel the admiration for her in the room, and he could see the respectful glances the officers shot at her as she walked away.

"Keep an eye on the seals, and call me if there are any problems." He heard as she got towards the back of the bridge, where he was hiding away from any activity at the moment.

"Yes Captain."

"Commander, start the shore leave rotations, one day each. We're here for a week, everyone should get one day on Earth." She spoke up, and he saw the blonde woman on the other side of the bridge stand up from the console she'd been studying and head toward the centre seat, where she met with Erika. He wondered if anyone watching _Enterprise_ would see something similar between him and his officers.

"And you Captain?"

"I have a briefing to get too, then I'm taking my leave day tomorrow. You're in charge til I'm back, Veronica. Don't break anything." He heard the smirk in Erika's voice, knowing that she was playing on the reputation the Commander had, having worked with her for many years now.

"No ma'am." The Commander replied with a grin, and Erika finally turned around to see him lurking in the back of her situation room. Her smile when their eyes met was bright enough to light up the bridge without any help, and as he slid out of the door, waiting for her to follow him he felt his own face split into a smile too, because he'd seen the woman he loved doing the job she was phenomenal at, and it had just reinforced that she was his perfect partner. She understood him.

_**I don’t wanna wait** _   
_**Or leave it up to fate** _   
_**I just wanna** _   
_**Watch you all night** _

She felt his eyes on her face, but she tried to ignore it, needing to get her reports written, she'd already put them off til the very last moment because she'd been put off by him. After a few minutes she couldn't focus anymore, so she looked at him and saw the grin on his face, "What are you doing?"

"Watching you." He said simply, the grin not leaving his face even as she groaned.

"I'm writing my comms reports, shouldn't you be doing your mission report?"

"Yes."

"Then?" He didn't answer her question, just continued watching her with a silly smirk on his face, she almost couldn't concentrate on what she was trying to do, his eyes were hypnotic and she could feel herself watching him more than writing the report. Eventually she put down her pen, and he looked up again, then leant forward and kissed her gently. Before picking up his own pen and working on his own reports.

_**Never knew I could feel like this** _   
_**Like I've never seen the sky before** _   
_**Want to vanish inside your kiss** _   
_**Every day I love you more and more** _

He just looked at her. It didn’t matter what happened to him, as long as she was alright. He had never fallen for someone the way he had for her.

She was the other half of him. He wanted nothing more than to stand and watch the stars with her. Stand and kiss her as the universe span around them.

He wanted to tell her that that his love grew stronger every moment they were together. Every second they stood, even only in the same room.

His eyes lingered on her as she continued with her work. He could do nothing more. She was everything in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order
> 
> Fallout - Marianas Trench  
> Scars - Papa Roach  
> Beautiful Soul - Jesse McCartney  
> Can't Stop, Gotta Date with Hate - LostProphets  
> Come What May - Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman


	25. Chapter 25

_**And if I stop ever thinking of you** _   
_**I’d probably choke on the words I never said** _   
_**If I stop ever thinking of you** _   
_**I’d bury my heart and fall back in my bed** _   
_**What a sight that’ll be yeah** _

There was something that was pulling him towards her. It didn’t seem to matter what she was doing, he would just happily stand and watch her. It didn’t seem to matter, and he tried to pull himself away from her. Try to take his mind off her. But it never worked. She was in his very soul.

The closer they got, into a relationship, marriage, kids… He still felt the same about her. He still watched her doing mundane tasks and knew that he would never stop thinking about her. This long after starting thinking about her, he knew she was something special if she was still on his mind.

There was nothing in the universe more important to him. There was nothing he wanted to hold onto tighter. He loved her, and that was enough to make sure he told her every day.

_**Life is getting harder day by day** _   
_**And I don’t know what to do what to say** _   
_**And my mind is growing weak with every step I take** _   
_**It’s uncontrollable now they think I’m fake yeah** _   
_**Coz I’m not alone, no, no, no.** _

She couldn't carry on, there was simply no way she could carry the weight of the universe on her shoulders any longer. She was lying her way through every day, and her crew knew that she was sure.

Her concentration was failing, and if help didn't arrive soon, she wouldn't know what to do. She depended on Jon Archer for so much when she couldn't make the right decisions, and right now, she couldn't even think about contacting him.

Out there somewhere he was thinking about her, she was sure of that. Even if she couldn't speak to him, she knew she wasn't alone. He cared about her, and he cared about _Columbia_. One day soon, the Vulcans would come back and she would be able to go home and tell him that everything was fine.

_**All that I am, all that I ever was** _   
_**Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see** _   
_**I don't know when, confused about how as well** _   
_**Just know that these things will never change for us at all** _

He laid beside her, and knew that this was what they were from now on. They were the two of them, they were officers, they were friends, and they were lovers. Nothing would change that, not for him, nor for her. Another promotion threatened to tear them apart, but this time he wasn't going to just let her go. He wanted her to stay in his life.

He didn't know when the decision that she was more important than his career had happened, and he wasn't sure how she had gotten so deep into his mind, but now he couldn't imagine a time when they wouldn't have this connection, when they wouldn't be leaning on each other in the way they did now. Where they wouldn't be depending on each other's decisions and knowing that they were so much more than the sum of their parts. They worked in tandem, and they knew the moves the other would make. Shran had once commented that watching _Enterprise_ and _Columbia_ in battle was like watching an intricate dance without music.

All that he could ever do was joined with her, and he knew he needed her support, regardless of anyone else. All he could see right now was her, and their future.

_**Of all the things I still remember** _   
_**Summers never looked the same** _   
_**Years go by and time just seems to fly** _   
_**But the memories remain** _

The sun shone through the trees on Erika and her constant companion for all the years she had come to this park. They had been recalled to Earth for the dedication of the Warp 7 programme and the christening of the new building. After all the festivities they had escaped to their bench, sitting together and the memories had flooded over her. She wondered if he remembered the same things she did. "Do you remember that day when we all sat here, Lieutenants, the chosen ones? So proud that we'd been pulled from our various assignments to work on this?"

"When the NX Programme moved from Montana?" He asked with a nod and a smile, looking at the river in front of them, the waves clearly defined in the dusk light.

"You, me, AG, Sam, Rob." She listed the pilots. She had always been the comm officer, until she was given the _Columbia_ she had been the only comm officer for the programme, something she was very proud of, and Jon had been its first Captain, something she was even prouder of.

"You were the only woman in the bunch, and got your share of teasing for that." He joked, and she reached out and squeezed his side, he flinched, then put an arm around her shoulders as he sat back on the bench. She kept looking and missed the camaraderie of those years. When Starfleet was so tiny and outside of the engineers who they shared with the UESPA, the officers all knew each other.

"I miss those days, so many years ago."

"AG and Rob are gone, Sam's a Admiral." Jon listed, his hand on her arm pulling her close as the night finally started to fall, and they heard the raucous celebrations from the Starfleet compound and they both looked back, then she shrugged at him. He watched her a few minutes, and she could see all the more personal memories the two of them had in the park playing behind his eyes. "I love you." he whispered with the largest smile she'd seen in a long time on his face.

"I know. Me too." She smiled back, and wrapped her fingers around his as the complex they had spent so many years in together was torn down a little way down the road. She looked back in that direction and felt a hit of nostalgia and sadness, even though she knew the new warp research complex would be more suited then the old warehouse they'd used, she had some great memories from the warp 5 complex, and she would miss it.

_**I’m stretching but you’re just out of reach** _   
_**You should know** _   
_**I’m ready when you’re ready for me** _   
_**I’m waiting for a lifetime** _   
_**For the day I catch your eye** _   
_**To let you know that I’m yours to hold** _

In his dreams she was right there, only seconds away from him, and she understood that he wanted her to be his for as long as she would have him. But then he'd wake up in his lonely apartment again, and he'd know that reality was that she still didn't trust him enough to do anything more than be friends. Their occasional nights together non-withstanding, she wasn't ready to believe that he wanted more from her.

When she was ready, he would be there with open arms, he would for the rest of his life if he needed too. He had experienced "love" enough to know that she was the real deal, there was something that pulled them together, and one day she would realise that too. He'd be there when she did, because she was worth waiting for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order
> 
> The Minute I Met You - New Found Glory  
> Not Alone - Danny Jones  
> Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol  
> September - Daughtry  
> Yours to Hold - Skillet


	26. Chapter 26

_**Slow building up now** _   
_**Closing in on you now** _   
_**Breathing down your neck now** _   
_**Telling you don’t leave it all behind** _   
_**It takes you to open up your eyes** _   
_**To see the light, It’s all around you** _

The mountain air was apparently just what he'd needed. Or maybe it was partly what they'd done that night before. He wasn't sure. All he knew was that now he was glad she was there with him, and that he was suddenly thankful to her stubborn and caring personality. Somehow she managed to simultaneously annoy him and cheer him up, and he had no idea how it was possible.

What they had had always been that way. They had always used the physical attraction they had to diffuse tense situations, ever since the beginning of their friendship, it had been their release, but the relationship had added to that and now he was sure that this was a new beginning for him, and he wanted her to be a part of it. He wanted her to be the one he came home too.

She had once again forced him to open his eyes and see that he wasn't just the decisions he'd made. He was the hero that the press was making him out to be, and that scared him more than anything, but now he felt more ready to deal with it. They sat together looking around the mountains and deciding they had gone far enough, he had gotten the release he needed, and she had proven to him that he had been right all along.

He saw the light that was all around him now, and that was mostly because he was certain that no matter what happened next, he wouldn't be out there on his own. She'd be behind him.

_**Kiss me beneath the milky twilight** _   
_**Lead me out on the moonlit floor** _   
_**Lift your open hand, strike up the band** _   
_**And make the firefly’s dance, silver moon sparkling** _   
_**So kiss me** _

The darkness was falling but he didn't feel the urge to find shelter, and he could tell that she wasn't interested in leaving where they were. The table was empty, and the lights in the restaurant they were sat beside were off. He had no idea of the time, not after hours of sitting just talking. It wasn't as if they never saw each other, they actually spent every day together.

He had convinced her to give them a chance, and this first date had been one of the best he could remember doing. He just looked to her after she looked around as well. He took her hand and spoke honestly. "I don't want to go home yet."

She stood up and reached for his hand and dragged him along with her, running through the back of the buildings, and he found himself wondering how she knew the way so well. He tried to follow her as best he could, almost bursting out laughing as they came out in the park that separated her apartment building from the warehouse that housed the NX programme. It took him a moment to figure out where is he was, and where she was around him.

Then, only seconds later she was right in front of him, and their lips were millimetres apart, he licked his lips, then dipped the miniscule distance between them, claiming her as his own. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and he pulled gently at her hips, pulling her closer to him. He had always known they had something special, and this was the proof, the fireworks that were going off in his mind proved to him that they were meant to be together.

_**And if your heart wears thin** _   
_**I will hold you up** _   
_**And I will hide you** _   
_**When it gets too much** _   
_**I'll be right beside you** _

He could sense the mood of the room, and none of it was building up to be very good for him. He could almost sense the Admirals as they looked across at him. He had given his evidence, and had told the truth, as everyone else who had testified had. The Coalition council were about ready to give the verdict when he became aware of the smaller form of Erika stepping forward and standing beside him. A silent show of support.

A minute later, Shran came and stood the other side of him. He thought of the symbolism his fellow captains were showing him. The three of them had been the leaders of the fleet that had gone to Coridan. Maybe they had made their mistakes, but Erika and Shran were making it clear that they would be sharing in his fate.

"It is clear that the Captains went to Coridan with all the intelligence they were given, and it appeared that they ship they were approaching was likely to be a Romulan craft. While we don't condone the choice made to fire before the target was verified. It is believed that they acted with all necessary force with the information they had. Therefore, no action shall be taken against Captains Archer, Hernandez and Shran." The cheers that rang around the room were quickly ended as the councilman stood up to continue speaking. "However, the question remains to be answered by the Vulcan government as to what one of their ships was doing that side of Coridan."

Minutes later, when it was confirmed, he turned to his colleagues before they were mobbed by the officers and press who had been gathered in the room.

"You didn't have to do that."

"Yes, we did pinkskin." Shran said, shaking his hand vigorously  before turning away and motioning to his countrymen. He turned to Erika, and she just nodded before throwing her arms around him and whispering in his ear.

"We did, and you know why we did. I'll prove it tonight." She smiled as she took a few steps away, a mischievous grin on her face that he would never tire of seeing, and almost immediately he saw her stopped by a journalist. It took another few seconds for him to notice he'd been keeping his eyes on her instead of paying attention to the people who were stood in front of him asking questions. He shook his head, and suddenly immediately knew what she meant. She'd always be beside him, literally and figuratively. He felt his smile growing, even as he focused on answering the questions.

_**And there you stand opened heart, opened doors** _   
_**Full of life with the world that's wanting more** _   
_**But I can see when the lights start to fade** _   
_**The day is done and your smile has gone away** _

She watched him as the end of another day began to wear on him, another day of delays and flight issues and she could tell that now it was really beginning to push him over the edge. He knew the engine and believed in the ships more than anyone else on the programme, and maybe that was why it was so hard for him to deal with the problems.

What made it worse for her was that while flights were grounded, she'd been leant to another team, a team developing an engine that was slower and less efficient than the Archer engine, and she had made herself unpopular on the first day by pointing that out.

All she wanted to do was go and help comfort her friend, convince him that in the end things would work out, the warp 4 flight would be made, and he would see his father's engine fly again. They just needed to tidy things up, and they needed to confirm that the next step was ready.

With the day at an end, she knew that the other team would do fine without her, she walked round to his office and stood at the door, watching him a moment before just pulling him to his feet and out of the door. She didn't say a word, and he didn't protest. She took him home and listened to him talk. Letting him get all of his demons out into the open, letting him talk. Because that's what he needed. Nothing more than his friend.

_**All that's made me** _   
_**Is all worth trading** _   
_**Just to have one moment with you** _   
_**So I will let go** _   
_**Of all that I know** _   
_**Knowing that you're here with me** _   
_**For your love is changing me** _

She remembered a time when she wouldn't have ever done anything like this. She would never have stood there, their daughter held a few metres away, holding his hands as she became his wife. There had never been a time when she hadn't wanted this, but 10 years ago she had said this was an impossibility, because they had had other priorities.

Now she was ready for this, the rest of her life with her soulmate would be everything that she wanted. Everything that she had done up to this point would be worth sacrificing to become a real family. Jon had convinced her that this was the best thing for them to do, and the happy cheers of Serena in the background convinced her. For one moment with him, with them, everything was worth it.

"Do you take this man to be your husband?" She had never been more ready to answer that question.

"I do." She replied, and then and there she knew everything would work out in the end, because he had changed her so much. He had always been her guiding light, her north star, and he had shown her that she could be that for others too. They had always found their way to each other, somehow, even when there was no chance that they should have done it. She slid the ring onto his finger, and smiled as he kissed her as hard as he could, she kissed him back at least as hard, if not harder. She grinned as they turned back to the officers gathered around them, to her brother and his family, the people who they cared for there. She laughed even more as Serena reached for her parents, and she and Jonathan posed for pictures with their little miracle.

While the 10 years they had taken between the first time they had planned their wedding, and actually carrying it out had been difficult part, she could remember every time she'd worried that he wouldn't make it home from the front, and she was certain he'd had the same worries for her in the last 6 years, since they had reignited their relationship. That had all been worth it, because of this moment, it made it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order
> 
> It's All Around You - New Found Glory  
> Kiss Me - Sixpence None The Richer/New Found Glory  
> Beside You - Marianas Trench  
> May I - Trading Yesterday (x2)


	27. Chapter 27

_**Dear god, if you’re not busy right now** _   
_**With someone in another town who might need you more** _   
_**I ask you to visit her now and tell her it’s not OK what she’s done** _   
_**But you forgave her and she can move on** _

If he was a religious man he’d pray, because right now that was the only way to change what was going on. He would probably lose what he wanted, he knew that. He had to make a choice, the woman he’d fallen in love with, or his career. She just stared out across the bay, towards the bridge that had survived more wars than he could think of. He wrapped his fingers around hers, holding her as tightly as he could here.

While she should be focusing on her own career she wasn’t, she was sat there helping him decide his, even knowing that telling him to take the promotion would end them, he’d be her superior officer, and under the rules they lived their lives by, they couldn’t be involved. He watched her, she was so still, so quiet

“You should take the promotion. Then you’ll be in contention for the first captaincy” she whispered, still looking away from him, her hand flexed in his, gripping him harder, her action telling a different story from what she was saying.

“I’d be your superior” he muttered, feeling her eyes finally land on him, the dark depths shining with tears she’d probably never shed, at least not where anyone would ever see them. She put on her brave face and smiled lightly.

“It’s OK, Jon. We had a good run” with those words he leant towards her and kissed her, as hard as he could, running his free hand through her hair, memorising the moment before he pulled away again, wiping one of the only tears he’d ever seen her shed from beneath her eye.

“I’ll miss you” he mumbled, nuzzling into her neck and breathing in her smell. She had made the decision for him, but he was still sorry that he had had to lose one of the things he wanted.

“You’ll see me every day” she laughed, the sound sweet against his ear. He leaned back and shook his head, almost chuckling himself. “I’ll miss you too” she admitted, a pensive look on her face as he kissed her again.

“We still have tonight right?”

“We still have tonight.” She nodded, and he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to her feet and leading her through the streets of San Francisco. If he only had one more night, he’d make the most of it.

 **** _This years' love had better last_  
Heaven knows it's high time  
I've been waiting on my own too long  
And when you hold me like you do it feels so right

He had forgotten how much he hated when they had to leave, last time it had been more than 6 months between seeing her, and he'd found himself counting down the days toward the end when he knew that _Enterprise_ and _Columbia_ would be meeting up.

He remembered deciding that he'd go down to meet her alone, and the moment he'd seen she'd had the same idea, he had kissed her the hardest he could ever remember. He had missed her that much.

There would never be someone else who could feel so right in his arms. She fit with him in such a perfect and wonderful way, and all he could imagine was that she didn't have to leave again. That they would be able to stay the way they were forever.

Then this moment would come. The moment he'd stand on his bridge and watch as _Columbia_ set off in the other direction, and he'd have to say goodbye again. Somehow, they'd made this last for two years, and he hoped they could make it last until the end of the war, when one way or another, he would find a way to see her more often. Because waiting on his own for their ships to cross each other happened too often, for both of them.

_**Have you ever loved and lost somebody** _   
_**Wished there was a chance to say "I'm sorry"** _   
_**Can't you see that's the way I feel** _   
_**About you and me baby** _

"I don't know what else to say." He said again and she just pushed passed him, determined to get across to her office before she either yelled at him, or broke down. Either way right now she felt he wasn't going to give up chasing her.

Yes, there were things she regretted about the last month, and the way she had told him that she didn't care about what they were doing, but her fear of falling into something more serious than she could handle with the last person on the planet she could handle losing was what had prompted her quick exit.

"Erika, I'm sorry!" He shouted as she finally made it to her office and slammed the door. She heard him on the other side, and she was certain he wouldn't move until she came out again, but she couldn't, not now. She sat down, taking a few deep breaths as she heard the door open, and moments later she looked into his eyes and knew that he really was. "I'm not really sure what happened, but  I swear I didn't mean too. I don't want to screw this up."

"I'm sorry, Jon." She whispered, putting a finger on his lips to stop him talking. "I was afraid, too afraid. You're my best friend, and the idea of losing you scared me so much." She sighed as he laughed a little at her, shaking his head. He took hold of her hands, and she knew that there was so much that he could say in this moment, but he didn't need too, she knew now, she was worrying for no reason. They would make it work, they always had.

_**Where are you** _   
_**And I'm so sorry** _   
_**I cannot sleep** _   
_**I cannot dream tonight** _

"Dammit Jonathan, answer the comm!" She swore again at the computer. Ready to beg any deity that existed for him to just answer this time. The longer it took for Enterprise to answer the comm, the longer they weren't heard from, the higher her fear rose.

It had been three weeks, and this time she'd hoped that she'd get through. She had so much she needed to speak to him about, so much she needed to apologise for. The last time they had spoken she had said things she didn't mean, and she had accused him of things he'd never do.

Now she couldn't sleep, she couldn't dream, because she missed hearing his voice, and the guilt was resting heavily on her. She just wanted to know that he was OK. That was the most important thing. She could then tell him that she was sorry.

"Erika?" Came a voice filled with worry, and she realised she'd been absently staring at the screen, not realising that he had finally answered, she felt the surprise show on her face, but she also couldn't help the smile form.

"Jon." She sighed, and proceeded to apologise for everything, until he managed to stop her with the four simple words she needed to hear. Said with his typical grin and a shake of his head.

"Rike, I love you."

_**Winter storms have come** _   
_**And darkened my sun** _   
_**After all that I've been through** _   
_**Who on Earth can I turn too** _

He didn't know who he could speak too, not now. The anger and the stress were beginning to push him over the edge. He knew what he wanted to get done, but in his position he couldn't do anything. He was just the mission controller, he wasn't the pilot, he wasn't the commander.

After storming out of the mission room, he had known that the team would bring the test home, and he was sure that Erika and AG had done it wonderfully, they always did and she always covered for him when AG was being stubborn.

He needed this to work, and suddenly out of nowhere, Erika was sat beside him. She didn't say anything, just sat there, and his question was answered. Even when he didn't want to speak to anyone, she knew that even with everything he had been through he needed someone, and she was always there to let him know he had someone. He just turned to her and smiled lightly, when she returned it he felt the sun come out on him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order
> 
> Dear God - What's Eating Gilbert  
> This Years Love - David Grey  
> Have You Ever - S Club 7  
> I Miss You - Blink 182  
> I Look To You - Boyce Avenue


	28. Chapter 28

_**Along she came** _   
_**With her picture** _   
_**Put it in a frame** _   
_**So I won't miss her** _

The shuttleport was the busiest he'd ever seen it, and he slowed, not wanting to actually have to face her leaving, even for such a short time. She turned to him and pulled something out of her bag and pushed it into his hands. "What's this?"

"Just take it." She replied, and he saw the tears forming in her eyes, he hoped that meant that she wanted to stay as much as he wanted her to stay.

"Erika-" He started to tell her he didn't need anything to remind him of her, and that he was going to stop him from missing her. Even a daily comm would not be enough to feel like he was a part of what was happening in their life right now, he would still miss three months of her development.

"Jon, please." She almost begged as they reached her shuttle, he looked to her and nodded, accepting the solid wooden frame.

"What is it?"

"It's from my ultrasound last week. It's our baby." He looked at the picture she had framed and pushed into his hands. He almost couldn't believe that she had handed it to him. "I love you!" She called as she was swept along with the officers being ferried to Jupiter station, he ran after her, pulling her into his arms again briefly before she was gone for the next 3 months. He kissed her, not caring about the people around them.

"I'll see you soon, both of you." He rested a hand against her midriff, over where he knew their son or daughter was growing. He kissed her again, feeling tears springing to his eyes. He didn't want to have to say goodbye to her, to them, but he knew they'd be back soon.

_**Will you meet me on Clare Island** _   
_**Summer stars are in the sky** _   
_**We'll get the ferry out from Roonagh** _   
_**And wave all our cares goodbye** _

"Jonathan?" She muttered suddenly, her head still against his head as they sat together on her bed. She lazily stroked Porthos, and for a moment he could almost forget that in the morning they'd be back on their way to the front lines and instead focus on the moment, the woman he loved in his arms and no disruptions.

"Yes?" He answered, kissing the top of her head as he did. A second later she pulled back, her deep, dark eyes pulling him in as they always did. She could express so much with those eyes, and he wasn't entirely sure how she always seemed to pull him into her gaze. He couldn't look anywhere else when she looked at him like that. All he could do was allow her to probe him, and hope that she only saw the truth in his eyes.

"Let's just go somewhere where nobody will find us. Somewhere quiet, and romantic." She smiled, a few beats later. He thought about that for a minute. A beach somewhere, a quiet tavern, night falling and them not worrying about what time the ships left in the morning. Somewhere they could just be themselves, Jon and Erika, and not worry about what Starfleet or anyone else would think. He shook the suggestion off a second later, with a smile and a light kiss on her nose, he chuckled.

"Wouldn't that be the life."

"No worries, no war. Just you and me, and the stars." She settled again against his chest, her arm wrapped around him, he just breathed in her smell as she took a deep breath. He stroked her hair and looked to the viewport, where they had a perfect view of the stars outside of the dock. He focused on them and on matching Erika's breathing.

"Let's pretend we have that right now Rike. It may be the closest we get for a while." He spoke the uncomfortable truth, and he felt her shudder a little before settling again. He knew why, neither of them wanted to think about the war, right now he just wanted to focus on her, and think about her. Because he couldn't think of another time they'd get to just do this.

_**And I don't want the world to see me** _   
_**Coz I don't think that they'd understand** _   
_**When everything's made to be broken** _   
_**I just want you to know who I am** _

She wasn't alone, but she didn't want them to see her, not when she was trying to centre herself. She needed to focus on the people who she cared about. To know that she could do this, she needed to have the love she had held onto.

Her thoughts went to her mother and father, her brother, her friends, the crew she had failed, to Ezri, her new friend, the one who had reminded her that she was still a human, that she still needed to do everything she could for Earth and her allies, to protect them from the dangers that they were facing, and finally to her soulmate, the man she loved more than anyone else in history, Jonathan. She remembered his face, and it held her as she stepped into the Queens lair.

"The pain will only last a moment, the relief will last forever." A voice in the back of her mind said, a combination of all those she loved. Jonathan's eyes floated in front of her as she gave herself over to them. Knowing that the wisdom of those she loved would see her through.

_**You could be my someone, you could be my scene** _   
_**You know that I'll protect you, from all of the obscene** _   
_**I wonder what you're doing, imagine where you are** _   
_**There's oceans in between us, but that's not very far** _

He just sat looking out of the viewport, wondering for the millionth time that day what she was doing, what decisions she was making. Was she making the trip back to Earth, was she protecting her crew, was she asleep? Was she thinking about him too?

He felt that the millions of miles between them was insignificant, because he could almost feel her presence beside him. He knew that there was only so much that a couple could take, only so much distance, but the moment he was back with her it was as if the months apart had been forgotten.

The distance between them now was insignificant, because he knew that she would wait for him no matter how long it took. He wished he could protect her from the horrors the war would put on both of them, but she was an officer of the fleet the same as he, he would just have to make sure he was there at the end of it all, so they could be together again.

_**There was staring in seclusion** _   
_**A fine tuned way of motion** _   
_**A face wrapped for a suitor** _   
_**The sound of hearts'** _   
_**Pumping at the same beat** _

He studied her face as she pulled back ever so slightly, her dark eyes studying him as they always did, making him feel like she was in his mind, and that was only an addition to the intimacy of the moment. Their movements were symmetrical, something that they had built up over so many years of knowing each other.

Their hearts beat at the same rhythm as he wrapped himself around her, their moments together reminding him why they never gave up, why they always came home and would remind each other of the bond they had.

Having her wrapped in his arms, her breath hot on his neck and her fingers digging into the muscles across his shoulders, was one of the greatest feelings in the universe, and one of the things he looked forward to experiencing every time they were together. Because the connection they had was rebuilt every time they saw each other. The physical connection had always been the bonus.

Again and again he was stunned by her, her beauty, her kindness, her compassion, and over and over he wondered why she still stood by him, even after all they had been through, and all he had done, she continued coming back to him. He was the luckiest man alive, and he didn't plan on breaking this again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order
> 
> Sleeping With The Light On - Busted  
> Clare Island - The Saw Doctors  
> Iris - The Goo Goo Dolls/New Found Glory  
> Blurry - Puddle of Mudd  
> It's Not Your Fault - New Found Glory


	29. Chapter 29

_**Pictures of you, pictures of me** _   
_**Hung up on your wall for the world to see** _   
_**Pictures of you, pictures of me** _   
_**Remind us all of what we used to be** _

She was surprised to find him looking at a picture when she stepped into his ready room. She leaned down, resting her chin on his shoulder and studying the photograph. It was a collection of lieutenants, the first full Starfleet staff of the NX programme, she spotted herself, stood on the end of the front row, a beaming smile on her face. He was in the middle of the back row. She recognised all the faces, every single one of them. They were spread throughout the fleet now. The thing that struck her most about the picture was how young they all looked. She knew that they had all been mid twenties, but they seemed so much younger. She rested her hand on his other shoulder before asking the question that was on her mind. "Were we really that young once?"

He chuckled and kissed her cheek suddenly, putting the picture down and spinning his chair slightly so he could face her. She saw the lines that the war was carving into his face, the stress and exhaustion that came with the position they shared. He shook his head reaching out for her hand before replying. "Apparently, before we commanded a battle fleet."

"Seems like a lifetime ago." She said a few seconds later. Sliding into his lap in a far more intimate display than they normally allowed themselves this near the bridge, she needed the closeness of him though, and remembering the hope of their youth made her feel even more hopeless about the situation they were in now.

"16 years. 2140." He confirmed her thoughts of it being early on. He picked up the photo again, and the two of them studied it for another moment. She couldn't stop thinking about how out of all of them in the photo, only a few were still serving, and only she and Jonathan had progressed to being captains. She looked at him again and took the picture, putting it again on his shelf, where anyone in the room would see it. "Why there?"

"Because it's good for us both to remember who we were once." She answered as his hands snaked around her waist and she kissed him lightly, knowing that they needed reminders. "Even if only so that we know why we are out here." At that moment he pulled her closer to him, burying his face in her neck. She held him there, hoping that the reminder of the past really was what they needed.

_**So tell me there’s nothing in the world** _   
_**That could ever come between us** _   
_**Show me you’re not afraid tonight** _   
_**Baby make me believe** _   
_**That there’s nothing in the world that could ever** _   
_**Steal this moment from right here and now** _

"Rike?" His voice sounded equal parts sleepy and confused as she spotted him rising from the bed. She hadn't meant to wake him, but she also really needed to find where the scattered parts of her clothing had been dumped last night. Not that she could really see anything without the lights on, and had pulled on Jon's boxers before she'd realised her mistake the first time. After a few more grabs at things she looked up to see his questioning face looking down at her.

"Yeah?"

"What are you doing?" He asked, trying to stifle a yawn, the chrono on his desk still showing it only being 0600, and it had been late before they'd eventually fallen into bed the night before. Not that she regretted a minute of it. At one point she'd been planning to go back to _Columbia_ , after a successful briefing with the other captains in _Enterprise_ 's mess, and an even more enjoyable discussion with Shran and Jon about the merits of their ships leading the charge. It had been late by the end, and she'd called _Columbia_ to say she was taking a guest bunk on _Enterprise_ for the night. She'd never made it to the guest bunk.

Now though, she needed to think about going back to her own ship, and check in with her officers. Somehow though, she knew that Jonathan would make it as difficult as possible for her to leave. She thought over his question as she spotted what looked like her bra under his desk, and as she grabbed it she held it up for him. "Looking for my uniform."

"You don't need to leave." He said, an almost begging quality in his voice that tugged at her heartstrings, but she knew that this was probably not the best idea they'd ever had, and they had probably kept his neighbours awake last night. 

"I probably should." She stated, and she leaned up, sure that she saw something in his hand.

"I don't want you to leave." He reached out and pulled her back onto the bunk, throwing the covers back over again, kissing her as hard as he could, pulling her close to him before whispering again. "We're in dock, we're not needed anywhere until tomorrow, T'Pol can handle things here, and I'm sure Veronica can handle things on _Columbia_. Either way I could just tell them that I need you for important business."

"They'd never figure out what that meant?" She teased, giving up trying to get up. "Captain Archer, you're a bad influence." She smiled as he rolled on top of her again, smiling down at her with a note of amusement playing behind his smile.

"Then tell me to stop, Captain Hernandez." He laughed against her neck, and the moment he bit a little she knew he had won, and it was plainly obvious he knew it too.

_**And if you decide that it’s not right** _   
_**That you need someone always by your side** _   
_**I’ll find a way to get through the day** _   
_**I mean, what else could I do?** _

There were days when he knew she thought they weren’t meant to be together. He’d known that she’d always had those thoughts. As long as they’d known each other there had been an almost invisible force pulling them together, too strong for either of them to resist.

He wasn’t the ideal partner, he doubted he ever could be. He wanted to be with her every minute of every day, but that wasn’t possible, not when they had the careers they did. He put her first at every opportunity he possibly could, but it wasn’t always possible.

If she made the decision that she needed someone permanently, he would eventually get on with his life, but he would always be broken without her. Because she was everything to him, and that made this even worse.

_**I wanna kiss you so hard that your lips bleed** _   
_**And I wanna hold you so tight that your ribs break** _   
_**And in the end we'll both know who we are** _   
_**Our bodies full of memories and battle scars** _

It was almost too hard to fight the feelings coursing through her. The pain and anger and love and confusion and everything. The blood was pounding in her ears as the silence fell, she wasn’t sure what she could do.

He had been interested in her for as long as she could remember. Ever since they met, but he didn’t know that she had always been interested in him too, but hiding it. She needed to convince him that it wasn’t the situation, she really did want him, and more than that she needed him.

As the darkness fell around them in the aftermath of the night, she knew, she already knew, that this was going to be her chance, her moment. She had experienced a taste of everything he could offer, and held his hands in hers. She needed this, and however much he denied it, so did he.

_**I do want you to know** _   
_**I hold you up above everyone** _   
_**And I do want you to know** _   
_**I think you’d be good to me** _   
_**And I’d be so good to you** _

He believed in her, far more than anyone else on the project, he knew he wanted her on his side forever. She was the one he thought of first for every mission, she was the one he sat next to on every night out, and she was the one he wished he could know better, even as they started treading the water of a relationship.

They were best friends, lovers,  and he still held her on a pedestal above him, he just wanted to know that somehow he could tell her that he loved her in every way possible. That he knew that whatever happened between them it would be one of the best things for him, because without her he wouldn't have kept pushing for so many of the things they'd done.

She would never love him the way he loved her, but that was OK, because he wasn't sure he'd love anything the same as he loved her. They'd be good together, he knew that, and that was the thing that was getting him through these moments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order
> 
> Pictures of You - The Last Goodnight  
> Nothing in the World - Atomic Kitten  
> I Wanna Hold You - What's Eating Gilbert  
> Memories and Battle Scars - New Found Glory  
> Good to You - Marianas Trench ft Kate Voegle


	30. Chapter 30

_**Today I’m gonna try a little harder** _   
_**Gonna make every minute last longer** _   
_**Gotta learn to forgive and forget** _   
_**Because we don’t have long gotta make the most of it** _

There were moments when she forgot that she needed to try still. She had spent most of the time blaming him, being angry with him, and trying to forget that she had equally been to blame. Then he had sent her a letter, the morning before he'd gone to the expanse. He had said he regretted that they had left things the way they did, and that if he got home, they should catch up.

Now he was back, and she was a Captain, and she was ready to forgive everything, all she needed to do was get her nerve to call him. She was talking about that with her friend when he walked through the door, and it was as if all her unspoken wishes had come true at once.

This time she was going to jump right in, they had been such close friends for so long before their relationship, and she missed his friendship and advice, and she missed his guidance on what he thought would happen. She knew that it was time to make the most of what time they were given, and this was hers.

_**It’s you and me and all other people** _   
_**With nothing to do, nothing to prove** _   
_**It’s you and me and all other people** _   
_**And I don’t know why** _   
_**I can’t keep my eyes off of you** _

There were people all around them, but still his eyes lingered on her. Their lives had all built up to this one day, and the hours preceding this moment had been some of the best of his life. The new ring on his finger reminded him of what he'd done, that he had not only married his one love, and the mother of his only child, he had done it in spite of the rules in their jobs.

They had nothing left to prove to the planet, or to their superiors. He still had a lot to prove to her though, even though she loved him, he knew that sometimes the ghosts of their first relationship were there in her mind, but this time he would put her first. She and Serena were two of the only things he could ever say he'd definitely done right, there were other things that people told her he'd done right, that he'd saved the coalition, saved Earth, captained the first starship and forged a relationship with the Andorians and Vulcans more than the politicians had been able to.

But he didn't always believe them. Whereas the two dark haired girls he watched, mother carrying daughter around the room, he knew that things were right for him, and that he was moving in the right direction. She would go back to Starfleet, at least for a little a while, he knew that, and they had already spoken about him managing Serena alongside his duties, but he was certain that he could do it. Suddenly he felt her dark eyes meet his, and his smile only grew as he saw the love in her eyes. He made his way across the floor, taking his daughter from her mother and handing her over to her uncle, then taking his new wife in his arms. This moment had been worth waiting for.

_**There’s a piece of you that’s here with me** _   
_**It’s everywhere I go, it’s everything I see** _   
_**When I sleep I dream and it gets me by** _   
_**I can make believe that you’re here tonight** _

Every little thing reminded her of the past. Of everything she had given up to be where she was now, all the sacrifices and moments that had broken her down, that had dragged her from the perfect life she had always dreamed of.

But there was a piece of him, one little thing that had attached itself to her heart and wouldn’t let go, one thing that reminded her that he was still with her, somehow, that he was still watching.

When she slept, he was always there, in the corner of her mind, and for one wonderful moment she would believe he was there.

_**These are the days’ worth living** _   
_**These are the years we’re given** _   
_**These are the moments, these are the times** _   
_**Let’s make the best out of our lives** _

"Don't even start Jonathan." She said, and he heard everyone else around them stop talking, turning to the two of them, who'd been having a conversation about another mountain climbing expedition.

"Erika, it would be fun!" He continued, hoping that she'd let him off, eventually. The other pilots were staring, and he knew that they were paying attention to everything they were saying. Erika didn't seem to care about them watching, whereas he found himself flustered.

"No, no it won't. It'll be all the boys, again, and I'll be the one expected to look after you all. The same as every time we've gone out in the last 4 years."

"I promise, I won't drink." He would stand by that promise, he always did when he promised her something.

"Fine. If you break this promise though, I'm taking the next transfer." She stalked away, and all he could do was watch her leave, and return her wave as she got to the door, and he knew that everyone around him was watching what he did, as they always seemed too whenever he and Erika spoke.

"Jon, are you and her?" AG asked, also following Erika with his eyes, and Jon felt slightly jealous of his friend, but tried to shake it out of his mind.

"No. Not even close."

"She gets away with so much more than the rest of us with you." He grinned, and all Jon could do was roll his eyes as AG continued. "You should go for it, she's good looking."

"We're good friends, because unlike the rest of you, I actually speak to her and treat her like she is one of the team. You could do to be nicer to her. She's the reason you look good to the bosses." He shook his head and finished his drink. Then turned away again. "You should start thinking about that, and think about why you guys all assume Erika and I are sleeping together because we're friends." He walked away, hoping that his words had them thinking, and he hoped that he hid the fact that he wished he was something more with Erika from them.

_**I’m so tired of being here** _   
_**Suppressed by all my childish fears** _   
_**And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave** _   
_**Cause your presence still lingers here, and it won’t leave me alone** _

Every minute he spent just lying there, staring at the ceiling, and he wondered if she was there watching him. If she was studying him the way he had often studied her when they had shared a life together. He had hoped that in the years since she had left he would have missed her less, instead her absence pressed on him every day.

Today was the day he’d join her, he was certain of that. For as long as he could remember, he’d just been counting down until that moment. That day when he finally saw her face again, not in his mind, or in the impression she had left in his heart. But the day he really saw her again.

The pain was fleeting, only a moment, and then there was nothing. He felt nothing, and this was it. There was no family to be beside him, he’d never wanted anything else. Instead he was alone in the bed. But somehow he felt he wasn’t alone. She was watching him, somehow, and he didn’t know how. But she was, and that was enough. His fears were all silenced, and he embraced the change in his being, because this was the last step.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order
> 
> One Day too Late - Skillet  
> You and Me - Lifehouse  
> Ocean Avenue - Yellowcard  
> Our Lives - The Calling  
> My Immortal - Evanescence


	31. Chapter 31

_**Every time that I get the feeling** _   
_**You give me something to believe in** _   
_**Every time that I got you near me** _   
_**I know the way I want it to be** _

He pulled her closer to him and that was it. She was in his arms and he knew they were right together. It didn't matter what anyone else said about the two of them because he knew that they were right. She was the one who showed him the light whenever he began to question the wisdom of his place in the universe.

Whenever he got that feeling, just one look from her was enough to knock it out of him, whether it was in person, over the comm, or even just one of the photos he had. She was in his mind and he wanted her to stay there, because he couldn't imagine not having that connection to someone.

One day, in the future, he would be able to make her his forever. That was his promise to himself, and he hated to break promises.

_**I've been searching deep down in my soul** _   
_**Words that I'm hearing that are starting to get old** _   
_**It feels like I'm starting all over again** _   
_**The last three years were just pretend** _

One thing that he couldn't deal with was the uncertainty of this situation, the threat of war was not what he wanted to have to contemplate, but at least he knew that everything he had gone through over the last few years had been worth the experience, because he was ready to lead Starfleet's forces in this.

Added on was that he had her beside him. She didn't tell him the same warnings he heard from the admiralty, and from the other captains. He wasn't sure if it was the bond they had already had, or if it was because of the fact they were the only NX captains currently in the fleet, maybe it was a combination of the two.  He found himself searching for the answers within himself, and when he couldn't find them, he turned to her, and he knew that she'd tell him the truth, or her interpretation of the truth.

He felt like she had restarted his life, all those months ago, and now they were in this together, she certainly seemed to think so, and he hadn't really done much to change her mind of it, and he didn't want too because that was one of the only other things keeping him sane. Their connection was deep, and that was how he wanted to keep it, so she could understand. They were going to war together, and they needed it.

_**The way your words keep me in line** _   
_**I know what I'm here for** _   
_**Waking up to the green of your eyes** _   
_**Is something I'll get used too** _

She had never noticed the green flecks in the golden amber of his eyes. She'd never really had chance to look at them in detail before. Their previous flings had been fast, and she hadn't hung around in the morning, or he'd been gone before she'd wake up. This time it was different. There was nothing stopping them, and it seemed that neither of them really wanted to move from the position they'd woken up in.

A heart to heart the night before about the tension that had run between them had led to a kiss, which had led to a discussion about what they could be together, he had told her that he loved how she knew exactly what he was going to do in any situation, and how with just one word from him she'd fall back in line, regardless of her ideas. She had admitted that she loved how controlled he always seemed, and how he had been the only pilot to treat her as one of the team from the very beginning. The admissions had kept coming until they'd moved together, and then they'd been on the bed.

Now all she wanted was to know that he wasn't going to leave again. When he took her hand and pulled her into his arms, kissing her again, the morning far more intimate than anything they'd done before, she knew that those green flecks would be there for a while, she would be waking to them for as long as possible, and she didn't regret that.

_**Late night, come home** _   
_**Work sucks, I know** _   
_**She left me roses by the stairs** _   
_**Surprises let me know she cares** _

The darkened house reminded him why he hated that for the next few weeks they were on different teams, their schedules didn't team up, and by the time he got home, she'd already left, and when she got home, he was about to leave. The last month of them being up at basically opposite times of the day had meant he missed her, even when at least one night a week they shared the bed and had the chance to talk.

For the last 8 years he had been at work with her every day, for the last two years he'd been at home with her every night, he had gotten used to that, and now they just didn't have the time together. He sighed, walking in, and as the lights came on he smiled. She'd still remembered his birthday, and the piece of cake on the side had a present and a card next to it.

 He carried it all through to the living room, before opening the card.

_"Because even when we're not together, I can't forget the big days. Happy birthday Jon, I love you. Rike."_

 He grinned, her thoughtful message once again reminding him that she was way, way too good for him, but she settled for him, and somehow loved him all the same. The present was the book he'd been searching for for months, and he had no idea how she even remembered it. He made a mental note that when she was home, he would take a sick day, just so he could spend time with her.

_**Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye** _   
_**Maybe I was wrong for trying to pick a fight** _   
_**I know that I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too** _   
_**Either way I've found out I'm nothing without you** _

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I don't know how you survived without me." She smiled, and he looked around the smirks of his senior staff as he dismissed them. They were all used to the way his fellow captain spoke to him, and he thought that, mostly at least, they were impressed by the fact she just didn't care what anyone else thought of her or her relationship with him.

"Badly, I haven't got into nearly as much trouble since you've been out here too." He admitted a few minutes later, just a little quieter so as to have a little more privacy. Her grin lit up her face, and he almost couldn't believe his luck that she was still rescuing him, even after all his issues. Not that she was the sanest captain in the fleet.

"Are you saying I hold you back Jon?" She asked, a teasing smirk on her face, and he suddenly felt the need to get her alone.

"Exactly the opposite, Erika. I have those mission reports for you."

"Lead the way." He knew she fell into step behind him, and he caught the knowing looks from certain members of his staff. His relationship with Erika was somewhat of an open secret within the fleet. Everyone knew, but nobody quite had the balls to ask them outright. Almost the moment his read room door was closed he couldn't help but pull her to him, it was the only appropriate 'thank you' he could think of for _Columbia_ pulling _Enterprise_ out of yet another potential disaster. When he let her go, a smile crossed her face, and he saw the clouds and worry in her eyes lift. "That was unexpected."

"It's the only way I could say 'sorry' and 'thank you' all at once." He explained, and slid onto the sofa, picking up the padd as he did so. He smiled as she walked over and sat beside him, he wrapped his arm around her, holding her close as he started to run through the reports with her, glad for any momentary excuse to keep her close, because without her he would struggle now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order
> 
> The Tide is High (Get The Feeling) - Atomic Kitten  
> Goodbye to You - Michelle Branch  
> Hold My Hand - New Found Glory  
> All The Small Things - Blink 182  
> My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson


	32. Chapter 32

_**Falling in the black** _   
_**Slipping through the cracks** _   
_**Falling to the depths** _   
_**Can I ever go back** _

He didn't know how to go on, and again she was the only thing there to stop him falling again. The demons in his mind were winning this time. It was entirely his fault, and all he wanted was for someone to tell him they cared, someone to show him he mattered still. The injuries were all but healed, but he had lost 19 officers. In one attack. That was more than he'd lost since the Expanse.

Erika was still sat in the chair at the side of his room, reading a book, her feet on the edge of his bed. He had asked her to stay and help as long as _Columbia_ could spare her. Mostly because he needed her presence. She knew when he needed her without him having to say anything. As if by magic she looked up and saw him again, and she just stood up and pushed him back onto the bed.

"You still need to sleep, Phlox will come and check you again in the morning." She said with her patience clearly beginning to wear through, he just wanted her next to him. This time as she made the move to walk away he grabbed her hand and pulled her onto the bed in a pile. He hoped that her usual awareness of his mind would kick in, so she'd know that he wanted to talk, finally.

One look at him and she stopped trying to get up, she slipped up the bed and into his arms, and he thanked her as best he could, before he started speaking. He just let his mind empty itself as he had so many times before when he'd just been laid with her, and she didn't say a word, just listened to him, letting him get it out. Stopping him falling further into the depression she had pulled him out of almost 2 years earlier.

**_And I can be the one_ **   
**_To show you that life’s not simple enough_ **   
**_And I can be the one_ **   
**_I’ve held this back for too long_ **

She remembered a time when she had had a simple life. When she had just been the conduit to relay orders to the various departments, when she had filled in reports and left the decisions to those higher up.

Now, she was the Captain, and 8 expectant pairs of eyes were looking at her for a split-second decision she still didn't think she was even remotely qualified to make. She channelled herself and took a deep breath.

"Sidra, Kiona, work on getting Comms back, we need to tell Starfleet we're still around out here, Karl, Veronica, use whatever we have in the cargo bay to repair the coils, though make comms a priority if help is needed. Kalil, you and I will work on starmaps and figure out exactly where we are." She resisted the urge to clap her hands as there was a chorus of _"Yes captain"_ 's came back at her.

She had held back her decision on priorities too long, but she should have done it before. Holding back wasn't what she normally did. Hopefully soon she'd be able to get word out, and she'd get her crew home.

_**Hands into a fist** _   
_**Static in my head** _   
_**Now I’m sitting** _   
_**Face to face with loneliness** _

She couldn't hear anything over the sound of the static in her mind. She was so far away, and she was supposed to have gotten her crew home. She was angry at herself for dragging them into this situation. While the senior staff had all agreed that she had taken the right cause of action, she couldn't help but debate that with herself.

She was all alone, and she couldn't even ask anyone else what they would have done in that situation, there had never been a moment when she'd regretted her decisions more than she did right now. This just confirmed that she should have set course somewhere else.

Would Jonathan have made the same decision, or the Admirals, or any of the other officers had they been in her position. Or had there been a better decision. She'd probably never know. This was the reality, and she had to face it.

_**So I say a little prayer** _   
_**And hope my dreams will take me there** _   
_**Where the skies are blue** _   
_**To see you once again my love** _

All she could think when he answered her call was that she wished she was there right now, wished that she was able to hold him, and the little girl she could hear laughing in the background. "I miss you Jon, both of you." She said, leaning forward and wrapping her arms around a leg as she looked at him.

"I know, Rike" Jon smiled in sympathy, and she felt the need to complain about how she wished she was at home.

"I didn't want another ship."

"At least you're out there. Like we always wanted." Jon nodded toward the viewport he could see behind her.

"True, is she there, can I say goodnight."

"I'll get her." Erika held her breath until her family returned to the screen, she smiled as they filled her screen. "Say hello to mommy." Jon whispered in the babies ear, who squealed and waved at the screen.

"Hi baby, are you behaving for daddy?" She asked, studying all the changes in the last few days since she'd managed to call early enough for Serena to still be awake, she could hardly believe how much bigger she looked every time she called. At 16 months old she was just getting bigger. She heard Jon's cough, he had clearly seen where her mind was going, and had to bring her attention back to the conversation.

"Of course she isn't, too much like her mother to behave for long." She laughed, feeling the nightly tears spring to her eyes as she realised how big her little girl was getting without her. "She's trying to walk too, Sam promised she'd record it if she could."

"I hope I'm home soon." She smiled as Serena struggled to get off her father's knee. "I feel like I'm missing her life." she sighed, and Jon's face confirmed that he missed her as much as she missed him, and that made her feel a little less lonely. " I'm due on the bridge." She hoped he could sense that she really didn't want to leave the call, but she couldn't ignore her duty.

"Call me tomorrow, I love you." He smiled sadly, and it was clear that he regretted the end of the call as much as she did.

"Love you too, Jon. Give Rena a kiss for me."

"I will, go be the captain." He reached out briefly, and she kissed her fingers and held them toward the camera that was contained in the screen. The illusion of contact holding her for a moment. She wiped her eyes and tugged her uniform back into position. Ready to be the captain again.

_**It seems the little things get in the way** _   
_**We're so caught up in routine from day to day** _   
_**Sometimes it feels like we're not anchored anywhere** _   
_**Oh I've missed you yeah** _

He growled at the stats on the screen of the tactical console, and he felt his heart sinking, once again he would have to cancel, and he hated that. Sometimes it made everything far more difficult than he wanted, and had they made time, the current problems wouldn't be problems. He looked to the officers either side of him and sighed. "We're going to miss the rendezvous again."

"Looks like it." Trip agreed with a nod, leaning back and looking over the bridge, Jon followed his lead, then stepped over to him, wanting more of an explanation than just confirmation that they'd miss it.

" Trip?"

"The plasma injectors, again. We need to get back to Jupiter Station and replace them, or we'll be missing all our meetings." He knew that if Trip was recommending a visit back to drydock he was serious about the problems, so he just stepped down to his command chair and looked to the viewscreen, not bothering to sit down.

"You heard the man, Travis. Back to Jupiter we go."

He was considering what to do next as T'Pol stepped next to him, and spoke in a quiet voice, her words clearly only meant for him."You can arrange your dinner with Captain Hernandez for another time."

"That's beside the point, T'Pol." He replied in a similarly hushed voice, then turned to the far side of the Bridge, "Hoshi, get me _Columbia_. I'll be in my ready room. You have the ship." He said the last to his XO, and hoped that the next conversation he had would be solved equally amicably, she would be disappointed he was standing her up again, and he was even more disappointed that he wouldn't make it, because he missed her, and that made this all more difficult.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((Sorry for the chapter spam. I just want to get this one finished))
> 
> Songs in order
> 
> Falling in the Black - Skillet  
> Broken Sound - New Found Glory  
> Three Simple Words - Finch  
> My Love - Westlife  
> Nothing in the World - Atomic Kitten


	33. Chapter 33

_**All my life I've been looking for the answers** _   
_**To the questions you never asked** _   
_**And we never planned on this disaster** _   
_**When will I let it go** _

All he could think of was that this was a mistake, a huge, huge mistake. One of the biggest he'd ever made and not one second of it was her fault, he had brought all of this on himself. Trip and AG had already been dealt with, and so had he by their bosses, but it wasn't them he'd made a promise to and then completely broken it.

She had made him swear he wouldn't use the access code other than the one time he'd left all his reports in the office and he'd needed to get them back. The Comms officers were always the last to leave a mission area, and he'd known that she'd have it. Last night he had completely broken his promise to her, and abused her trust all in one fell swoop.

He waited outside of the office, wanting to hear from her what action would be taken against her. He hoped it wouldn't be serious. He had taken full responsibility, and all but begged the commodore not to bring any ramifications back on her. She'd never asked him any questions past why he needed to know if it had been changed, and she'd never asked if he was going to do something, but he still wanted to answer them, and he wanted to face her.

It was clear that she probably wasn't going to speak to him, and he didn't blame her. It really was a disaster, maybe not for the programme at large, but for his friendship and relationship with Erika, it was bad.

_**And when you smile** _   
_**The whole world stops** _   
_**And stares for a while** _   
_**Cause girl you're amazing** _   
_**Just the way you are** _

The laughter was just building all around them, and for once she was the life of the party, normally she was the one sat on the outskirts of the group and he was the one in the centre of it all. Not tonight though. Somehow they had reversed their roles, and she was the one cracking jokes. Singing stupid songs with the other pilots, and just causing the laughter.

It seemed like nobody there could take their eyes off her, and he didn't mind that, because they were all just finally seeing something he had seen years earlier. When she looked up to him, her smiling eyes catching his for a second, he knew that she was having a great time, but even so she extracted herself from the group, coming and wrapping her arms around his waist as he rested his arm on her shoulders.

He almost saw the disappointment in a few of the newer members of the team, those who clearly hadn't learnt that they were together yet. She continued talking and laughing even as she stayed beside him. After a little while she looked up to him and kissed his cheek. He pulled her closer to him, flush against his front.

"I thought you weren't coming, three of them asked me for dinner before you arrived." She muttered, finishing off her drink and reaching behind him to put her now empty glass on the bar. He smiled at her little tease, and trying to push her hands away from his ticklish spots, and he knew she'd gotten herself in that position just for this reason. He subtly moved round a little, and laughed at the brief look of disappointment that crossed her face.

"I hope you said no." He said, with mock seriousness in his voice, the whole world fell away, and it was suddenly just the two of them in the entire universe, he didn't need to worry about a thing, he just had her in his arms, and that was enough. He knew that nobody could take her from him except himself, and he had no intention of screwing this up.

"Well, I thought about it but-" she started a second later, and he didn't even let her finish her tease, putting his finger on her lips with a grin.

"Erika Hernandez you stop this now." He teased, and kissed the end of her nose. She pulled him against her, and kissed him, he ran his hand along her cheek, and didn't stop til the catcalls and wolf-whistles dragged them out of their private world. They both joined the group again, but he didn't let go of her, because she was every bit of amazing he'd ever wanted in his life.

_**Scrollin' through the pictures of my little family** _   
_**My daughter with her mom and friends** _   
_**Not a single one with me** _   
_**They know I love 'em, I know they know I care** _   
_**The truth is half the time, I'm not even there** _

He was beginning to hate diplomatic postings. Once Erika had resigned from active Starfleet duty, instead becoming an instructor at the new Academy they had helped set up, he had found himself sent to Andoria. Erika had said she, Henry and Serena would go with him, but he hadn't wanted to pull Serena away from her school, from her friends.

Every week he'd get letters and pictures, Erika wrote about how much she missed him, how she wanted him home. How teaching wasn't exactly what she'd expected it to be. Serena wrote about how school was going, she'd tell him her spelling and maths results. But every letter and photo reminded him of everything he was missing.

He'd get to call home once a week, normally on a Friday, just before bedtime. He'd read a bedtime story, then he'd speak to Erika about everything. Their marriage kept alive by long distance calls and the promise of his next month of leave.

When he returned to Andoria, he wouldn't be leaving them behind, because he couldn't take another six months without his family.

_**If only you saw what I can see** _   
_**You'll understand why I want you so desperately** _   
_**Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe** _   
_**You don't know you're beautiful** _   
_**That's what makes you beautiful** _

He watched her and she ducked away from yet another team of officers who she didn't know, and they all followed her with their eyes. It didn't seem to matter to her that everyone was staring at her. He knew that when there were people she didn't know well she shrank back. Not because she was shy, because he knew she wasn't. All she wanted was to get on with her work with a minimum amount of fuss.

The moment they left she was someone completely different, especially with her team, and she didn't know why she was treated so differently. Her smile lit up whatever room she was in. She didn't pretend that she wasn't an attractive woman, she just didn't care enough. It wasn't part of who she was.

The fact that she didn't care was part of what made her completely irresistible to him. She was aware of how people saw her and didn't really care either way. Her confidence was more than that, and that was why she didn't try to make herself the centre of attention. When she was talking in the group, when they were all together he couldn't take his eyes off her. She knew that though, and he felt blessed to have her as his partner, she was beautiful, and she didn't care who knew that, as long as he knew she was his, and he'd known longer than she had. He'd seen it when no-one else did. She'd always been beautiful to him.

_**You crossed the finish line** _   
_**Won the race but lost your mind** _   
_**Was it worth it after all** _   
_**I need you here with me** _   
_**Coz love is all we need** _   
_**Just take a hold of** _   
_**The hand that breaks the fall** _

He was back on Earth, but he felt like he'd been on a ten month marathon. He had protected Earth and ended the Temporal War all at once, and they had really needed that. Earth was safe, and all it had cost him was his soul, and possibly his sanity. He knew he was on a ledge, both literally and figuratively, and he needed help to get down.

Maybe she had known that, maybe that was why she had hunted him down and followed him out here. Maybe it was why she had demanded that he think before doing anything rash with regard to his career as she'd laid on her bedroll before she'd fallen asleep. She just knew him, and she was there.

He was in a strange position, he wanted to get away from her, but he needed her close at the same time. Because in all of his adult life he had never loved a woman the same as he had her. Even the other woman he'd proposed too hadn't held him quite as completely as she had. He needed to know he still had that connection, even if she didn't feel the same way.

She had listened to his rants and his distrust of the universe, and tried in her subtle and sarcastic way to show him that maybe he was being cynical, and even as she held out the hand she was offering again, he kept pushing it away, at the time he most wanted to take it. He needed to take it, because he couldn't do this all on his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order
> 
> This Disaster - New Found Glory  
> Just The Way You Are - Bruno Mars  
> Don't Miss Your Life - Phil Vassar  
> What Makes You Beautiful - Boyce Avenue  
> Superman - Lazlo Bane


	34. Chapter 34

_**Spend all your time waiting** _   
_**For that second chance** _   
_**For the break that would make it OK** _   
_**There's always some reason** _   
_**To feel not good enough** _   
_**And it's hard at the end of the day** _

She wasn't enough, and that had always been made clear to her, she had always worked hard to break people's expectations of her. Once her parents had been sure that she'd do nothing, that she wouldn't even get out of their town. So she signed up to Starfleet and moved away. It was the best thing she could have done because it had given her all of this.

The bridge was almost silent, the ship about the same, and the slightly redder hued sister ship outside was where half of her crew and most of the power was, at least until the warp reactor was up and running again. She was alone on the bridge of her ship and once again she felt she wasn't good enough.

She had made the decision that had almost gotten her ship destroyed, that had almost changed everything about her, and they had struggled alone for a month before _Enterprise_ had arrived. Now she was glad that she had told her crew to enjoy the heat and comfort of the other ship.

All of a sudden there were two arms wrapped around her, and she realised she hadn't even heard Jon arrive on the bridge. He just held onto her for a few minutes, and she leant her head back against his shoulder. Already certain that he was going to tell her that she was going to have to leave her ship behind.

"I made the wrong decisions, didn't I Jon?" She asked, feeling his breath against her ear as he held her.

"I'd have made the same decision. Rike. You should get over to _Enterprise_ and let the engineers take over _Columbia,_ to get her all fixed up."

"I should stay with my ship Jon." She said. Motioning around her indicating the empty bed.

"I'll stay with you, _Enterprise_ is a little full." He smiled and kissed her lightly before taking  her hand and pulling her toward the lift "At least we're going to have something to eat." She knew that he wasn't going to let her wallow in the self pity she felt, because he knew beyond all doubt that she would be thinking about everything she had done that made her not good enough. He had told her over and over than she was brilliant. One day she'd believe him, but it wouldn't be today.

_**It’s always times like these when I think of you** _   
_**And I wonder if you think of me** _   
_**Cause everything’s so wrong and I don’t belong** _   
_**Living in your precious memory** _   
_**And I need you, and I miss you, and I wonder** _

What would he have done in this situation. She couldn't ask him that because he was on the review committee. The committee that would decide if she had acted out of turn. She wondered if after the end of the day, when the review would have decided on her fitness to command, whether he'd finally speak to her again.

She wondered if he'd thought of her, of their relationship, at any point over the last two weeks where the admirals had grilled her for every possible reaction she could have had. She hadn't wanted the Romulans to take over _Columbia_ , they had just been lucky that their subspace radio had been repairable. Or _Enterprise_ would have been unreachable, and she'd still be out there trying to find a way home.

Maybe she didn't belong in Starfleet, because she didn't measure up to his standards. But she had worked just as hard as he had to gain her position. She needed to stop comparing herself to him, and work on herself, work on their relationship outside of Starfleet. Because if the result didn't go the right way, she'd be a civilian again anyway.

_**You say I would make a better liar** _   
_**I never face the music when it's dire** _   
_**And I breathe disaster ever after** _   
_**Don't pull away from me now** _   
_**Don't you move, can't you stay where you are just for now** _   
_**I could be your perfect disaster, you could be my ever after** _

He had always told her she would make a perfect diplomat. She was so much more patient that he was, she had always returned with the fact that he was a better liar than she was, and that was always the truth. She had always been the one to tell the truth, even when it had meant getting in trouble for things that weren't just her fault. There had always been a line for her, between telling the truth and getting others into trouble.

The other thing he always seemed to do was bring disaster into her life, yet for some reason she kept coming back to him. After the test flights, after the Xindi, and after all the battles. She stayed beside him, and seeing her get ready to move away from him, cause him to reach out and pull her into his arms again. He wasn't ready for her to leave.

"Please, don't leave, Rike. I need you here" He sighed into her hair.

"This will be a disaster." She sighed, and shook her head, even as she adjusted his uniform a little for him.

"It might start our future earlier than anticipated." He laughed and kissed her, breaking away only when the door chime sounded. He saw her still looking a little flustered as she sat on the sofa, trying to make herself as inconspicuous as possible. All he could do was smile in her direction every so often. Glad he had her support.

_**So I try to hold** _   
_**Onto a time when nothing mattered** _   
_**And I can't explain what happened** _   
_**And I can't erase the things that I've done** _   
_**No I can't** _

He paced around the room trying to just get the excess energy out, her apartment on Earth was barely bigger than their bunks on the ships, but at least here they didn't need to worry about their crew finding them in a compromising position. She had been trying to convince him that what had happened wasn't all his fault. "You need to think about the positives."

"What positives?"

"Jon." She sounded concerned, and he slid onto the bed, deciding that maybe it would be best if he sat down. Just so that he wouldn't fall over through exhaustion.

"I'm serious. There were no positives to come out of this. We didn't advance the front, we didn't retrieve Deneva and over 300 people died. Where are the positives?"

"We didn't lose any more ground, and the Romulans took more loses than we did."

"Rike, I'm not sure I can take them as positives. This attack was my idea, I planned this out, and with Challenger still missing I don't know what else I could have done, but this was still a mistake until we had more information." He took a deep breath, knowing he was thinking too much into the decision. He had pushed the council for the permission to run this offensive, and it had backfired, and now he would have to deal with the guilt. He felt the pressure as she rubbed his shoulders, and all he could think of was the debriefing the following morning, _Enterprise_ having to be towed back to dock by _Columbia_. Not that Erika wouldn't have her share of issues when they got home. _Columbia_ was supposed to be on the other side of the sector. He reached up and took her hands, pulling her in front of him and into his lap. "We're both probably going to be torn into at the debriefing."

"You're OK. We got _Enterprise_ home. I don't care what the committee throws at me, as far as I'm concerned I did my duty, and I kept you safe." Her honest words reminded him that while he couldn't explain the situation, and he couldn't forget the mistakes he'd made, he could know he'd done the best with what he had. He just pulled her back onto the bed with him. Needing her closeness more than anything else, needing her to remind him that some things were worth losing, because maybe next time you could win.

_**Can I adapt to a slower pace** _   
_**Will she smile when she sees my face** _   
_**Now I'm scared to come home** _   
_**From this lonely road** _

He looked at the pictures and suddenly the approach from Jupiter station was no longer a cause for celebration, but for concern. He was afraid about getting home. This had been his first posting away from Earth since her decision to retire from active Starfleet duty, and after so long away with the diplomatic corps he couldn't help but feel apprehensive.

Would Rena even remember him? Would Erika be happy to see him? He had been nothing but a face on a screen to his 4 year old for most of the last year. She had remembered Erika after her two year tour, but Rena had been younger, and Erika had been home more often. He could feel the nerves building up as the pilot brought them in to land at the same shuttleport he had left from almost 12 months earlier.

He looked around, and he couldn't see them anywhere, but a second later he heard the first shout. "Daddy! Over here!" The busy concourse was still broken by the sound of the little girls feet and her calls. Seconds later he bent down at the last second to scoop the little girl up into his arms. He kissed her cheek and smiled as he looked around for her mother, his wife and the main reason he had made it this far. When their eyes connected he knew that she had missed him as much as he had missed her. He opened his other arm, inviting her to join them, and the second she was in reach he kissed her as hard as he could, until there was a slap on the other side of his face. "Ewwww! Don't do that!" Serena said, causing both he and Erika to chuckle, he put Rena down, letting her run a little ahead of them as they walked out of the port, and he realised that he had had no reason to be afraid of coming home. Erika would have always been happy to have him home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the penultimate chapter!
> 
> Songs in order
> 
> Angel - Sarah McLaughlin/Westlife  
> A Thousand Miles - Vanessa Carlton  
> Ever After - Marianas Trench  
> Untitled (How Could This Happen To Me) - Simple Plan  
> The Lonely Road - What's Eating Gilbert


	35. Chapter 35

_**Yesterday when you were young** _   
_**Everything you needed done was done for you** _   
_**Now you do it on your own** _   
_**But you find you're all alone, what can you do?** _   
_**You and me walk on, walk on, walk on** _   
_**Coz you can't go back now** _

It was the biggest baptism of fire she could have imagined. Less than a week in space and they had already been involved in their first risky manoeuvre, and their first rescue effort. She felt like nothing she had done so far had truly prepared her for this contingency. She had always had someone to fall back on before if the decision was wrong.

But now she was the big boss, and sometimes that thought terrified her more than it really should have done, considering everyone eventually wanted to sit in the captains chair. She wondered how many of her crew knew exactly how daunting it was to be there. Knowing that she was the one who would have to take the hit.

All she could do was walk on, walk forward, because behind her was the past, and she didn't want to go there, not really. She couldn't change the decisions that had brought her to the chair on _Columbia_. She wouldn't change it even if she could. She was ready, or she'd keep telling herself that she was until she believed it was true.

_**There's no use looking back or wondering** _   
_**Because love is a strange and funny thing** _   
_**No matter how I try and try  
** _ _**I just can't say goodbye** _

There were days she looked back over her life and wondered about what might have happened had things gone differently. Would she have rebelled and joined Starfleet had her parents supported her interest in science? Would she have become a language expert had her tutor not told her she couldn't fly? Would she have been on the NX project had she been a pilot? Would she have loved Jonathan had they met at another time?

She didn't know the answer to any of those questions, and she was beginning to learn that maybe, just maybe, the answers didn't matter anyway. The simple fact was that her life had brought her here. To this mountain, to this moment, hearing him break apart in front of her. She knew that what had happened between them had never ended, not their emotions.

She had tried to hate him, to be angry with him, but over the last 4 years where they'd been apart, all she'd felt for him was affection and absence. She had missed him, and here he was asking for her support, for everything he had done, and the unspoken question lingering there even as she felt herself leaning forwards and kissing him.

Her instincts guided her the rest of the way, they had enough history between them for her to know that their relationship had always took it's odd turns. Maybe this was one of them, and maybe she was hoping too much to think that he would want to keep anything going after this night, but for this one moment, she needed to feel that she was doing something for him. That she was showing him that he still had one person who loved him. She had before he had been to the expanse, and she still did now.

_**I’m writing again these letters to you** _   
_**How much I know** _   
_**But I’m not sleeping, you’re not here** _   
_**That stops my heart** _

Over the years he had continued writing to her, it didn't matter exactly where she was, or even if she'd ever see the letters. He still felt the need to write them. He still felt the need to tell her the details of his days, the contents of his successes and the tragedy of his failures. He still felt like he needed to chronicle his feelings for her, and how he missed her.

Especially now he was off the sleeping pills that he had been given, he couldn't sleep, because all he could think about was her, and how she wasn't with him. He knew that she was alive, he didn't know how he knew that, but he did. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but it was as if he could hear her in his mind, and she was telling him that she was OK.

He also somehow knew he'd never see her again, and how he'd come to that conclusion was a mystery to him as well. He just knew. He wrote that down in his letters, and hoped that one day, maybe, just maybe, she would be able to read them.

200 years later, she did.

_**Our love surpassed, our love’s so fast** _   
_**Our love’s all wrong, our love goes on and on** _   
_**Our love became our love by name** _   
_**When I wrote it to you in a song** _   
_**Our love goes on and on.** _

His entire life had been defined by the loves of his life. Everything he had done was because of love. The love of his father, the love of his planet, the love of his crew, his love of duty, and his love of her. He couldn't imagine any of these ever ending. Though over the years, the duty part had changed. Once it had only been to Starfleet, now it was a duty to his wife, to his son and daughter, and to his grandchildren.

He didn't regret anything about his 100 years in this universe. He had seen some of the most amazing things, done some epic things, epically brave and epically stupid as Erika had told him more than once over their long life together. He had been places, and done things that others would never even dream of.

He had even managed to fall in love with a woman he loved more than anything, who shared all his other loves, and who lived for the same reasons he did. He would tell her every day how much he loved her, but she knew by now, he didn't need to tell her. All his loves endured, they were just different now. Never gone, never ending. Maybe sometime, he'd loved the wrong thing at the wrong time. But what was most important to him was that he had loved at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Final Chapter!!!!
> 
> Songs in order
> 
> Can't Go Back Now - The Weepies  
> Never Had A Dream Come True - S Club  
> Letters to You - Finch  
> Our Love - Rhett Miller


End file.
